SimpliParanoid

"Your connection to emergency services can't be cut because SimpliSafe doesn't rely on landlines."

Seriously?  I thought burglars just waited for you to leave the house before breaking a window and stealing your stuff.  I didn't know that they were elite squads of terrorists who did things like cut landlines before invading and holding your family hostage.  And what good does cutting landlines do anyway in the age of cellphones?  What am I missing here?

Isn't this all about striking terror into the hearts of freakishly skittish suburban white jackasses who can't believe they own big houses, know damn well they don't deserve them, and live in a constant state of guilt that Those Other People are going to hit back hard some night in the perhaps not-to-distant future?  I mean, if you find yourself investing in a home security system that is immune to having your landline cut, you are one step away from investing in a Safe Room and Glenn Beck Collapse of Society Survival Kits.  My guess is that you've probably watched too many Die Hard movies and ought to just invite Stephen Seagal to sleep on your couch.

"In this same universe, at a time which now seems far, far away..." Walmart gets Star Wars wrong

"You see, there were these knights called Jedi.  All they needed to be Jedi was to dedicate themselves to protecting the Republic and undergo serious training at the hands of Jedi Masters.  Those Jedi Masters had a habit of insisting that the potential trainee was 'too old to begin the training' no matter how old they were, but were also proven wrong on every occassion...

"This for example allowed a simple farmboy with a lust for adventure and a yearning to find purpose in his life to become a Jedi very late in life (in his early-20s) after meeting a self-exiled Jedi Master in the desert, rescuing a princess, and completing that training with the help of another self-exiled Jedi Master, finally confronting his dark side in a climax featuring a battle with his fallen father.  In the meantime two Death Stars are destroyed, friendships are forged, and the Empire is brought down by the forces of Good."

"Afterwards, there are three horrible films you need not ever watch, and are by no means recommended unless you want what I just taught you to be totally and horribly retconned.  For example, you'd learn that determination and pluck and devotion have nothing to do with becoming a Jedi after all-- it really just depends on how many 'Miticlorions" you have in your blood.  If you don't have enough, sorry- doesn't matter how pure and big your heart is, or how sincere your determination is, you are out of the club because you don't have the right blood type.   You would also learn that in the age before the original Star Wars films technology was BETTER than it would be later, people moved and acted in a bizarre wooden manner, Jedi didn't do anything more strenuous than sitting around in semicircles pondering their own awesomeness until it was way too late to do anything else, children were called 'younglings' and R2D2 could fly (never mind that that skill would have come in handy several times during the first three movies.)"

"And never forget this important lesson, my child:  R2D2 and C3P0 do not have an 'origin story,' because machines don't need origin stories, Han Solo fired first (just as you can see on my original VHS tape, don't watch the DVD version because it's non-canonical,) and there is no such thing as a Jar Jar Binks."

Little Caesar's knows it's audience

No, not Crazy Cat People- though anyone who would own this many cats certainly is crazy, and I can't imagine having an appetite ever if I had to live with all those cats.  I don't want to live with even ONE cat.   Ugh, turns my stomach to think about it.

By "knows it's audience," I mean knows that people who are dumb enough to spend good money on the cheap, mass-produced crud that makes up a Little Caesar's pizza are the same people who think that ordering a pizza online, "with those confusing passwords and stored credit card numbers," is too complicated to handle on a regular basis.  It's almost frightening to think where we are going as a society when ordering a pizza online- which was sold to us as pretty damned close to miraculously wonderful about fifteen minutes ago- is now described as "too complicated."

Meanwhile....I wonder how many kitty litter boxes this guy has?  Never mind- again, I don't even want to think about it.

Here's a Michelob ULTRA POINTLESS commercial I wouldn't mind dropping into the stump grinder....

"We have really stupid names for our really stupid clubs.  One of those names is actually kind of insulting- 'Freedom Hikers,' which sounds a lot like 'Freedom Riders,' except the 'Freedom Riders' were young people who rode throughout the segregated, viciously racist South risking their lives to stand up for the oppressed black population of the region and help them register to vote, while we just stumble around the woods for a few hours, whooping now and then for absolutely no reason, and then salute our Obvious Epicness with  heavy glass bottles of beer we dragged into the wilderness because hey, we're really cool but that doesnt' mean we're bright."

"Whatever we call ourselves, what we are is a group of Pretty White People looking for something to do before we start drinking really crappy, watered down swill we laughingly refer to as beer as we toast ourselves for being Pretty White People who are, by the way, really awesome because we like to have fun."

(Editor's Note: "What really brought us together...is what keeps us coming back."  Yep, I get it- each of these groups is made up of a bunch of young alcoholics who decided that they really ought to be doing something more with their lives than getting drunk in front of  a giant screen at Buffalo Wild Wings every Sunday afternoon.  So they decided to wedge in some non-drinking activity like hiking or running or swimming that would consume a few hours and allow them to pretend that the drinking part was just the wrap-up of a nice day and not the actual goal.  That final line kind of kills this idea, though- the narrator tells us straight out that the reason these people continue to engage in hiking, swimming, running, etc. is because of the promised beer at the end of the day.  Kind of sad- but at least they get outside for a while.  And none of these activities are going to be practical once the weather cools down; coincidentally, that also signals football season, and Buffalo Wild Wings awaits....)

Hey, it's that song you gagged on back in the 70s. With a Nissan!

As near as I can tell through one viewing of this gigantic smarmy steaming pile of manipulative tripe, Dad is a NASCAR driver who got married, had a son, and then went on a 17-year race circuit in which he never, ever came home not even once and his only contact with his son was some kind of failed mind meld which could only be attempted because his abandoned wife inexplicably allowed the kid to watch Daddy Almost Get Killed For the Entertainment of Screaming Rubes live every Saturday afternoon.

Oh, and one day dad showed up in a Nissan outside his kid's school, and his kid got into the car because he recognized dad from television.

That's all there is, right?

NFL's latest is especially depressing

Yeah because before Fantasy Football, friends never had anything to talk about.  They just sat around awkwardly trying to avoid eye contact in between texting and making phone calls.  Every once in a while they wondered "why are we friends again?  Oh yeah because Facebook."

And what did friends do before cell phones and Facebook?  Well, that's a pretty stupid question.  Obviously friends had not been invented yet.  Friends were invented by Mark Zuckerberg, and one's value is measured by how many one has on Facebook.  Without Facebook, how could there be friends?

And before Fantasy Football, there were friends outside Facebook but just to have someone to be with when you were talking and texting.  Just like before Fantasy Football there was still football, but people just watched the games without obsessing over "fantasy stats" and alleged big piles of money to be made by being a shameless loser geek online.  Man did life suck back then.

Coming back to reality- can we please admit that Fantasy Football is just another excuse to sit on your sorry ass and stare at a computer screen instead of actually doing something of value with your life?  Ok, it's fine if it's just a hobby, though a hobby that involves no movement other than finger taps strikes me as not particularly beneficial (notice that weight gain?  Sore back?  It's all about you being immobile, idiot.)  If it's so consumed your life that you aren't able to talk to people about anything else, well, I feel sorry for you and urge you to seek therapy.

Oh, and while you're at it, get a freaking life that doesn't involve following the accomplishments of someone else you don't know and will never meet.  It might include making some actual friends.  If that doesn't sound too awkward and scary for you.

Wow....um, really, Samsung?

Here's another "hilarious" commercial featuring Real Young Parents dealing with their Real Child and succeeding brilliantly because they've invested in an expensive product with a feature you never thought you actually needed (and actually don't, unless you are as demented and frightening and frightened as these Real Young Parents.)

The "Code Red!" Young New Dad is yelling about as he runs down the stairs of his Spotlessly White Enormous HouseTM is instantly recognized by his partner in crime, Young New Mom.  Seems that the Center of Their Universe Now That They've Successfully Produced Their Contribution To The Next Generation spilled juice over her favorite stuffed animal.  Not being a dad myself, I can only imagine the horror that has gripped New Young Mom and New Young Dad once they realized that their Precious Gift From Heaven is experiencing a certain level of discomfort.  I mean, even PGFH's backup favorite stuffed animal isn't available-- this is an emergency!!

Fortunately, Young New Dad and Young New Mom have Samsung's state of the art washing machine which features some kind of instant wash option, so PGFH will not have to wait more than a few seconds to get her toy back.  And family harmony will be restored until something that can't be solved with expensive technology pops up.  Maybe it will drop her ice cream cone.  Maybe Young Family will find itself in a traffic jam when PGFH really really really doesn't want to be in the car anymore.  Maybe the store will be out of PGFH's favorite flavor of Pediasure.  God help us if there isn't an App for that.

If this is a "Code Red," what will these frightened idiots call those problems?