Stalker preseason training, brought to you by Fitbit

Remember those Powerbar commercials featuring athletes telling us "this is how I get ready for the preseason?"  I think they still pop up now and then but I recall the 1990s versions when I see this ad for Fitbit.

As near as I can tell, this hairy, out-of-shape slob would really like to nail that hot and fit girl who seductively jogs past his apartment every day (probably doesn't even realize what a floozy she's being, the evil, balanced diet-consuming, steady heartbeat-maintaining little temptress!)  The trouble is, he can't catch her because- well, you know- Cheetos, beer and weekends in front of the computer playing fantasy football, weekdays sitting in a cubicle texting.

So hairy creep dedicates himself to getting into shape so he can catch up to the hot athletic girl he isn't currently good enough for and-- um, well, I'm not sure.  He's not wearing a garbage bag with holes cut out of it, so I don't think he's going to be asked to engage in a dance competition.   I don't know what his endgame is, because even when manages to (briefly) catch up to her, he doesn't take the opportunity to introduce himself or start a conversation (of course, that could be because his lungs are lodged in the lower part of his throat and speech simply isn't possible without a whole lot of unattractive weezing.)

Cute jogging girl responds by attempting to kill him by climbing what I think is a rather famous set of steps in San Francisco that lead to Coit Tower (they look familiar?)  Her message seems to be

A.  I really don't like you.  Leave me alone.
B.  Want me?  You're going to have to work even harder.  or
C.  I know how to get rid of you.  I'll make you run up these steps until your heart finally explodes.

In any case, this is kind of a creepy ad.  I've never met a woman who would find it at all charming to have a total stranger repeatedly attempt to join her in her daily run.  It strikes me as intrusive and weird and not even something I would do- though I must say, this girl definitely looks like she's worth a little effort.  Just not this guy's version of effort.

Come to think of it, there's simply no way that this girl doesn't already have a boyfriend (or a girlfriend) - one who actually knows her name and shares her interests.  I mean, she's cute and young and athletic.  Girls like that don't need to count on meeting random strangers who can keep up with them on their daily runs.  This guy acts like she's spraying pheromones.

And one more thing- "follow your heart?"  It's not this guy's heart that is forcing him to follow this girl.  You have to look a little lower to find the driving force behind this guy's newly-discovered interest in fitness.

It's not a Phone, it's a Attention Vampire and a drug you're clearly addicted to

(Wasted Moments of Life Not Refundable.)

I wonder how many idiots who think that this commercial is LOL AMAZING ever stop to think that there's a real universe out there with real bugs and caterpillars that turn into butterflies, and that these amazing things don't just exist on overpriced toys you can carry around with you like a techno-addicted jackass.

My guess is that there are plenty of people out there who think that "High-Definition" is only accomplished by using expensive screens and is not available using....um...human eyes.  And have no idea that there's a great big beautiful world out there to be seen with those very same eyes if they'd only pry them away from their stupid phones every once in a while.

Oh, but please, life-wasting losers:  Get your fellow iPhone dweeb loser "friends" together and make your own version of this ad.  Take an afternoon for it.  You weren't going to be doing anything with that time, anyway.  Just do me a favor, ok?  Take a break from your Amazing Creativity when you are operating a motor vehicle. Just watch the damned road.  Sure, we'll all suffer a bit waiting for your wonderful contribution to the world of Image Sharing, but it will be worth it to get home in one piece.

DraftKings Presents: The First Day of the Rest of your Life

The only fantasy this guy should be having is finding himself a life and an actual reason to get up in the morning.  Because fantasy football as your guiding force and reason for being?  Calling that "sad" would be an insult to the word "sad."  Hell, I don't even think "pathetic" would suffice.

How does DraftKings work?  Well, it's gambling, pure and simple, so let's just skip to "how does organized gambling work?"  Pretty basic:  A large population risks money.  A very tiny sliver of that large population collects money for their risk.  A much, MUCH larger portion loses money (and some percentage of that large portion goes on to risk more money, lose again, develop an addiction, and end up with really big problems involving friends, family, and creditors.)  The very tiny sliver of winners are given a ton of attention.  The very  large population of losers are given no attention at all- in fact, as far as advertising agencies working for companies like DraftKings (and State Lotteries, which are the biggest scumbags of all in my humble opinion) are concerned, they simply don't exist.  Everyone's A Winner, except of course for the 99.9% who aren't.

(There's another one of these ads in which a guy calls winning at DraftKings "the greatest adrenelin rush there is."  Which makes him the SADDEST HUMAN BEING EVER.  Seriously, GET A DATE YOU IDIOT!)

Someone wake up Webster.  He's got to come up with a new word for this level of meaninglessness.

I've got your translation, Luvs!

"Second kid:  You're tired of caring.  Whatever allows you to get out of the house will do."

"Third kid:  A bowl of kibble and another bowl of water on the kitchen floor works.  If you've planned them out right, the First kid can babysit."

Luv's "the more kids you have, the less you really give a damn" ad campaign makes me happy.  I don't know why.  Not even the Typical TV Land Gleaming White House That Guy Who Gets You Pregnant Every Few Years But Is Oddly Never Around Bought You With bothers me this time.

This McDonalds Ad's Lost Dialogue

"What's this?  Oh, how nice- a greasy, cold sandwich you picked up at the McDonalds drive-thru twenty minutes ago.  Aren't you all that and a bag of chips.  Gosh, what did I do to deserve an awesome guy like you?"

"I mean, I could have made a bad choice and married someone who made enough money so I wouldn't have to work 8-hour shifts at a freaking toll booth, breathing in carbon monoxide all day, grateful to be handed a soggy sandwich straight off the dollar menu at McDonalds.  Wouldn't that have been awful- to live in a nice house like those people in all the commercials who actually have time to eat breakfast at home instead of in an f---ing booth where they are being handed money from germy idiots who still haven't figured out what EZPASS stands for!"

"And oh, thanks for saving paper by not picking me up a napkin- there's plenty of running water in this walk-in closet I spend every day in.  And speaking of water, what am I supposed to wash this salty crap down with?  What, a $1 cup of coffee not in the budget, Mr. I'll Provide For You I Promise?"

"BTW, you didn't have to take 'For Better or For Worse' literally.  I sure didn't.  First guy who offers me something more appetizing than this sandwich, I'm jumping in his car and never looking back.  'See you at home?'  Maybe.  But don't be so damned sure, Mr. Born Romantic Big Spender."

Wait 'til they note the spike in Brie prices at Whole Foods!

Dear Verizon,

This commercial would be slightly more believable if I could buy the idea that anyone in it really gave a damn if their cable bill went up by $20 or $50 or even $100 per month.  I mean, maybe if you showed me people living in an apartment, or a trailer, or even in an f---ing modest home and not a surburban palace (one of these guys is hosting an f--ing POOL PARTY when he gets "blindsided" by a bill increase, for crying out loud!  These people are concerned about cable bills?  Yeah, I'm so sure.)

On the other hand, I'd like to thank you for not being the company that continues to harrass me with DISH IS HOW YOU DO IT ear-bleeding crud ads.  It's not much, but I really do want to make a point of mentioning that you had nothing to do with that.

One more thing- I'd also like to thank you for feeling so threatened by DISH IS HOW YOU DO IT that you gave me a nice discount on MY cable bill just because I called and warned I might switch.  Hey, maybe I should be thanking Dish.  Not going to, though.

Peyton Manning sure has a lot of time on his hands- not to mention a lot of space for more rings.

"Does Peyton ever talk?" Yes, he is talking all the time.  He kind of has to talk, considering that he's the star of roughly 80% of all commercials running during NFL games.

The better question is "Does Peyton ever do anything else?"  And the answer is, "yes, he sure does.  Very often he likes to take a break from starring in commercials to kick back, relax, and watch Tom Brady win another Superbowl Ring."

Which leads us to one more question: "Who is Tom Brady?"  And the answer is "he's the quarterback of the New England Patriots.  You might not know much about him because he doesn't star in a lot of commercials- he leaves that to guys like Peyton Manning, and Aaron Rodgers, and other quarterbacks who don't regularly win Superbowls.  If you want to see Brady playing a starring role on your TV, you have to wait until February.  Then you'll recognize him- he's the guy holding that big trophy."

"Peyton Manning?  He's the guy shilling for pizza when the network cuts away from Brady holding that big trophy."