Our Awesome Future, provided by Verizon....

These two women have gotten together for movie night, but because the host's internet connection is so slow, the movie won't load and they are reduced to painful, awkward, terribly uncomfortable attempts to make small talk while playing Scrabble.

Wow, they must be such great friends.  With no movie on a giant screen to distract them, they have no real clue what to do with themselves.  A game like Scrabble might have been fun and educational for their parents, but we've got Connectivity now- or, at least, we're supposed to.  And just talking over coffee or a few glasses of wine?  Maybe that worked as a regular weekly thing once- but hey, now it's all about TV TV TV.

I'm going to assume that this woman's internet connect is really bad, because neither of them are retreating to their laptops or even phones.   So they are trapped in this terrible situation, with absolutely nothing to break the agony because oh my god the electronics have failed us.  It's like they are two hunter-gatherers sitting around a fire after taking down a mammoth.  Except that the hunter-gatherers had stuff to talk about, of course- boring stuff that didn't involve downloading, the losers.

Giving up any idea that these women might just forget the damn tv and just start chatting (TO EACHOTHER, IN PERSON,) wouldn't popping in a DVD at least partially solve this problem?  Or how about going OUT to see a movie?  I know it means going outside, but as long as you can't really stand to just BE together, wouldn't it be better than this?

Ok, who is the most insane person in this ad?

1.  Is it the younger woman, who lives in a house so filthy, and is so determined to hide that fact from Evil Mother In Law Cliche, that she spends an afternoon spraying the hell out of it with Febreze?  I mean, sure the house might not stink anymore, but isn't anyone going to notice how damp the pillows and curtains are?

2. Or is it Evil Never Satisfied Mother In Law Cliche, who proceeds to have a religious experience upon entering the Febreze-soaked house....and then attempts to consume the couch and drapes with her nose?  Ick- I mean, what the hell is that all about?

Dear first woman- you need to either keep your house clean (by which I mean, divide the cleaning chores up between yourself, your husband, and your kids) by actually CLEANING, because guess what?  Roaches don't care about Febreze.  And all you are teaching your family here (besides that mom is scared of Mom-in-Law) is that smelling clean is just as good as being clean.  Not a great message.

Dear second woman-- oh, never mind.  You're a lost cause.  Mom is pathetic, but Mom-in-Law....you're just gross.

One more Yes You Can and this guy gets shipped to Gitmo

I'm as liberal as they come, but.....

It would have been perfectly ok with me if the Department of Homeland Security had interrupted this pointless little "argument" by clubbing Mr. Yes You Can to death with billy clubs.  Or at least slamming his face into the x-ray machine, confiscating his passport, and sticking him on the No Fly List for the next thirty years.  Even though he does seem to be in the only airport in the United States featuring a "line" consisting of exactly four people at security.

Actually, I think that if this guy pulls one more "yes you can," that fourth person in line is going to do the clubbing honors.  I can only see part of her face and her elbow, but it looks like she's had just about enough of this conversation.

Another stupid man gets a well-deserved slapdown*

It's so funny when guys in commercials try to do things that don't involve cars, trucks, barbecues or killing weeds, don't you think?

This guy thought he was finally doing something right when he bought the bargain brand dishwashing detergent.  Hey look, honey, I'm saving us money!

Haha, loser.  Your wife is setting you back into your place and setting you straight- sure, you "saved" a little money, but now we have to use twice as much, Dumbass Why Don't You Stay In The Garage Until It's Time To Get Me Pregnant Again Idiot Man?  And now it's back to the store to buy what every woman knows is the GOOD detergent- bet you bump into a few other moron males who thought they could buy detergent too.  Jackass.

I bet this doofus even buys bread and clothes and tries to parent his kids every once in a while, and it always turns out badly because....hey, he's a guy.  Probably spends half his life apologizing for trying to act like he knows what he's doing.  If he would just stick to buying Round-Up and pickups, they'd both be better off.

*snark, of course.  Just imagine the roles being reversed in this ad, with the guy lecturing his wife and sending her back to the store.  Maybe in 1955.  Not today.

Three days later, someone's bloated corpse washes up on the beach, and the investigation begins

Personally, I think this guy should drive that SUV into the ocean and get this over with.

Failing that, however....

Is this guy used to being berated about taking the garbage out?  If so, why is he so damned happy about it?

Why is this woman thanking him for taking the garbage out?  Does he thank her for doing all of her chores?  And why is she so damned happy about "needing to talk?"  "Needing to talk" is never good news and is never anything to smile about.

Why is this woman so damned happy about applying for a Medicaid Supplement Plan (or Insurance or something- I don't know.  I don't care.  I just know it's not worth that Check Out My Dentures Smile?)  Is she on serious drugs, or what?

"Did you do your situps?"  Jeesh, lady- he looks like he's a retired man in his 70s who has enough testosterone to go kayaking, and enough money to own his own kayak which he can strap on the top of his SUV All By Himself, or at the very least with your help.  Situps?  He's about to row around in a kayak.  Is he in training for a triathalon?  It's not like you're asking if he took his heart meds or blood thinners.  He's about to row a freaking kayak!  Maybe he doesn't need to do situps today!

The guy responds to his wife's declaration "I think we need to look into spending more money" with a "right now?"  But we don't get an answer from the wife.  Next thing we know, she's moved on to nagging him about his situps.  So, did they get on their iPhone and order the extra coverage?  Or did they just agree to have this talk at a more appropriate time- like, when the guy isn't driving his SUV or getting ready to row a kayak?

Personally, I'd be a little worried if my spouse suddenly mentioned the need for more insurance just before we went out kayaking.  I wouldn't turn my back on her, that's all I'm saying.

They'll "grow up?" You mean, unlike their idiot parents, Microsoft?

So....our kids will be even more helpless, techno-obsessed dweebs than their parents?  Great.  Someone tell them- if they are smart, they'll delay moving beyond blankies and soft toys and on to "play with this electronic stuff because Mommy is really busy downloading Aps right now" junk as long as possible.

Oh, and they'll grow up with Windows 10- really?  Like kids two years ago were going to grow up with Windows 8?  Like Microsoft won't be apologizing for all of the bugs in Windows 10 this time next year, and by the time the infants and toddlers shown in this ad are heading off to preschool they won't be "growing up" with Windows 12?  We are supposed to believe this?

(BTW, what is with that last kid?  Is that supposed to be charming?  Because I found it a lot more creepy and weird than charming.)

Trying to understand this Miller Lite ad...

I mean, I should give it a shot since it's going to be on every commercial break during the Orioles-Tigers game this afternoon, right?

So this guy is heading off to do Karaoke - and feels compelled to let the convenience store know about it.  Before he goes, however, he needs to buy a six pack of light beer.

1.  Why?  Don't Karaoke bars serve beer?  He clearly doesn't need to drink a few beers before he works up the nerve to sing in front of an audience, since at the drop of a hat he'll belt out a line for a total stranger (who really needs that condescending smirk wiped off his face btw.)  Maybe it's for the audience, which might respond better to his crooning after a few beers?

2.  Am I supposed to think it's charming that the smarmy convenience store guy needs to know what they guy's plans are for the night?  Um, is this an f--ing store or not?  Ask for my ID, give me my change, mind your own g-d damned business, smarmy convenience story monkey.

As for the "let's hear some," um-- no.  Come to the bar and hear me sing there if you want.  I'm not your f--ng trained seal, knob.

3.  If this guy is going to do Karaoke, why would he be at all gobsmacked when a woman comes in during his idiot screeching?  Oh right- because he's not drunk yet?

4.  How is any of this supposed to make me thirsty for watered-down beer?

Meh, no.  I still don't get it.