So much to hate in this Hyundai ad

1.  The look on this woman's face when she sees that her Standard Issue Idiot Husband has taken part of the white picket fence he provided to the game- again.  Seriously, if I never see that look on a woman in a tv commercial or sitcom again, it will be too soon.  Enough with the beaten-down, Oh Why Oh Why Did I Marry This Jackass You Can Almost See The Blood Dripping From My Hands martyr look already.

2.  The "Whaaaaaat?" coming from the guy and his friends- what the hell, does anyone really do that in real life?  If anyone does, can they please throw themselves into traffic right now?  What do idiots like this guy do for a living that lands them with nice houses in the suburbs, anyway?  Something that doesn't require brain cells- but what is it?

3.  The question- which of the following scenerios is more likely:

A.  Beaten-down, disgusted, bedraggled woman packs up and leaves while hubby is making an ass of himself at the game because she's sick of him making them the laughing stock of Whitebread Avenue, , or

B.  Hubby realizes at some point during the game that he's married to a nagging old shrew he would never consider actually inviting to join him at that game because hey, he wants to have fun, or

C.  Hubby is told by security that no, he can't bring an actual four-foot section of fence into a football game because, you know, security and such.  It's heavy and dangerous.  Fences shown being waved by obnoxious idiots on tv are not actually made of wood, Stupid Man, or

D.  Hubby is beaten to a pup by the five drunks sitting behind him after he blocks their view of the game for the fourth time by standing up and waving his heavy blunt instrument, or

E.  Five drunks didn't wait for him to start waving the fence, but decided to beat him to a pulp the first time he bleated "Whaaaaat?" into his phone, because man that's stupid.

Nissan continues it's sad, fruitless effort....

...to convince us that there's something fun, bold, young or hip about their Japanese Blandmobiles.

Seriously, Nissan- nobody gives a damn that you found some desperate-for-cash rap artist to throw together a jingle or an equally desperate-for-cash computer animator to throw together a few images of a fake Nissan manned by pasty-white Eurotrash morons flying through the snow or a desperate-for-cash wannabee actor to yell about how awesome your NothingMobile is.  Nobody's buying it.  Nissans are ok cars for young families and Generation X'ers who can't afford the Accords- god forbid the Audis- they'd rather own.  In other words, they aren't so much Blandmobiles or Nothingmobiles as they are Settlemobiles.

Nice try, though.  Now get the hell off my tv screen already.  800 of these per football game is MORE than enough.

Volkswagen- you have my permission to bludgeon these idiots and leave them in the snow

Commerical #1:  Yeah, I almost want to test-drive a Volkswagen so I can see the look on the salesman's face when I tell him I want to go buy a Christmas tree and strap it on the top of a car I have not yet committed to buy.  That's going to happen.

Commercial #2:  Can we please get the phrase "the twins" forever banned from commercials?  Twins are individual children. They have different names, personalities, wants, and needs.  They were born at roughly the same time, that's it.  They don't share anything other than a birthday and relatives.  Every time I hear someone utter the phrase "the twins" I want to reach out and punch them in the face- and don't even get me started on parents who dress two kids born on the same day in identical clothing.  Gross.

Both Commercials:  "Can the test drive be over now?" got old several years ago.  I've taken test drives.  The salesman always decides when it's over.  Depicting salesmen as wimpy, helpless baggage at the mercy of customers isn't amusing, and I'm sure the actual salesmen don't appreciate the lame "humor" in this at all.

"Can the test drive be over now?"  Damn right it can.  Take the keys and tell the customers that the car is heading back to the showroom, and it's not going on any more errands before it does because it's not a rental, jagoffs.  Ugh I hate this crap.

The most painfully awful commercial of 2015

1.  The "song."  Oh. My. God.  If I had children, I'd be horrified that they'd pick this up and adopt it as their own personal National Anthem.

2.  The message- that children this age naturally have cell phones already (really?) and that they need cuddly little toys to hold them while they sleep (which is the only time they'll need a cell phone holder, because every waking hour is going to be spent actually holding the phone in your own hand, right?)  So the people in this ad are the kind of weird toddler/teenager hybrid that cell phone companies have successfully created by marketing their wares as essential equipment for everyone.   In 20 years, these things have gone from being luxuries to body parts which might as well be grafted to the hand.

3.  The indoctrination.  Give your six-year old a cell phone, and he or she will be consulting it for every answer you went to your parents and actual friends for.  Yes, your kid will be constantly entertained and maybe even educated- but not by you.  He or she will learn to find knowledge, fun and comfort from a glowing screen- a lesson that will be so ingrained by the time he or she is a teenager that- well, they'll fit right in, won't they?

Kay Jewelers: When you want to rub her mistake in her face....

Oh yes, this is a really good idea, but be careful of your timing, buddy--

"Hey, honey- thank you for setting aside the fact that I'm a little boy in a man's body because you just really really wanted the MRS degree and the house and the fence and the kids and the SUV and the rest of the package.  Now that you've completely settled and you are more or less trapped in this situation, here's a reminder that your husband is still that immature little boy- check out this totally awesome charm bracelet which 'celebrates' a series of movies I correctly adored when I was a kid (if I'm roughly 50) or inexplicably appreciated when I was a kid (if I'm roughly 30.)"

"Before you point out that no one with even a modicum of taste would wear this crap, and that there are roughly 4 million other pieces of jewelry you would rather have received than this stupid, gawdy crud, please remind yourself about the MRS degree, the house, the fence, the kids and the SUV again.  I'll be in my Man Cave watching the ESPN Fantasy Football Report, or maybe playing World of Warcraft.  When's dinner again?"

T-Mobile's Perfect Message for the Holidays

The tagline of this ad comes about as close to "F--k Sharing!" as T-Mobile dares to get.  In another year or two, that WILL be the tagline of these ads.

Because sharing data is sooooo yesterday.  Nothing lamer than not being able to download that movie or music video because those annoying sapiens who share your house used too much data- sharing sucks!  What REALLY matters is your ability to wrap yourself into that giant, warm, electronic security cocoon with your personal data overdose and never have to do anything that involves other human beings EVER.

So this holiday season, say NO to sharing!  Next year, we'll be saying something else.  But we aren't quite there yet.  Stay Tuned!  Stay Selfish!  Down With Sharing!

This is neither an Onion sketch nor the product of SNL, believe it or not....

My favorite claim in this unintentionally hilarious commercial is that this tablet is "Holy."  Um, really?  I'm surprised that it isn't endorsed personally by The Almighty.

I also find it really hard to believe that anyone under the age of 60 would be caught dead holding one of these things.  I mean, really- a tablet approved by the Catholic Church, pre-loaded with medieval dogma and blather approved by the Council of Nicea (and links to websites approved by---um, who exactly?)  Of course, anyone over the age of 60 who is also a devout Roman Catholic probably doesn't have much use for one of these newfangled satanic internet-connected tablet doohickies anyway, so.....who is this supposed to be marketed toward?

Oh, right- crazy weirdos who can't find crosses big enough to hang from their necks and who wrap their entire lives around the big building down the street with the nice pancake breakfasts, spaghetti dinners and unmarried men who like to tell people how to walk with the ghost of a guy who may or may not have existed for 33 years 2000 years ago.

Seriously, I was dissapointed when I realized that this commercial wasn't actually a parody.  Then I realized it would make an awesome addition to my blog.  Silver Lining!