The most painfully awful commercial of 2015

1.  The "song."  Oh. My. God.  If I had children, I'd be horrified that they'd pick this up and adopt it as their own personal National Anthem.

2.  The message- that children this age naturally have cell phones already (really?) and that they need cuddly little toys to hold them while they sleep (which is the only time they'll need a cell phone holder, because every waking hour is going to be spent actually holding the phone in your own hand, right?)  So the people in this ad are the kind of weird toddler/teenager hybrid that cell phone companies have successfully created by marketing their wares as essential equipment for everyone.   In 20 years, these things have gone from being luxuries to body parts which might as well be grafted to the hand.

3.  The indoctrination.  Give your six-year old a cell phone, and he or she will be consulting it for every answer you went to your parents and actual friends for.  Yes, your kid will be constantly entertained and maybe even educated- but not by you.  He or she will learn to find knowledge, fun and comfort from a glowing screen- a lesson that will be so ingrained by the time he or she is a teenager that- well, they'll fit right in, won't they?

Kay Jewelers: When you want to rub her mistake in her face....

Oh yes, this is a really good idea, but be careful of your timing, buddy--

"Hey, honey- thank you for setting aside the fact that I'm a little boy in a man's body because you just really really wanted the MRS degree and the house and the fence and the kids and the SUV and the rest of the package.  Now that you've completely settled and you are more or less trapped in this situation, here's a reminder that your husband is still that immature little boy- check out this totally awesome charm bracelet which 'celebrates' a series of movies I correctly adored when I was a kid (if I'm roughly 50) or inexplicably appreciated when I was a kid (if I'm roughly 30.)"

"Before you point out that no one with even a modicum of taste would wear this crap, and that there are roughly 4 million other pieces of jewelry you would rather have received than this stupid, gawdy crud, please remind yourself about the MRS degree, the house, the fence, the kids and the SUV again.  I'll be in my Man Cave watching the ESPN Fantasy Football Report, or maybe playing World of Warcraft.  When's dinner again?"

T-Mobile's Perfect Message for the Holidays

The tagline of this ad comes about as close to "F--k Sharing!" as T-Mobile dares to get.  In another year or two, that WILL be the tagline of these ads.

Because sharing data is sooooo yesterday.  Nothing lamer than not being able to download that movie or music video because those annoying sapiens who share your house used too much data- sharing sucks!  What REALLY matters is your ability to wrap yourself into that giant, warm, electronic security cocoon with your personal data overdose and never have to do anything that involves other human beings EVER.

So this holiday season, say NO to sharing!  Next year, we'll be saying something else.  But we aren't quite there yet.  Stay Tuned!  Stay Selfish!  Down With Sharing!

This is neither an Onion sketch nor the product of SNL, believe it or not....

My favorite claim in this unintentionally hilarious commercial is that this tablet is "Holy."  Um, really?  I'm surprised that it isn't endorsed personally by The Almighty.

I also find it really hard to believe that anyone under the age of 60 would be caught dead holding one of these things.  I mean, really- a tablet approved by the Catholic Church, pre-loaded with medieval dogma and blather approved by the Council of Nicea (and links to websites approved by---um, who exactly?)  Of course, anyone over the age of 60 who is also a devout Roman Catholic probably doesn't have much use for one of these newfangled satanic internet-connected tablet doohickies anyway, so.....who is this supposed to be marketed toward?

Oh, right- crazy weirdos who can't find crosses big enough to hang from their necks and who wrap their entire lives around the big building down the street with the nice pancake breakfasts, spaghetti dinners and unmarried men who like to tell people how to walk with the ghost of a guy who may or may not have existed for 33 years 2000 years ago.

Seriously, I was dissapointed when I realized that this commercial wasn't actually a parody.  Then I realized it would make an awesome addition to my blog.  Silver Lining!

Chevrolet: Working hard at training up the next generation of zombies

Make that "training up the next generation of witless, dullard, socially isolated children who must be constantly drugged/hypnotized by electronic devices.  With the help of pathetically useless adults who for some reason had children but can't be bothered to actually communicate with them or attempt to keep them entertained so must drive around in WiFi-equipped cars and provide each of their spawn with their own glowing screens."

Somehow, the kids of my generation managed to take long distance car rides by playing word games and listening to the radio and having actual conversations with our actual parents (back then, parents weren't there just to drive the car and provide the electronics.)  Nowadays it seems that kids can't even be in the same room with those parents without those electronics for fear of a tantrum (or a conversation) breaking out.  Just imagine what these kids are going to be like when they are adults and they've been weaned on a steady diet of instant-gratification electronic junk.  I dare you.

Thanks, Chevy, for not being satisfied with not being part of the solution, but insisting on being part of the problem.  And thanks, Mom and Dad, for having me be born long before this ridiculous era.

Walmart's answer to degraded purchasing power....

..which they are largely responsible for....

"Your family expects gifts this Christmas, but you don't have very much money, Typical Republican-Voting Poor White Male Who Thinks He's Middle Class Because He Manages To Pay His Bills And Has Some Credit and a Mortgage.  Here's a way out of a predicament which is only a predicament because you can't be honest with your family about your finances and maybe teach them something about the true spirit of Christmas but simply must perpetuate the myth that Mommy and Daddy are in great financial shape by showering them with crap from Walmart (here's a quick tip: if your kids are over eight years old, they already know you do your shopping at Walmart, which means they already know they are not as well off as the neighbors down the street celebrating the fact that Santa brought them a Lexus.)

"Oh, but please, don't be honest with yourself or your kids.  Con yourselves into thinking that you are just One More Credit Card Away from engaging in a financially responsible gift-giving orgy made less ruinous by a $35 credit which vanished the moment you picked out the big-screen tv you don't need but will distract your kids from that Lexus family for at least a few hours every day."

Aaron Rodgers needs something to do while not winning Superbowls, I guess

It's almost frightening to think how many rubes there are out there who think that this commercial is at all funny.  It's predictable, it's intensely stupid, it does nothing to sell it's product, and it's just a gigantic waste of time.

If I just insulted you by calling you a vapid rube if you think this ad is funny, well, tough.  You have no taste, you have no sense of humor, and if you are a Green Bay fan, you ought to be wondering why Aaron Rodgers isn't spending a little more time with the playbook and a little less time making these asinine little nubs.

But if you persist in finding these ads entertaining, be my guest- and appreciate that Rodgers has joined  Eli and Peyton Manning in the Quarterbacks Who Would Rather Make Commercials Than Win Superbowls Club.  Tom Brady?  He's too busy to join.  Guess what he's too busy doing?