I don't get this Esurance Ad

This troll is the ugliest creature I have ever seen on television- and I used to watch Star Trek.  He's not capable of being humilated.

And this woman not only is with this troll, but she had sexual relations with him.  So she's not capable of being humilitated either.

What am I missing here?

Or maybe Siri and Nissan just lost something in translation?

1.  "She said yes, you're the Best Man."  Um, did I miss something?  Back when I got married, it was customary for the GROOM to choose his own Best Man.  Who is the "she" who is informing this guy that he's the Best Man?

2.  "She said yes, you're the Best Man."  That's just odd phrasing- since this is 2015 and all contact no matter how personal or intimate is made through electronics these days,  I could almost believe that this guy asked someone to marry him and she responded with a unique way of saying no - by telling him that Yes, he's going to be an important part of her wedding, but it's going to be as Best Man.  It just came off as really weird, because....

3.  The look on his face suggests that this guy actually hoped the answer would be Yes.  He puts on that ugly, douchey little smirk and convinces himself "I've got this."  First, what guy wants to be Best Man?  Second, it's not like being a Bridesmaid.  The Best Man has precious little to do in comparison.  All the "this" we see this guy "has" is the ability to pick up the bride and groom on schedule and drive them somewhere.  Wow, thank goodness you've got that car, Eurotrash jagoff.*

4.  "You're the Man."  Um, ok.  Whatever.  I don't get that at all, but I suppose something thinks that's a good way to wrap up this ad.  He got a message that he's going to be Best Man, and he picked the couple up outside the church.  You're the Man, all right.  I suspect you're fortunate it doesn't take more than this.

*Am I the only person out there who wants to smash this guy's face in with a pickax?

I get you, lady. You are a techno-addled idiot with no taste in pizza

As near as I can tell, this stupid woman who I guess is famous for something and I'm supposed to know what it is just sent "pizza emojis" (god I hate this century so much) to everyone she knew until finally she sent one to Dominos, which responded by sending her a cruddy pizza, which I guess is what she wanted in the first place.

It would probably amaze her and other people to know that pizza delivery predates the internet and cellphones- that's right, boys and girls, even before the late-90s it was possible to get pizza delivered to your home.  You just used a phone with a cord attached to the wall and called the restaurant and what do you know, between thirty and sixty minutes later it showed up at your house (just like today, but more about that in a moment.)

The use of emojis to order pizza is just another way of streamlining the thinking process and making it less likely that you'll reconsider your investment of $20 on a pile of bland white bread, cheese and sugary sauce.  Making it easier to order means making it easier to make a dumb mistake- which means, ordering this crap.  Dominos has clearly figured out that the longer it takes to order one of it's bottom-of-the-barrel pizzas, the more likely the potential customer is to remember she's got leftovers in the fridge, or is already twenty pounds overweight, or ran out of money near the end of the previous month and doesn't want to make a habit of that.

But back to the whole point, click and buy concept being sold to us here-- anyone else notice that in the last ten years, all of the "improvements" involved in pizza delivery services revolve around how we order pizzas and pay for them?  Meanwhile, I've seen no improvements in how they taste or how long it takes for them to get to our door.  I suspect that in ten years, these couch pumpkins will be able to just THINK about a pizza and it will be delivered- in 30 to 60 minutes.  And it will taste like cardboard covered in ketchup.  Just like today.

Mazda's Celebration of the Mid-Life Crisis

Ugh, where to start?

First, this guy's incredibly cliche'd life (seriously, "cliche'd" doesn't really cut it.  There should be another word that's stronger than that, but I don't know what it is of if it even exists.  If it doesn't, someone needs to invent it...)

 Because good freaking lord, according to the scriptwriters this guy dotted every "i," crossed every "t," and did absolutely everything exactly the way he was supposed to do it in exactly the order he was supposed to do it.  His first car was a hot red Mazda convertable (uh huh.)  He rocked with his band.  He got serious, got married, settled down, had 1.5 children, moved to the suburbs, bought a house with a big mortgage.  (Not Shown:  his soul actually dying.)

And then, the day after he noticed his hair was thining and he had these wrinkles appearing around his eyes and he was getting up twice a night to use the bathroom, he went out and bought himself- a flashy red Mazda.  Groan.

(Not Shown- though I really wish it was:  Mazda guy cheating with the babysitter, handing half his income to his wife in the settlement, and wrapping his new Douchemobile around a tree a few days later.  I mean, might as well complete the cliche', right?)

When you're an admaker for Geico, you make crappy commercials. It's what you do.

What the people who made this awful lump of obnoxious dumb know about little kids can fit comfortably into any sitcom.  In fact, what they know about little boys in general is clearly derived from watching way too many sitcoms.  It's the only explanation for their depiction of a "young forever" Peter Pan character as a crude, rude, boorish little creep played for laughs.

Oh yeah- and another thing that you do if you make commercials for Geico- you make commercials that have nothing to do with car insurance.  When was the last time you saw one which featured a car?

AT&T girl does it without a net OR a calculator

1.  "You can get 15 gigs of data for the price of 10 so that's fifty percent more data."  Wow, thank you cute AT&T girl- gee, you'd think that a woman who obviously has a PhD in math would be able to land a better job than saleschoad at a cell phone store.   I guess I should thank you for not tearing a pretzel in half in this ad.

2.  This guy couldn't just tell cute AT&T girl that he wanted more data- he had to invent the "need" for more data for his son.  And I have no idea why.  When was the last time anyone looked down on someone who claimed to "need" more data?  I thought we were all supposed to be chasing as much data as possible.   This guy sounds almost ashamed.

3.  This guy's wife has the same "yep, this is what I married and gave my life to" look on her face as every other woman in every other commercial.  I don't blame any of them, but it is kind of odd that commercial writers always feel the need to acknowledge that they are depicting guys as morons by also showing their spouses as defeated, deflated and resigned to the situation they got themselves into.

4.  One more thing about this guy- I can't get be assured of a date on any given Saturday night, but this guy found someone willing to have his child?  What the hell is the matter with you, Society???

LegalZoom- yeah, I'd totally trust these guys with legal matters. Totally.

1.  There has never in the history of television been a persuasive commercial which features half a dozen people saying something that could be said by one person.  I really don't care to be greeted with "hi" from a series of total strangers.  Just get to the f--ing point already.

2,  I know what a robot is.  Don't need you to demonstrate it to me.  Having insulted me once with all the stupid "hi's," you are doubling down with this crap.  Don't know you.  Don't care about you.  Don't want you to show me what you think a robot is.

3.  I guess this is what you do when you have nothing to sell, because I sure didn't hear much of anything about the product, and I don't remember anything about the commercial except that it irritated me.  Great job, LegalZoom.