It's not a Phone, it's a Attention Vampire and a drug you're clearly addicted to

(Wasted Moments of Life Not Refundable.)

I wonder how many idiots who think that this commercial is LOL AMAZING ever stop to think that there's a real universe out there with real bugs and caterpillars that turn into butterflies, and that these amazing things don't just exist on overpriced toys you can carry around with you like a techno-addicted jackass.

My guess is that there are plenty of people out there who think that "High-Definition" is only accomplished by using expensive screens and is not available using....um...human eyes.  And have no idea that there's a great big beautiful world out there to be seen with those very same eyes if they'd only pry them away from their stupid phones every once in a while.

Oh, but please, life-wasting losers:  Get your fellow iPhone dweeb loser "friends" together and make your own version of this ad.  Take an afternoon for it.  You weren't going to be doing anything with that time, anyway.  Just do me a favor, ok?  Take a break from your Amazing Creativity when you are operating a motor vehicle. Just watch the damned road.  Sure, we'll all suffer a bit waiting for your wonderful contribution to the world of Image Sharing, but it will be worth it to get home in one piece.

DraftKings Presents: The First Day of the Rest of your Life

The only fantasy this guy should be having is finding himself a life and an actual reason to get up in the morning.  Because fantasy football as your guiding force and reason for being?  Calling that "sad" would be an insult to the word "sad."  Hell, I don't even think "pathetic" would suffice.

How does DraftKings work?  Well, it's gambling, pure and simple, so let's just skip to "how does organized gambling work?"  Pretty basic:  A large population risks money.  A very tiny sliver of that large population collects money for their risk.  A much, MUCH larger portion loses money (and some percentage of that large portion goes on to risk more money, lose again, develop an addiction, and end up with really big problems involving friends, family, and creditors.)  The very tiny sliver of winners are given a ton of attention.  The very  large population of losers are given no attention at all- in fact, as far as advertising agencies working for companies like DraftKings (and State Lotteries, which are the biggest scumbags of all in my humble opinion) are concerned, they simply don't exist.  Everyone's A Winner, except of course for the 99.9% who aren't.

(There's another one of these ads in which a guy calls winning at DraftKings "the greatest adrenelin rush there is."  Which makes him the SADDEST HUMAN BEING EVER.  Seriously, GET A DATE YOU IDIOT!)

Someone wake up Webster.  He's got to come up with a new word for this level of meaninglessness.

I've got your translation, Luvs!

"Second kid:  You're tired of caring.  Whatever allows you to get out of the house will do."

"Third kid:  A bowl of kibble and another bowl of water on the kitchen floor works.  If you've planned them out right, the First kid can babysit."

Luv's "the more kids you have, the less you really give a damn" ad campaign makes me happy.  I don't know why.  Not even the Typical TV Land Gleaming White House That Guy Who Gets You Pregnant Every Few Years But Is Oddly Never Around Bought You With bothers me this time.

This McDonalds Ad's Lost Dialogue

"What's this?  Oh, how nice- a greasy, cold sandwich you picked up at the McDonalds drive-thru twenty minutes ago.  Aren't you all that and a bag of chips.  Gosh, what did I do to deserve an awesome guy like you?"

"I mean, I could have made a bad choice and married someone who made enough money so I wouldn't have to work 8-hour shifts at a freaking toll booth, breathing in carbon monoxide all day, grateful to be handed a soggy sandwich straight off the dollar menu at McDonalds.  Wouldn't that have been awful- to live in a nice house like those people in all the commercials who actually have time to eat breakfast at home instead of in an f---ing booth where they are being handed money from germy idiots who still haven't figured out what EZPASS stands for!"

"And oh, thanks for saving paper by not picking me up a napkin- there's plenty of running water in this walk-in closet I spend every day in.  And speaking of water, what am I supposed to wash this salty crap down with?  What, a $1 cup of coffee not in the budget, Mr. I'll Provide For You I Promise?"

"BTW, you didn't have to take 'For Better or For Worse' literally.  I sure didn't.  First guy who offers me something more appetizing than this sandwich, I'm jumping in his car and never looking back.  'See you at home?'  Maybe.  But don't be so damned sure, Mr. Born Romantic Big Spender."

Wait 'til they note the spike in Brie prices at Whole Foods!

Dear Verizon,

This commercial would be slightly more believable if I could buy the idea that anyone in it really gave a damn if their cable bill went up by $20 or $50 or even $100 per month.  I mean, maybe if you showed me people living in an apartment, or a trailer, or even in an f---ing modest home and not a surburban palace (one of these guys is hosting an f--ing POOL PARTY when he gets "blindsided" by a bill increase, for crying out loud!  These people are concerned about cable bills?  Yeah, I'm so sure.)

On the other hand, I'd like to thank you for not being the company that continues to harrass me with DISH IS HOW YOU DO IT ear-bleeding crud ads.  It's not much, but I really do want to make a point of mentioning that you had nothing to do with that.

One more thing- I'd also like to thank you for feeling so threatened by DISH IS HOW YOU DO IT that you gave me a nice discount on MY cable bill just because I called and warned I might switch.  Hey, maybe I should be thanking Dish.  Not going to, though.

Peyton Manning sure has a lot of time on his hands- not to mention a lot of space for more rings.

"Does Peyton ever talk?" Yes, he is talking all the time.  He kind of has to talk, considering that he's the star of roughly 80% of all commercials running during NFL games.

The better question is "Does Peyton ever do anything else?"  And the answer is, "yes, he sure does.  Very often he likes to take a break from starring in commercials to kick back, relax, and watch Tom Brady win another Superbowl Ring."

Which leads us to one more question: "Who is Tom Brady?"  And the answer is "he's the quarterback of the New England Patriots.  You might not know much about him because he doesn't star in a lot of commercials- he leaves that to guys like Peyton Manning, and Aaron Rodgers, and other quarterbacks who don't regularly win Superbowls.  If you want to see Brady playing a starring role on your TV, you have to wait until February.  Then you'll recognize him- he's the guy holding that big trophy."

"Peyton Manning?  He's the guy shilling for pizza when the network cuts away from Brady holding that big trophy."

Another "Old People And Their Silly Problems Sure Are Silly" Commercial

aaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha....

(pause, deep breath)

AAAAAAAhahahahahahahahahhaaha!!

Full Disclosure;  My dad uses a cane.  Well, sort of- actually, he OWNS a cane which he would use more often, if he and it were ever in the same place at the same time.  But that's rarely the case- usually the cane is in the car while he's in the living room, or it's hanging on a chair in the kitchen while he's in the computer room on the other side of the house.  Sometimes it's on the tractor.  Sometimes it's hanging on a shopping cart at the store he visited earlier that day.

And his cane isn't small.  It's a full cane, which means it's more than just a handle.  So though it's always getting lost, it's also always being found.  I love the "fits easily in the glove compartment" line-- yes, of course it does.  Doesn't mean it's ever actually going to be put there.  Much more likely it's going to end up on the floor, where Gimpy Gus can't find it or reach it.

"Mom, why aren't you using that Amazing Not-Cane I got you?"  "Oh, I don't know where it is.  It's somewhere.  Maybe you could look for it if you get a chance, but it's no hurry, really."

If it was just a handle, I think it would be used once and then never seen again.  If you buy this thing for the old person in your life, better buy about a hundred of them- or put one of those tile things on it so you can use your phone to find it every fifteen minutes or so.  And I do mean YOUR phone, because your parents aren't using SmartPhones and have no idea what Apps are.

Of course, I'm being optimistic when I predict that the Amazing Cane Handle will just get lost all the time.  It's more likely it will used again and again and again, each time doing terrific damage to your parent's car as it's left in the door while it's being slammed-- again and again and again. Accompanied by loud curses.  Every single time.

BTW, if you can stand on the cane while it's attached to your car, why on Earth do you need to use one?  Seems to me that's pretty darned agile.  I don't get it.