Mazda's Celebration of the Mid-Life Crisis

Ugh, where to start?

First, this guy's incredibly cliche'd life (seriously, "cliche'd" doesn't really cut it.  There should be another word that's stronger than that, but I don't know what it is of if it even exists.  If it doesn't, someone needs to invent it...)

 Because good freaking lord, according to the scriptwriters this guy dotted every "i," crossed every "t," and did absolutely everything exactly the way he was supposed to do it in exactly the order he was supposed to do it.  His first car was a hot red Mazda convertable (uh huh.)  He rocked with his band.  He got serious, got married, settled down, had 1.5 children, moved to the suburbs, bought a house with a big mortgage.  (Not Shown:  his soul actually dying.)

And then, the day after he noticed his hair was thining and he had these wrinkles appearing around his eyes and he was getting up twice a night to use the bathroom, he went out and bought himself- a flashy red Mazda.  Groan.

(Not Shown- though I really wish it was:  Mazda guy cheating with the babysitter, handing half his income to his wife in the settlement, and wrapping his new Douchemobile around a tree a few days later.  I mean, might as well complete the cliche', right?)

When you're an admaker for Geico, you make crappy commercials. It's what you do.

What the people who made this awful lump of obnoxious dumb know about little kids can fit comfortably into any sitcom.  In fact, what they know about little boys in general is clearly derived from watching way too many sitcoms.  It's the only explanation for their depiction of a "young forever" Peter Pan character as a crude, rude, boorish little creep played for laughs.

Oh yeah- and another thing that you do if you make commercials for Geico- you make commercials that have nothing to do with car insurance.  When was the last time you saw one which featured a car?

AT&T girl does it without a net OR a calculator

1.  "You can get 15 gigs of data for the price of 10 so that's fifty percent more data."  Wow, thank you cute AT&T girl- gee, you'd think that a woman who obviously has a PhD in math would be able to land a better job than saleschoad at a cell phone store.   I guess I should thank you for not tearing a pretzel in half in this ad.

2.  This guy couldn't just tell cute AT&T girl that he wanted more data- he had to invent the "need" for more data for his son.  And I have no idea why.  When was the last time anyone looked down on someone who claimed to "need" more data?  I thought we were all supposed to be chasing as much data as possible.   This guy sounds almost ashamed.

3.  This guy's wife has the same "yep, this is what I married and gave my life to" look on her face as every other woman in every other commercial.  I don't blame any of them, but it is kind of odd that commercial writers always feel the need to acknowledge that they are depicting guys as morons by also showing their spouses as defeated, deflated and resigned to the situation they got themselves into.

4.  One more thing about this guy- I can't get be assured of a date on any given Saturday night, but this guy found someone willing to have his child?  What the hell is the matter with you, Society???

LegalZoom- yeah, I'd totally trust these guys with legal matters. Totally.

1.  There has never in the history of television been a persuasive commercial which features half a dozen people saying something that could be said by one person.  I really don't care to be greeted with "hi" from a series of total strangers.  Just get to the f--ing point already.

2,  I know what a robot is.  Don't need you to demonstrate it to me.  Having insulted me once with all the stupid "hi's," you are doubling down with this crap.  Don't know you.  Don't care about you.  Don't want you to show me what you think a robot is.

3.  I guess this is what you do when you have nothing to sell, because I sure didn't hear much of anything about the product, and I don't remember anything about the commercial except that it irritated me.  Great job, LegalZoom.

More of GE's Condescending Crap

Quick Quiz:  What is the most repulsive aspect to this latest chapter in the "GE:  We Hire Geeks And Are Not Particularly Proud Of It" ad campaign?

A.  The grizzled coal miner just-back-from-beers-at-the-Union-Hall sitting on the couch waxing poetic about grampa and his Beloved Hammer (because who doesn't treasure the blunt instrument one uses to perform an unskilled labor job until crippled by a hernia or a cave-in?)  He's pretty awful if only for the reason that he seems to be dissapointed that his greasy geek son is achieving what I thought was the American Dream- to have your kids do better than you do.

Or

B.  The greasy, overly styled Eurotrash creep son who has to look as if he'd shatter if he tripped and fell on the sidewalk and who, like his compatriots in the other GE commercials, acts as if he's completely incapable of explaining to us non-engineer lessers exactly what he's going to be doing and why it's so much more productive and Better than what grampa did with that hammer?

Hint:  There's no Wrong Answer.

GE doesn't stand for "Good Enough," I guess.

I'm a history teacher- one of several at my school.  If I were this guy, I'd be telling my friends and family that I teach every class at my school while simultaneously running the payroll department and handling all parent-teacher relationships as well as handling all repairs.  Seriously, this jackass is so miserable at the prospect of working for GE that he has to try to convince his loser friends and family that he's basically going to be responsible for the running of the entire freaking company?  What kind of insecurity is being exhibited here?

On the other hand, if he is proud of the job he actually got and not the one he's fantasizing/lying about, why does he give a fat rat's ass what his slacker loser family and friends think?  "Hey, I'm working for GE- which means I can expect to bring home a decent paycheck every two weeks.  When you slack-jawed yokels can keep the lights on without hitting the Money Store for a payday loan and stop getting all your furniture from Rent-A-Center, you can snark on my job.  Until then, kiss my ass and check out my new car."

I get the feeling that these drooling white trash idiots save their admiration for the brother-in-law who just got promoted to Assistant Manager at PapaJohns and gets to bring the leftovers home after working the 6PM- 2AM shift.  It's pizza for breakfast every other day at his place, freakin' awesome man!

Works until you realize he bought a KIA.

I'm sorry, but I really don't get this ad at all.  A son tells his father that he quit his job and then sold all his stuff so he could buy a car and drive across the country.  I do understand that the punchline is the father totally understanding, wishing he had been so juvenile and irresponsible, and goes along for the ride (which I'm pretty sure wasn't part of the son's plan.  Though judging from the look on this idiot's face as dad slurps at his Big Gulp, maybe I'm wrong- maybe Dad and his wallet were a very, very important part of his plan all along.)

That's all there is, right?

Well, if that's the case, shouldn't the tagline of this commercial be "KIA- It's the car Idiots With No Sense Drive?"  Or how about "KIA- When you're an aimless moron with a rich dad to fall back on?"

If I were the dad, the first question I'd ask is "um, why a KIA?"  The second I'd ask is "why are you telling me this?  Judging by the facial hair, you seem to be an adult. As long as you aren't asking me to finance your extremely early midlife crisis, why tell me?"

"And by the way, if you ARE asking me to finance this, you know where the door is.  I'll wrap up this sandwich and you can eat it on the road."