The happy ending to this Verizon ad

An estimated 1600 sad, techno-addled and addicted morons were crushed to death in a tragic stampede which apparently started when someone yelled out into a crowded room "look, there's a door leading to more data!"

The tragedy comes on the heels of the Great Hey I Wasn't Finished Recharging My Phone At the Airport Recharging Station Asshole massacre of last fall, and the Christmas You Are Using All The Bandwidth Streaming That Movie Dicktard melee of last month.

Officials expressed something less than total surprise at this occurance, because after all, More Data.

The fourteen people in the room who were reading books or carrying on actual conversations with each other or just entertaining themselves with their own thoughts were unharmed in the incident.  That's the happy ending suggested in the title of this blog post.

Wendy's most recent contribution to the problem

My favorite part of this ad is when the narrator says "you're still sitting there?" after he tells us we can get roughly 2000 calories worth of greasy fatty sludge from Wendy's for four dollars.

I'm pretty sure that the audience for this crap is usually "just sitting there."  If it's moving at all, it's going online to see if there's any way to just order it so they can continue to just sit there, because man getting off the couch and into the car and over to Wendy's just sounds soooooo tiring.

(There's another version of this ad which is kind of an update- Wendy's tells us that people have been tweeting and texing to let Wendy's know how much they LOVE the new four items for four dollars deal- one tweet even reads "Wendy's 4 x 4 has my heart."  Well, there's probably a lot of literal truth to that....)

What these Michelob Ultra Ads are really all about

"It's not about hiking, or swimming, or just walking.  It's about being twentysomething pretty white people with great teeth and really, really horrible taste in beer who have found something to do for a few hours on Saturdays before getting down to drinking that really horrible beer."

I don't understand- meteors used to hit this planet and wipe out all life on it every few dozen millions of years.  Why doesn't that happen anymore?

Um....whose trophy is that, again?

This dad sure shows around the word "we" a lot, doesn't he?  I'm pretty sure he didn't play a single down of the season.  Maybe he coached, but I doubt it- if he coached, he'd know in advance what kind of trophy the team would be getting. Which means his entire level of participation involved sitting in the stands- and now that the season is over, putting down his son's trophy.

It IS his son's trophy, isnt it?  Kind of hard to tell, considering that he's not satisfied with "seeing" it, as he told his son he wanted to- nope, he's taking on himself to view the trophy as a very dangerous step down the road to games in which kids play for fun, and competition is simply not that important. This horrifies KIA dad, so he decides to deface his kid's trophy while thinking to himself "no way, that's not gonna happen."

What's "not going to happen," again?  Oh yes- his kid enjoying playing football for the sheer fun of it, picking up some great friends and learning about teamwork on the side.  Kid doesn't know it yet, but those days are OVER.  From now on, every game is about WINNING, and all WINNING means is scoring more points than the other team.  Think you "won" because you spent several hours outdoors getting great exercise and having fun with your friends? Check the final score, Nancy- you LOST.  Why aren't you CRYING?  Probably because you've been brainwashed by our liberal, emasculating, man-hating society.

What this commercial really needs as its punchline is for some guy to roll past in his Lexus to snark on Woody Hayes and his KIA- because, you know what?  A KIA is the partipation trophy of Suburban dads.  Stick your attitude on your own trophy-free shelf, Dad.  And give your kid back HIS trophy- he earned it, not you, dumbass.

Pringles Presents: The Most Bored, and Boring, People on the Planet

Seriously, these people are way past having nothing to do.  They've made having nothing to do into an art form.  With greasy slivers of stuff that might have once been a distant relative of a potato.

I'll admit however that "Don't Just Eat Them" is not only a good tagline, it's also good advice. Almost as good as "Just Don't Eat 'Em."  Pretty much anything you do with Pringles is healthier than eating them.

One more thing- I give the guy on the park bench permission to beat the adorable young couple trying to kiss with Pringles in their mouths to death.  They deserve it.

"The Forest?" Again?

Remember that part of Brave New World where they show babies being shown flowers and then being electrocuted to condition them to hate the countryside and want to spend their entire lives in the cities?

Well, we seem to be living in a century where Hollywood absolutely loathes the outdoors.  Maybe it's the leaves, or the fresh air, or the wild animals.  But I've lost count of how many "scary" movies take place in the supposedly scary scary woods.  Jeesh, what do we own all these guns for if the sound of crickets gives us nightmares?

But hey, if going to the movies makes everyone afraid of those oxygen-producing monsters, that's fine with me- I spend every summer in a farmhouse on the edge of those Might As Well Be Hell Itself woods.  I hear those horrible crickets, and at night you can see a billion stars from my parents' front porch, and sometimes you can hear coyotes and there are always herds of deer enjoying the salt licks and corn dad puts out for them when it's not hunting season.  I hope I'm not terrifying anyone too much.  But if I am, that just means more Scary Nature for me.

Back to my original thought- I'm becoming convinced that this generation of movie-goers is being conditioned to hate nature, probably to grow the population of global warming deniers and fuel the demand to just pave the hell out of everything as soon as possible- before the trees eat us.  Because you know they will, if we let them.

A few of my favorite things about this Credit Repair Commercial

1.  The old guy who actually has a LIST of all the things he "requires" in a credit repair company.  You'd think someone whose credit is in the toilet would have divorced himself from the idea that he has the ability to put conditions on people who claim to want to help him repair that credit, but I guess you'd be wrong.

"Listen, I want a Money-Back Guarantee and a military discount and I want to be able to cancel anytime at no charge..."

"Um..you do realize you are the one with the crap credit, right?  Did you notice what happened when you brought your List of Demands to Rent A Center?  Did you notice how they laughed at you?  Do you get that you really aren't in any position to make demands, and it's your own damn fault?"

2.  The "Yes Yes Yes" girl.  As in "Yes!  I finally found someone to take more of my money in exchange for empty promises!  I am SO LUCKY, I'm going to treat myself to another round of binge spending with my 29.99% interest Secured VISA Card!  Just gotta get them to raise my credit limit to $1000!"

3.  The fact that if these idiots had spent one-tenth the energy trying to find a Credit Repair company on...oh, I don't know...paying their freaking bills on time....as well as, oh, I don't know....living within their means....they wouldn't be going through any of this?