Oh please....

1.  Groom discovers that everything isn't perfect for his wedding day- the ceremony had been planned for the top of a mountain, probably he and his bride's favorite spot on the planet, maybe even where they first met.  Considering the number of chairs, the plan was for a very, very small wedding and darn, it wouldn't you know it- while the weather was fine during set-up, by the time of the actual ceremony it was just pouring and windy as hell.

No problem- instead of showing any sign of being able to change plans, Groom just piles everyone attending the wedding- again, this is a VERY small wedding party- into his LookAtMeMobile, making it the first time ever he can actually justify owning the damn thing.  The Happy Couple get married exactly where they planned, never mind the rain coming in sideways and the chairs flying everywhere and the ring girl being tossed by the 80-MPH winds to her death (ok, so that's not actually shown, but still....)

2.  Bride thinks this is all wonderful.  Ok, stop right there.  I've been to plenty of weddings, and I've seen a lot of brides as they've prepared for weddings.  There is no freaking way that this woman is happy about this rain-soaked rush job.  Unless her new hubby has promised a do-over in a few months at some tropical or otherwise intensely exotic location, I'm not buying her reaction at all.  Jeesh, my fiancee almost killed her best friend because she didn't hurl herself out the window when she pricked her finger and drew blood while working on her dress.  Later, she threw a hissy fit when we got into the Just Married car and found that it had been playfully filled with balloons.  If it had rained during the ceremony, I'm sure she would have killed at least several people and blamed me for not willing the clouds away.  And our wedding was held INSIDE.

I'm surprised Chevy let them keep their clothes on

Know what the saddest thing is about this horrible lump of pain disguised as a commercial?

It's not the kid in the background banging on a toy piano during the whole thing, though that is pretty damned awful.  It's not that it's allegedly trying to sell us cars, and never you damn mind that 90 percent of it has absolutely nothing to do with cars at all.

It's not the Real People: Not Actors caption, though that's part of it.  I'm sorry to see that these people are not actors, because if they were acting, they'd have an excuse for this awfulness.

No, the saddest thing about this ad is that Chevrolet got a group of total strangers into a room, sat them down at a table with nametags, started asking them probing, embarressing questions about themselves so that they could be laughed at by the others- and not one of them responded by getting up and leaving.  Clearly, the cameras and the implied promise of facetime in a commercial for SOMETHING was enough to keep these soulless cretins in their seats,   It's almost frightening to think what the choad Chevy tool running this thing might have asked, knowing damn well that no level of humiliation and shame would have convinced these dignity-deficient bags of mucus to say "F--this" and just. Walk. Away.

Hope you enjoyed your moment in the --umm. "spotlight," you ugly nobodies.  Was it really worth it?

I can see where an actual flamethrower would come in handy here.

Yes, stupid lady, Gary remembers what happened last time.  And he doesn't give a damn because hey, he's Gary and he's a guy and you keep following him to Dairy Queen like a very, very unhappy little puppy.

Maybe it's just a lack of self-esteem?

I mean, think about it for a second.  From this guy's change in facial hair (which is supposed to indicate the passage of time, right?) the couple in this ad has been coming to Dairy Queen for years and years, and for years and years Gary has been making a total ass of himself every. Single. Time.

Yet, not only does this guy keep coming back to Dairy Queen- but this woman keeps coming back with him.  To be embarressed by his idiot behavior.  Over and over again.

By the time we get to the Present Day, she looks totally deflated, defeated, and most of all resigned to the idea that this is the guy she's going to be with for the foreseeable future.  All she can manage nowadays is a resigned "you know yourself, Gary."  Someone taught this woman very, very well that no matter how painful and life-sucking it may be to be with a guy, it's still better than being alone.

There is absolutely nothing worse than being alone- not even being with Gary.

But hey, maybe after becoming a familiar sight at Dairy Queen ("oh great, here comes Miss Desperate and Braying Moron Boyfriend Again") this time she's going to get a break- Gary has purchased what looks to be about two ounces of ice cream to cool down his mouth after whatever jalepeno-infested crap he insists on consuming gets eaten.  A fountain soda filled with a cold drink and ice couldn't do it, but a child-sized sundae will, huh?  Well, whatever, Dairy Queen.  It's your commercial.

And whatever, sad lady- it's your life.

(Heads up, kids and people- I'll be taking my annual vacation to the beach tomorrow and won't be able to update this site until next Saturday.  Enjoy the Archives 'till then!)

Hunger Can't Kill My Determination to be an Incurable Adolescent

It's almost frightening to think how many "men" out there think that this ad is in any way cool, let alone think that hanging out with other "men" in a living room during what is an obviously very nice day with Escape-Your-Pathetic-Reality glasses strapped to your empty head is in any way a "life."

It's absolutely no surprise that Hot Pockets are the go-to food of choice for "men" who would engage in this kind of activity.  As long as you are engaged in a lame substitute for life, why not fuel it using a lame substitute for food?  And as long as your activities are more appropriate for eight-year olds, why not eat crap made for stupid, Devil-May-Care eight year olds and their clueless "oh let's just buy it sure it's crap but it's easy to heat up and then they'll leave us alone" parents?

One YouTube commentator wonders how the jackass at the center of this awfulness was able to find the microwave.  I think the answer is actually pretty obvious- he spends so much time playing this asinine, life-sucking junk that he's memorized where the freezer and microwave is, because man it's a pain to take a break from the virtual reality that is so, so much more interesting that real life.  The lamp?  Who cares where that is?

For the people who have everything-- More!..

In every single one of these awful Swiffer ads, people living in houses which suggest that they have absolutely no need for a free ten-year supply of anything open their massive doors to discover that the Mop Fairy has left them a free ten-year supply of Swiffer mop thingees.  So their Almost Perfect Lives are now Almost Perfect Lives with clean floors.  Uh huh.

I keep opening the door to my Not-House and finding no packages containing anything I didn't order and pay for.  Meaning that the Swiffer Mop Fairy is a lot like Santa Claus- it saves the very best gifts for people who can already afford pretty much everything they want.  If I get a Free Sample of dog food it makes my day- and I don't even own a dog.

Now I can go back to worrying if my jacket is properly zipped....

Full Disclosure:  I use these things, and they're great for exactly the reason claimed- because when you want to keep a steady pace up over a long distance, there's nothing more annoying than having to stop to tie your shoes.  I wish I had invented them.

I'm only including this ad because of a line I read at the official website- "finally, an end to the stress and worry of untied shoes...."  Shoes coming untied are annoying.  But I have to say, I've never experienced "stress" and certainly not "worry" over them.  I mean, they are kind of a fact of life.  If you "worry" about your shoes coming untied and you aren't on a killer escalator or walking a tightrope, you don't have enough actual problems in your life.  Would you like to borrow some?

Well, at least no one's screaming in this Nissan ad...

So instead of just getting Little Jimmy to the next bus stop, Dad decides that the best thing to do would be to "race" the schoolbus?  Hmm, good thing that the schoolbus and dad's car are the only two vehicles in this entire suburban landscape, and good thing that the bus driver, the dad and his kid are the only people who exist in this particular universe, otherwise the dad's decision to drive 60 MPH down those streets might come across as a bit....irresponsible?

No speed bumps either- who needs them in a town with a population of three people anyway?