The only thing "surprising" in this Nissan commercial is that no one died during it

Upon the fourth or fifth viewing of this ubiquitous junk, I figured out that what the guy wasn't supposed to be "expecting" was that he and this girl were actually going to be watching the game at the stadium down the street, and not at Buffalo Wild Wings, Hooter's or anywhere else he might have seen as more plausible.  Exactly why watching the game live is such a surprise, considering (as I've mentioned) the stadium is apparently just a few blocks away from where this guy lives (and only a few seconds when you're traveling with an idiot who is perfectly comfortable driving seventy miles per hour down urban streets while applying eyeblack) continues to escape me.

It's still a better explanation than my original take- that this guy didn't expect her to be able to spew generic bs anyone spending thirty seconds listening to sports talk rado could have picked up in their sleep.  Nothing she says is especially impressive, even when you consider that she's saying it while driving at least twice the speed limit over potholes (and, probably, lots of small animals and people) as she drives to the neighborhood National Football League stadium across town.  (Seriously- why is this guy so surprised again?)

Walmart demonstrates what can be done when you have zero shame

In this ad, Walmart tries to convince us it gives a damn about America's Veterans with soft music, "inspiring" images of a veteran out for a run, and a suggestion that we all show our apprecation for the men and women who put their bodies on the line by-- purchasing and using a green light conveniently available at Walmart.

Meanwhile the Walton family heirs deny decent salaries to their hundreds of thousands of employees (but do thoughtfully provide the paperwork to help them apply for food stamps, which they'll need if they want to survive on their Walmart paychecks) so they can continue to make more money every day than I'll make in ten years.  Meanwhile this same family happily hires the mentally ill and the elderly at sweatshop wages and fills their stores with Made-in-China crap so they can make Made In America a memory and add a few more billion to the pile they can't even begin to chip away at.  Meanwhile these blood-sucking ghouls feed off of the modern version of slavery operating in Asian and Middle Eastern factories to keep the shelves stocked, and the home-grown version called "minimum wage" (all you have to do is get three or four friends together and you can all rent a one-bedroom apartment.)

The idea that the Waltons give a flying damn about America's veterans- many of whom are among the cashiers, stockboys, greeters, and cleaning crews working their lives away for crap money so this family can buy one more yacht and take a little more time off from the vacation that is their lives- would be funny if it weren't so damned sad.  These vultures had plastic American flags for our cars at Buy One, Get One Free the weekend after September 11 and was the Go-To place for Support Our Troops bumper stickers and t-shirts five minutes after we invaded Iraq.  Now they hope we'll come in for green lights- and stay to stock up on jeans, cheap sneakers and beer.  A green light?  That and a decent job will help a veteran pay his bills.

As we walk out, they hope we'll tip our hat to the veteran who checks our receipt.  We can thank him for our Freedom, after all.

FitBit- because you need to have it hammered into your skull, apparently

Wow, I'm sure glad this is one of those double-down ads, which just replays itself to turn a commercial already annoyingly and unnecessarily long at 30 seconds an absolute ordeal at a minute flat.  Maybe the idea is to force us to turn off the tv and go outside?

I don't get this Esurance Ad

This troll is the ugliest creature I have ever seen on television- and I used to watch Star Trek.  He's not capable of being humilated.

And this woman not only is with this troll, but she had sexual relations with him.  So she's not capable of being humilitated either.

What am I missing here?

Or maybe Siri and Nissan just lost something in translation?

1.  "She said yes, you're the Best Man."  Um, did I miss something?  Back when I got married, it was customary for the GROOM to choose his own Best Man.  Who is the "she" who is informing this guy that he's the Best Man?

2.  "She said yes, you're the Best Man."  That's just odd phrasing- since this is 2015 and all contact no matter how personal or intimate is made through electronics these days,  I could almost believe that this guy asked someone to marry him and she responded with a unique way of saying no - by telling him that Yes, he's going to be an important part of her wedding, but it's going to be as Best Man.  It just came off as really weird, because....

3.  The look on his face suggests that this guy actually hoped the answer would be Yes.  He puts on that ugly, douchey little smirk and convinces himself "I've got this."  First, what guy wants to be Best Man?  Second, it's not like being a Bridesmaid.  The Best Man has precious little to do in comparison.  All the "this" we see this guy "has" is the ability to pick up the bride and groom on schedule and drive them somewhere.  Wow, thank goodness you've got that car, Eurotrash jagoff.*

4.  "You're the Man."  Um, ok.  Whatever.  I don't get that at all, but I suppose something thinks that's a good way to wrap up this ad.  He got a message that he's going to be Best Man, and he picked the couple up outside the church.  You're the Man, all right.  I suspect you're fortunate it doesn't take more than this.

*Am I the only person out there who wants to smash this guy's face in with a pickax?

I get you, lady. You are a techno-addled idiot with no taste in pizza

As near as I can tell, this stupid woman who I guess is famous for something and I'm supposed to know what it is just sent "pizza emojis" (god I hate this century so much) to everyone she knew until finally she sent one to Dominos, which responded by sending her a cruddy pizza, which I guess is what she wanted in the first place.

It would probably amaze her and other people to know that pizza delivery predates the internet and cellphones- that's right, boys and girls, even before the late-90s it was possible to get pizza delivered to your home.  You just used a phone with a cord attached to the wall and called the restaurant and what do you know, between thirty and sixty minutes later it showed up at your house (just like today, but more about that in a moment.)

The use of emojis to order pizza is just another way of streamlining the thinking process and making it less likely that you'll reconsider your investment of $20 on a pile of bland white bread, cheese and sugary sauce.  Making it easier to order means making it easier to make a dumb mistake- which means, ordering this crap.  Dominos has clearly figured out that the longer it takes to order one of it's bottom-of-the-barrel pizzas, the more likely the potential customer is to remember she's got leftovers in the fridge, or is already twenty pounds overweight, or ran out of money near the end of the previous month and doesn't want to make a habit of that.

But back to the whole point, click and buy concept being sold to us here-- anyone else notice that in the last ten years, all of the "improvements" involved in pizza delivery services revolve around how we order pizzas and pay for them?  Meanwhile, I've seen no improvements in how they taste or how long it takes for them to get to our door.  I suspect that in ten years, these couch pumpkins will be able to just THINK about a pizza and it will be delivered- in 30 to 60 minutes.  And it will taste like cardboard covered in ketchup.  Just like today.

Mazda's Celebration of the Mid-Life Crisis

Ugh, where to start?

First, this guy's incredibly cliche'd life (seriously, "cliche'd" doesn't really cut it.  There should be another word that's stronger than that, but I don't know what it is of if it even exists.  If it doesn't, someone needs to invent it...)

 Because good freaking lord, according to the scriptwriters this guy dotted every "i," crossed every "t," and did absolutely everything exactly the way he was supposed to do it in exactly the order he was supposed to do it.  His first car was a hot red Mazda convertable (uh huh.)  He rocked with his band.  He got serious, got married, settled down, had 1.5 children, moved to the suburbs, bought a house with a big mortgage.  (Not Shown:  his soul actually dying.)

And then, the day after he noticed his hair was thining and he had these wrinkles appearing around his eyes and he was getting up twice a night to use the bathroom, he went out and bought himself- a flashy red Mazda.  Groan.

(Not Shown- though I really wish it was:  Mazda guy cheating with the babysitter, handing half his income to his wife in the settlement, and wrapping his new Douchemobile around a tree a few days later.  I mean, might as well complete the cliche', right?)