I've got your translation, Luvs!

"Second kid:  You're tired of caring.  Whatever allows you to get out of the house will do."

"Third kid:  A bowl of kibble and another bowl of water on the kitchen floor works.  If you've planned them out right, the First kid can babysit."

Luv's "the more kids you have, the less you really give a damn" ad campaign makes me happy.  I don't know why.  Not even the Typical TV Land Gleaming White House That Guy Who Gets You Pregnant Every Few Years But Is Oddly Never Around Bought You With bothers me this time.

This McDonalds Ad's Lost Dialogue

"What's this?  Oh, how nice- a greasy, cold sandwich you picked up at the McDonalds drive-thru twenty minutes ago.  Aren't you all that and a bag of chips.  Gosh, what did I do to deserve an awesome guy like you?"

"I mean, I could have made a bad choice and married someone who made enough money so I wouldn't have to work 8-hour shifts at a freaking toll booth, breathing in carbon monoxide all day, grateful to be handed a soggy sandwich straight off the dollar menu at McDonalds.  Wouldn't that have been awful- to live in a nice house like those people in all the commercials who actually have time to eat breakfast at home instead of in an f---ing booth where they are being handed money from germy idiots who still haven't figured out what EZPASS stands for!"

"And oh, thanks for saving paper by not picking me up a napkin- there's plenty of running water in this walk-in closet I spend every day in.  And speaking of water, what am I supposed to wash this salty crap down with?  What, a $1 cup of coffee not in the budget, Mr. I'll Provide For You I Promise?"

"BTW, you didn't have to take 'For Better or For Worse' literally.  I sure didn't.  First guy who offers me something more appetizing than this sandwich, I'm jumping in his car and never looking back.  'See you at home?'  Maybe.  But don't be so damned sure, Mr. Born Romantic Big Spender."

Wait 'til they note the spike in Brie prices at Whole Foods!

Dear Verizon,

This commercial would be slightly more believable if I could buy the idea that anyone in it really gave a damn if their cable bill went up by $20 or $50 or even $100 per month.  I mean, maybe if you showed me people living in an apartment, or a trailer, or even in an f---ing modest home and not a surburban palace (one of these guys is hosting an f--ing POOL PARTY when he gets "blindsided" by a bill increase, for crying out loud!  These people are concerned about cable bills?  Yeah, I'm so sure.)

On the other hand, I'd like to thank you for not being the company that continues to harrass me with DISH IS HOW YOU DO IT ear-bleeding crud ads.  It's not much, but I really do want to make a point of mentioning that you had nothing to do with that.

One more thing- I'd also like to thank you for feeling so threatened by DISH IS HOW YOU DO IT that you gave me a nice discount on MY cable bill just because I called and warned I might switch.  Hey, maybe I should be thanking Dish.  Not going to, though.

Peyton Manning sure has a lot of time on his hands- not to mention a lot of space for more rings.

"Does Peyton ever talk?" Yes, he is talking all the time.  He kind of has to talk, considering that he's the star of roughly 80% of all commercials running during NFL games.

The better question is "Does Peyton ever do anything else?"  And the answer is, "yes, he sure does.  Very often he likes to take a break from starring in commercials to kick back, relax, and watch Tom Brady win another Superbowl Ring."

Which leads us to one more question: "Who is Tom Brady?"  And the answer is "he's the quarterback of the New England Patriots.  You might not know much about him because he doesn't star in a lot of commercials- he leaves that to guys like Peyton Manning, and Aaron Rodgers, and other quarterbacks who don't regularly win Superbowls.  If you want to see Brady playing a starring role on your TV, you have to wait until February.  Then you'll recognize him- he's the guy holding that big trophy."

"Peyton Manning?  He's the guy shilling for pizza when the network cuts away from Brady holding that big trophy."

Another "Old People And Their Silly Problems Sure Are Silly" Commercial

aaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha....

(pause, deep breath)

AAAAAAAhahahahahahahahahhaaha!!

Full Disclosure;  My dad uses a cane.  Well, sort of- actually, he OWNS a cane which he would use more often, if he and it were ever in the same place at the same time.  But that's rarely the case- usually the cane is in the car while he's in the living room, or it's hanging on a chair in the kitchen while he's in the computer room on the other side of the house.  Sometimes it's on the tractor.  Sometimes it's hanging on a shopping cart at the store he visited earlier that day.

And his cane isn't small.  It's a full cane, which means it's more than just a handle.  So though it's always getting lost, it's also always being found.  I love the "fits easily in the glove compartment" line-- yes, of course it does.  Doesn't mean it's ever actually going to be put there.  Much more likely it's going to end up on the floor, where Gimpy Gus can't find it or reach it.

"Mom, why aren't you using that Amazing Not-Cane I got you?"  "Oh, I don't know where it is.  It's somewhere.  Maybe you could look for it if you get a chance, but it's no hurry, really."

If it was just a handle, I think it would be used once and then never seen again.  If you buy this thing for the old person in your life, better buy about a hundred of them- or put one of those tile things on it so you can use your phone to find it every fifteen minutes or so.  And I do mean YOUR phone, because your parents aren't using SmartPhones and have no idea what Apps are.

Of course, I'm being optimistic when I predict that the Amazing Cane Handle will just get lost all the time.  It's more likely it will used again and again and again, each time doing terrific damage to your parent's car as it's left in the door while it's being slammed-- again and again and again. Accompanied by loud curses.  Every single time.

BTW, if you can stand on the cane while it's attached to your car, why on Earth do you need to use one?  Seems to me that's pretty darned agile.  I don't get it.

"Um....the thing is, I'm kind of not interested in thoughtless idiots with moron friends, sorry."

1.  The guy in this ad has a lot more guts than I could ever hope to have, if he's calling the day after a date using a tablet.  The Next Day phone call is hard enough- to do it with actual, visual contact?  Pretty damned impressive.

2.  This woman is an absolute idiot to want to take this call in front of her friends.  She has no idea what this guy is going to say, first of all.  Second, is she going to let the guy know that their conversation is not private, but is being shared with her idiot friends?

3.  This guy gets a great red flag at the end, finding out exactly what kind of friends last night's date has.  Run away, buddy, run away.

Almost makes going to church seem like a good idea

How does any of this brain-dead crap contribute to society?  Between Chris "I comment on baseball for two weeks out of the year because World Series" Berman's Done To Death By The End of the 90s irritating noises schtick to Jim Crow-level shucking and jiving, this commerical just left me depressed, with a slight headache, and more determined than ever to just leave my television off until 1 PM Sundays at the very earliest.

(In fact, I am beginning to discover the joys of listening to the one game broadcast over XM/Sirius on my old non-NFL XM package as I walk.  Exercise, fresh air, and no Chris Berman or badly-disguised racism in sight.  Perfect.)