Dear Mr. Thomson: This isn't helping

Do I really have to explain why this shucking and jiving act shouldn't have any place on television in 2015?

I mean, is that necessary?  Is this necessary?  Does it really sell movie tickets?  Even if it did, is it really worth it?

National's Actors Welfare Program is getting on my nerves

When this actor realizes that his acting career has been reduced to playing a character he portrayed on a sitcom which has been off the air for 20 years in 30-second bits in order to pimp for a rental car company, I suggest he be kept away from sharp objects and be lovingly guided to therapy.

In the meantime, why on Earth would any of this convince us to use this particular rental car company?  "Putty' didn't work for a rental car company on Seinfeld.  He was a mechanic (and later, for one entire episode, a car salesman.)  He was also an idiot.  So why are turning to him for advice on which car rental company to use?

Come to think of it- considering the arc of this guy's career, why does he need to rent cars anyway?

Thing is, there is no "In Between" Anymore

Unless it's to make us hate every single person who appears on the screen over the course of this twenty seconds of Obnoxious, I don't get the point of this ad at all.  I mean, it can't mean "this is the phone you want to have to share the moments in between the moments you are already sharing," can it?

Can It?

I know it's early, but can we as a civilization consider this for a New Year's Resolution:  To make 2016 the year we admit that 99 percent of our lives are really not worth "sharing," and to just cut back on the g-d-- sharing until we have something that qualifies as valuable?  Because this.....this is just wrong.  Man, I can remember thinking that everyone having blogs was Over-The-Top in the self-important department.  When you are recording yourself sipping from a water fountain or just walking....geeeessssh....man, what went wrong in YOUR life?

Axa* Commercial, Translated

"Here at Axa, we think that offensively condescending commercials are the way to draw upper-middle class couples away from Voya, Morgan Stanley, and all the other brokers.  Plus, those guys have already done ads with idiots stretching ribbons and carrying around their fantasy retirement income numbers, so this is pretty much what's left."

"In an interesting twist, we are going to throw in a ridiculous line about how investing money instead of spending it can be an 'enjoyable' experience."

*Axa?  Hmmm.  So not only were all the plausible ad ideas already taken, so were all the decent brokerage firm names?

The only thing "surprising" in this Nissan commercial is that no one died during it

Upon the fourth or fifth viewing of this ubiquitous junk, I figured out that what the guy wasn't supposed to be "expecting" was that he and this girl were actually going to be watching the game at the stadium down the street, and not at Buffalo Wild Wings, Hooter's or anywhere else he might have seen as more plausible.  Exactly why watching the game live is such a surprise, considering (as I've mentioned) the stadium is apparently just a few blocks away from where this guy lives (and only a few seconds when you're traveling with an idiot who is perfectly comfortable driving seventy miles per hour down urban streets while applying eyeblack) continues to escape me.

It's still a better explanation than my original take- that this guy didn't expect her to be able to spew generic bs anyone spending thirty seconds listening to sports talk rado could have picked up in their sleep.  Nothing she says is especially impressive, even when you consider that she's saying it while driving at least twice the speed limit over potholes (and, probably, lots of small animals and people) as she drives to the neighborhood National Football League stadium across town.  (Seriously- why is this guy so surprised again?)

Walmart demonstrates what can be done when you have zero shame

In this ad, Walmart tries to convince us it gives a damn about America's Veterans with soft music, "inspiring" images of a veteran out for a run, and a suggestion that we all show our apprecation for the men and women who put their bodies on the line by-- purchasing and using a green light conveniently available at Walmart.

Meanwhile the Walton family heirs deny decent salaries to their hundreds of thousands of employees (but do thoughtfully provide the paperwork to help them apply for food stamps, which they'll need if they want to survive on their Walmart paychecks) so they can continue to make more money every day than I'll make in ten years.  Meanwhile this same family happily hires the mentally ill and the elderly at sweatshop wages and fills their stores with Made-in-China crap so they can make Made In America a memory and add a few more billion to the pile they can't even begin to chip away at.  Meanwhile these blood-sucking ghouls feed off of the modern version of slavery operating in Asian and Middle Eastern factories to keep the shelves stocked, and the home-grown version called "minimum wage" (all you have to do is get three or four friends together and you can all rent a one-bedroom apartment.)

The idea that the Waltons give a flying damn about America's veterans- many of whom are among the cashiers, stockboys, greeters, and cleaning crews working their lives away for crap money so this family can buy one more yacht and take a little more time off from the vacation that is their lives- would be funny if it weren't so damned sad.  These vultures had plastic American flags for our cars at Buy One, Get One Free the weekend after September 11 and was the Go-To place for Support Our Troops bumper stickers and t-shirts five minutes after we invaded Iraq.  Now they hope we'll come in for green lights- and stay to stock up on jeans, cheap sneakers and beer.  A green light?  That and a decent job will help a veteran pay his bills.

As we walk out, they hope we'll tip our hat to the veteran who checks our receipt.  We can thank him for our Freedom, after all.

FitBit- because you need to have it hammered into your skull, apparently

Wow, I'm sure glad this is one of those double-down ads, which just replays itself to turn a commercial already annoyingly and unnecessarily long at 30 seconds an absolute ordeal at a minute flat.  Maybe the idea is to force us to turn off the tv and go outside?