Filling the vacuum left by this Jimmy Johns ad

Sometimes there's so little to the actual commercial, I find myself looking for things that simply arent' there- or, more accurately, things I'm probably not supposed to be thinking about or even noticing.

There's really nothing to this ad, except that it takes about twenty seconds for it's writer to get us to the "so fast you'll freak" punchline.  In that twenty seconds, we are supposed to aborb a few things without even really considering them--

1.  This fat, ugly man-child has landed himself a hot girlfriend....meh, it's television.  Nothing new there.

2.  Seeing a bloody zombie made the fat man-child think about ordering food.  My guess is that he's never answered "no" to the question "are you hungry?"

3.  The hot girl is apparently leaning toward answering "no," but then she thinks "JimmyJohns."  Maybe a better motto than "so fast you'll freak" is "what you want to eat when you aren't hungry but your fatass man-child Seriously Why Is This Guy Your Boyfriend partner is thinking about food AGAIN."

4.  In the middle of the day, this woman is so frightened at the sight of a zombie that when she sees the JimmyJohns delivery monkey appear outside her sliding glass door, she faints.  Um, wouldn't this scene make a LITTLE more sense if it was at least DARK outside, instead of noon?

5.  I don't know why this woman is so suprised.  From the look of this guy she's hooked herself to, she should be pretty used to his ability to make the transition from "I'm kind of hungry" to having fatty, crappy fast food in the blink of an eye.

Oh, and my mommy is trying to figure out how to put a meter on a polar bear

Maybe your mom has been hired to do a few showy, underfunded prop projects that look really good to easily-conned twee greenies with blinders on, but when all is said and done she works for a company that rapes the environment,  is dedicated to squeezing every ounce of energy out of every starving backwater on the planet, and hides behind a compliant media which is generally supportive of what it's doing because GE is writing the checks.

It's nice that you think Mommy is a superhero who is out to save the world, but someone needs to let you know that if we do find our way out of the Global Climate Change crisis, it won't be General Electric leading the way, sorry.  Not unless there's a buck in it.  Actually, about 10 billion of them.  A year.

Coke, Pepsi, Battery Acid, Whatever- which one is offering concert tickets?

I guess the message of this ad is that Coke and Pepsi are interchangeable; there is absolutely no reason to choose one over the other that has anything to do with taste.  People just randomly buy Coke or Pepsi depending on which one is closer, or which one is more convenient to pick up without having to stop taking selfies.

The message also seems to be that if you do accidentally choose Pepsi, you'll be given concert tickets.  I guess.  Because the idiot who congratulates herself for her wise if not completely random choice seems to think that "eligible to win tickets" equals "won tickets."  And she's supported in this odd theory by her less-fortunate friend, who darn it chose Coke, probably because it was the machine not being accessed at the moment she decided she wanted a soda because her friend was buying a Pepsi.  That friend got nothing but a bottle of Coke with a name on it which is not even hers.  Oh, and 12 ounces of Coke, which I guess doesn't amount to much when compared to a very slight chance of winning concert tickets.

As it turns out, Prematurely Thrilled Pepsi Drinker was not being premature after all- she really DID win concert tickets, and there she is having a great time with the Pepsi she just purchased (that's quick turnover on prize redemption, way to go Pepsi!)  Her friend?  Well, she's left with her Coke.

Which brings me back to my original thought:  Coke and Pepsi don't taste the same, at all.  If you like Coke, would you really buy a Pepsi instead if Pepsi was offering concert tickets to every 10,000th purchaser?  Isn't the whole point of buying a soda drinking the freaking soda?  Not to these women, I guess.

Carnation really doesn't get the "Essentials...."

I really don't care if adults want to take the ultimate short cut and guzzle this stuff every morning, trying to trick their brains into thinking that they are actually consuming something that will get them to lunch.  I mean, they are adults and can make their own decisions, and at least this is better than a quick stop at the McDonald's drive-thru for sausages and eggs wrapped in pancakes.

But the final scene features an entire family standing around a MASSIVE kitchen "enjoying" this crap instead of....oh, I don't know...getting out of bed a few minutes earlier and sitting down to cereal, fruit, some orange juice, and an actual "hey we're a family so we might as well get to know eachother" breakfast.   Kids kind of need nutrition (again, not to mention the "look how much we care" gestures like actual food and quality time) to start the day.  Mom and Dad will be grabbing a coffee and a donut in the breakroom before 10- around the same time these kids hear the first gurgles of an empty stomach as they struggle to undertand algebra.   Something's wrong here- though they ARE standing ridiculously close together in that kitchen- so we'll know the parents are at least somewhat emotionally attached to their kids, perhaps....

Two parents, three growing kids, a big kitchen....and five glasses of chocolate milk for breakfast?  Fail, Mom and Dad.  Maybe the tagline for this commercial should be "Because We Care....Sort Of."

Dish is how you come close to ruining my summer

Pretty much the only thing worse than this horrible ad is it's radio version, which assaulted by eardrums roughly four hundred times this summer, jumping out of my headphones to commit a brutal crime against my eardrums during pretty much every commercial break during every baseball game and most XM/Sirius talk shows.

I didn't even realize that the jackass screeching this swill was "singing" "DISH is how we do it" until maybe the 100th time I was subjected to this commercial, and by then I was getting pretty good at just muting my radio during ad breaks because I kind of LIKE my ears, and I REALLY would like to hold on to my sanity for a few more years.  Once I realized that he was saying DISH instead of THIS.....it didn't help at all.  Not even a little.

I'm just really hoping that this was a summer offer and it's about to end, and that Dish Network just irritated and turned off a lot more people than it conned into locking themselves into a two-year committment with a massive cancellation fee and then discovered just how incredibly crappy the service is whenever it gets cloudy (my parents have a dish because cable doesn't reach where they live- and whenever it rains hard, the only channel available is the NO SATELLITE SIGNAL PLEASE WAIT SEARCHING......screen.)  I can't feel sorry for anyone who decided to reward Dish Network for this garbage by signing up.  You get what you pay for, idiots.

It works if you can forget "Episodes I, II and III"

I was fourteen years old when Star Wars hit the movie screens for the first time (it was called Star Wars- that Episode I A New Hope crap didn't take hold until some years later.)  Like so many of my generation, I was transfixed by the experience of watching what seemed at the time to be nothing short of magic.  I'll always be grateful that I was able to experience the original film-- 35 times in five weeks- before George Lucas decided to "fix" and "improve" (come damn close to ruining) it.

I can remember there being NO Star Wars vehicles, action figures, etc. that first Christmas after the original film was released (1977.)  I do not remember it being a problem, since whiffle bats worked great as light sabers and GI Joes were perfectly good stand-ins for our favorite characters.  Seems strange now, but back then it was not automatically assumed that films would come with a built-in merchandising campaign.  By "Episode VI" (gag) stuffed Ewoks were on the shelves BEFORE the film showed up, and Sears was devoting an entire page of it's wonderful Christmas catalogue to tie-in stuff.

I'm so glad I wasn't a little kid in the late-90s, and I could take that three-serving steaming bowl of crud Lucas dumped all over us with a grain of salt.  I will probably give Episode VII a try, because what the heck....but I can't help but note that all of these home movies date from the late-70s and early-80s, and not the turn of the century.....hmmm.....

Xfinity's drive to turn us all into zombies continues unabated....

Woman near the end of this horrible Joys Of Sitting On Your Ass Watching TV Whenever Wherever ad:  "What does it not do?"  Easy answer- it doesn't do anything to encourage you to get off your overfed ass and go outside and actually do something, you addicted moron.

But she's just the last person in the long parade of slouching couch potato jackass mouth-breathers who populate this two minutes of sludge.  Everyone here is just enchanted with the idea of getting rid of their "dissapointing" DVR-- "it only lets you record two shows at the same time,"ooooh poor baby how DO you find the courage to get through life?  With Xfinity, you can record up to FOUR shows at the same time while watching a fifth show- well, it's about damn time, and never mind that there has never, ever in the history of television been more than two shows worth watching on the tv at the same time.  Hell, I can't remember I flipped back and forth between two shows because I was actually interested in both of them.  More like "meh, whatever, I might come back to this, but let's see what else is on just in case it's better...."  I don't have DVR at all, and believe it or not, I couldn't care less.

The people in TV land apparently all have so many channels and so many fun things to watch that they need to be able to record four shows at the same time even when they are home watching a fifth show.  Which leads me to two questions- what kind of cable package to they have, and where do they ever find the time to watch all these recorded shows?

Oh, and if you're carrying around your television on your phone, forever watching one show while recording four others for later consumption, do you ever get around to doing anything other than watching tv?

Oh, and for you people who have bought in to this TV Is My Life crap- do you really want your kids to emulate your sad behavior?  Really?