Here's a Michelob ULTRA POINTLESS commercial I wouldn't mind dropping into the stump grinder....

"We have really stupid names for our really stupid clubs.  One of those names is actually kind of insulting- 'Freedom Hikers,' which sounds a lot like 'Freedom Riders,' except the 'Freedom Riders' were young people who rode throughout the segregated, viciously racist South risking their lives to stand up for the oppressed black population of the region and help them register to vote, while we just stumble around the woods for a few hours, whooping now and then for absolutely no reason, and then salute our Obvious Epicness with  heavy glass bottles of beer we dragged into the wilderness because hey, we're really cool but that doesnt' mean we're bright."

"Whatever we call ourselves, what we are is a group of Pretty White People looking for something to do before we start drinking really crappy, watered down swill we laughingly refer to as beer as we toast ourselves for being Pretty White People who are, by the way, really awesome because we like to have fun."

(Editor's Note: "What really brought us together...is what keeps us coming back."  Yep, I get it- each of these groups is made up of a bunch of young alcoholics who decided that they really ought to be doing something more with their lives than getting drunk in front of  a giant screen at Buffalo Wild Wings every Sunday afternoon.  So they decided to wedge in some non-drinking activity like hiking or running or swimming that would consume a few hours and allow them to pretend that the drinking part was just the wrap-up of a nice day and not the actual goal.  That final line kind of kills this idea, though- the narrator tells us straight out that the reason these people continue to engage in hiking, swimming, running, etc. is because of the promised beer at the end of the day.  Kind of sad- but at least they get outside for a while.  And none of these activities are going to be practical once the weather cools down; coincidentally, that also signals football season, and Buffalo Wild Wings awaits....)

Hey, it's that song you gagged on back in the 70s. With a Nissan!

As near as I can tell through one viewing of this gigantic smarmy steaming pile of manipulative tripe, Dad is a NASCAR driver who got married, had a son, and then went on a 17-year race circuit in which he never, ever came home not even once and his only contact with his son was some kind of failed mind meld which could only be attempted because his abandoned wife inexplicably allowed the kid to watch Daddy Almost Get Killed For the Entertainment of Screaming Rubes live every Saturday afternoon.

Oh, and one day dad showed up in a Nissan outside his kid's school, and his kid got into the car because he recognized dad from television.

That's all there is, right?

NFL's latest is especially depressing

Yeah because before Fantasy Football, friends never had anything to talk about.  They just sat around awkwardly trying to avoid eye contact in between texting and making phone calls.  Every once in a while they wondered "why are we friends again?  Oh yeah because Facebook."

And what did friends do before cell phones and Facebook?  Well, that's a pretty stupid question.  Obviously friends had not been invented yet.  Friends were invented by Mark Zuckerberg, and one's value is measured by how many one has on Facebook.  Without Facebook, how could there be friends?

And before Fantasy Football, there were friends outside Facebook but just to have someone to be with when you were talking and texting.  Just like before Fantasy Football there was still football, but people just watched the games without obsessing over "fantasy stats" and alleged big piles of money to be made by being a shameless loser geek online.  Man did life suck back then.

Coming back to reality- can we please admit that Fantasy Football is just another excuse to sit on your sorry ass and stare at a computer screen instead of actually doing something of value with your life?  Ok, it's fine if it's just a hobby, though a hobby that involves no movement other than finger taps strikes me as not particularly beneficial (notice that weight gain?  Sore back?  It's all about you being immobile, idiot.)  If it's so consumed your life that you aren't able to talk to people about anything else, well, I feel sorry for you and urge you to seek therapy.

Oh, and while you're at it, get a freaking life that doesn't involve following the accomplishments of someone else you don't know and will never meet.  It might include making some actual friends.  If that doesn't sound too awkward and scary for you.

Wow....um, really, Samsung?

Here's another "hilarious" commercial featuring Real Young Parents dealing with their Real Child and succeeding brilliantly because they've invested in an expensive product with a feature you never thought you actually needed (and actually don't, unless you are as demented and frightening and frightened as these Real Young Parents.)

The "Code Red!" Young New Dad is yelling about as he runs down the stairs of his Spotlessly White Enormous HouseTM is instantly recognized by his partner in crime, Young New Mom.  Seems that the Center of Their Universe Now That They've Successfully Produced Their Contribution To The Next Generation spilled juice over her favorite stuffed animal.  Not being a dad myself, I can only imagine the horror that has gripped New Young Mom and New Young Dad once they realized that their Precious Gift From Heaven is experiencing a certain level of discomfort.  I mean, even PGFH's backup favorite stuffed animal isn't available-- this is an emergency!!

Fortunately, Young New Dad and Young New Mom have Samsung's state of the art washing machine which features some kind of instant wash option, so PGFH will not have to wait more than a few seconds to get her toy back.  And family harmony will be restored until something that can't be solved with expensive technology pops up.  Maybe it will drop her ice cream cone.  Maybe Young Family will find itself in a traffic jam when PGFH really really really doesn't want to be in the car anymore.  Maybe the store will be out of PGFH's favorite flavor of Pediasure.  God help us if there isn't an App for that.

If this is a "Code Red," what will these frightened idiots call those problems?

Filling the vacuum left by this Jimmy Johns ad

Sometimes there's so little to the actual commercial, I find myself looking for things that simply arent' there- or, more accurately, things I'm probably not supposed to be thinking about or even noticing.

There's really nothing to this ad, except that it takes about twenty seconds for it's writer to get us to the "so fast you'll freak" punchline.  In that twenty seconds, we are supposed to aborb a few things without even really considering them--

1.  This fat, ugly man-child has landed himself a hot girlfriend....meh, it's television.  Nothing new there.

2.  Seeing a bloody zombie made the fat man-child think about ordering food.  My guess is that he's never answered "no" to the question "are you hungry?"

3.  The hot girl is apparently leaning toward answering "no," but then she thinks "JimmyJohns."  Maybe a better motto than "so fast you'll freak" is "what you want to eat when you aren't hungry but your fatass man-child Seriously Why Is This Guy Your Boyfriend partner is thinking about food AGAIN."

4.  In the middle of the day, this woman is so frightened at the sight of a zombie that when she sees the JimmyJohns delivery monkey appear outside her sliding glass door, she faints.  Um, wouldn't this scene make a LITTLE more sense if it was at least DARK outside, instead of noon?

5.  I don't know why this woman is so suprised.  From the look of this guy she's hooked herself to, she should be pretty used to his ability to make the transition from "I'm kind of hungry" to having fatty, crappy fast food in the blink of an eye.

Oh, and my mommy is trying to figure out how to put a meter on a polar bear

Maybe your mom has been hired to do a few showy, underfunded prop projects that look really good to easily-conned twee greenies with blinders on, but when all is said and done she works for a company that rapes the environment,  is dedicated to squeezing every ounce of energy out of every starving backwater on the planet, and hides behind a compliant media which is generally supportive of what it's doing because GE is writing the checks.

It's nice that you think Mommy is a superhero who is out to save the world, but someone needs to let you know that if we do find our way out of the Global Climate Change crisis, it won't be General Electric leading the way, sorry.  Not unless there's a buck in it.  Actually, about 10 billion of them.  A year.

Coke, Pepsi, Battery Acid, Whatever- which one is offering concert tickets?

I guess the message of this ad is that Coke and Pepsi are interchangeable; there is absolutely no reason to choose one over the other that has anything to do with taste.  People just randomly buy Coke or Pepsi depending on which one is closer, or which one is more convenient to pick up without having to stop taking selfies.

The message also seems to be that if you do accidentally choose Pepsi, you'll be given concert tickets.  I guess.  Because the idiot who congratulates herself for her wise if not completely random choice seems to think that "eligible to win tickets" equals "won tickets."  And she's supported in this odd theory by her less-fortunate friend, who darn it chose Coke, probably because it was the machine not being accessed at the moment she decided she wanted a soda because her friend was buying a Pepsi.  That friend got nothing but a bottle of Coke with a name on it which is not even hers.  Oh, and 12 ounces of Coke, which I guess doesn't amount to much when compared to a very slight chance of winning concert tickets.

As it turns out, Prematurely Thrilled Pepsi Drinker was not being premature after all- she really DID win concert tickets, and there she is having a great time with the Pepsi she just purchased (that's quick turnover on prize redemption, way to go Pepsi!)  Her friend?  Well, she's left with her Coke.

Which brings me back to my original thought:  Coke and Pepsi don't taste the same, at all.  If you like Coke, would you really buy a Pepsi instead if Pepsi was offering concert tickets to every 10,000th purchaser?  Isn't the whole point of buying a soda drinking the freaking soda?  Not to these women, I guess.