Credit Repair-- again....here's how to make your situation even worse, and it's so easy!

I have a real love-hate relationship with companies like this.  I love their ads- they manage to use the cheesiest graphics and hire the most unconvincing actors (check out the young couple thrashing away in front of their laptop like they are watching a scary- or very funny- movie. More about them later.)  I hate their "service"- and I'll start my rant with that.

(Quick Disclaimer:  the following information is the result of research I've done.  I've never actually used any credit repair or tax evasion service, because I pay my bills and live within my means, crazy me.  I welcome any "corrections" if I get anything wrong here, 'cause I'm all about education.)

Here's how Credit Repair "services" generally work- the LEGITIMATE ones require a "one-time start up fee" called a "work fee" just to sign you up as a customer.  This fee generally runs between $25 and $50.  Then they go to work checking your credit report from the three reporting bureaus for "invalid" pings which may negatively effect your score (they have NO ability to go after the legitimate ones, so if you have a history of late payments or bankruptcies or defaults, these companies can do NOTHING for you, no matter they tell you in the radio ads and are careful NOT to claim in these tv versions.)

For each "invalid" report they get removed, you pay another fee- about $50 PER report PER reporting bureau (and remember, there are THREE of them, so we are talking $150 per bad report.)  And before you say "well, that might be worth it," please read the preceding paragraph again.  These companies can do NOTHING about the legit bad notices, which are the ones that are probably much more responsible for your lousy credit report.  So you may very well be finding yourself paying $150 to remove each ping and being rewarded with no change in your credit score.

That's the way LEGITIMATE companies work.  Believe it or not, if the company you hire only screws you over THIS much, you are better off than if you went to that other kind of "credit repair service" which actually charges you BY THE HOUR- meaning that you could end up getting a bill for hundreds or even thousands of dollars for the same pointless non-service or NO SERVICE AT ALL (after all, you will never, EVER get a guarantee of satisfaction from any of these people.)

Know what both the Legit and Truly Sleazy companies have in common?  They both offer a service you simply don't need if you are willing to spend some time on the phone with your creditors.  No credit card company, hospital, rental service, or any other organization you've had a bad history with* is unwilling to work with you on arranging a payment plan or removal of truly unfair notices on your credit score if you are honest about being willing to make those payments regularly.

Ok, back to that young couple, who were enjoying life in their spotless house, buying stuff online (note the credit card apparently glued to the hand) until suddenly confronted with the Its So Unfair bills.  These kids just want to get back to "buying the stuff they want," which I think got them in trouble in the first place.  I find them absolutely adorable.  And not in the least bit sympathetic.  Go to hell, stupid kids.

*the one exception I'll make is for Payday Lenders, who will NOT help you fix your credit score under ANY circumstances, because their business DEPENDS on your credit score staying very low.  I have no words strong enough for those vultures.

Paraphrasing Winston Churchill who, btw, would never touch this crap....

Never in the history of mankind has so much noise, so much chest-thumping, so much bragging and so much effort been expended in the service of so very, very little.

Seriously- I'm supposed to care that Budweiser WON'T LIVE BY THE RULES and isn't YOUR MOMMY'S PUMPKIN SPICE BEER YOU WUSSY and is clearly claiming to be THE BEER FOR REAL MEN AND REAL WOMEN SO IF YOU AREN'T ONE DON'T EVEN BOTHER TO ORDER ONE OF THESE AWESOME M-FERS LOSER.   I don't- which means I guess I'm not in their customer base.  Which means I am supposed to be totally doubting my self-worth right about now.

I haven't had a Budweiser in years, but unless they've changed the recipe since then, this commercial doesn't make a whole hell of a lot of sense. The message seems to be "Budweiser Goes Through A HELL OF A LOT to bring you a really, really mediocre beer!  So if you think you're good enough, head down to corner and pick yourself up a six-pack.  You can always find it, usually sitting right next to the good beer that isn't advertised with these KICK-ASS TESTOSTERONE-INFUSED COMMERCIALS!"

I feel bad about this, Budweiser, but I think I'll just keep passing on your product because- well, in the end, when I buy beer, I buy beer I actually want to drink.  Not beer that is made by a company which wants me to think that its production requires effort analogous to climbing Mt Everest with a keg- or at least, a pony keg- on your back.  Sorry you wasted so much time and effort.  If you want to just tell me I'm not good enough for your watery swill, I'll understand.

KFC really reached in this radio ad....

 I wish I could find more radio ads on YouTube, some of them are really snarkable.  I'd especially love to embed the ones for CPAP devices ( is there an epidemic, because there are suddenly a LOT of those ads) and the one for Rosetta Stone (yes, dammit, a bigger TV WOULD make me a better person, and now that I've answered you, please stop asking me during Every Freaking Commercial Break on SiriusXM.)

But since radio ads seem few and far between on YouTube, I'll just point out that this is a commercial for all-dark meat meals at KFC.  Which means it's a commercial urging people to celebrate Halloween by overpaying for boxes of scrawny deep-fried wings and legs.  I guess if you combine the impact this "food" will have on your arteries and your wallet, it is pretty scary, at that.

I'm SO glad that Safelight was there for this poor woman

Good freaking lord, how f---ng massive is this woman's house?  I find it very hard to believe that a woman with a spread like that in a suburb like this doesn't respond to seeing a crack in the windshield of her favorite SUV with something like "well, guess I gotta take the BMW today" rather than "Oh noes, a crack in my perfect life!  This might delay my weekly pedicure by an hour or so, woe is me!"

Seriously, was I really supposed to relate to this woman?

Let me see if I get this straight....

This deeply caring woman started working at an animal shelter.  She  decided to adopt an older dog (whose name is Bennie, I can hear even if the person who posted this can't) because "no one else wanted him."  He's an older dog, so he needs help from her "all day long" (so the dog basically stays at the shelter with her all day.)

Then this deeply caring woman suffered a flareup of her back pain, and "I was afraid I was going to have to give him away."  Um, say what?  You intentionally adopt an older dog who needs extra care, and as soon as you feel some pain in your back you think "maybe I should dump the dog which, btw, I've already noted nobody else wants?"  Jeesh, glad you tried an Aleve before getting the next door neighbor to put a bullet in it's brain at least, but man you were quick to consider nixing the whole dog thing fast, weren't you?

"Hey Sue, where's that dog you rescued? Bennie?"
"Oh, I loved Bennie!  But one day I felt a pain in my back, so I gave him away."
"Uh........"

It's great to be kind and loving, but to get credit for being kind and loving, it kind of requires that you stay kind and loving even when you've got a headache or a cold or a tweak in your back, lady.  Please do another animal a favor and stick with the one dog.  It's future is  precarious enough.

So with an Audi, you can pretend to be an astronaut? Why do overgrown children have all the money?

A former astronaut who is now an old man sits in a chair, paralyzed with memories of his lost youth and glory.  He won't eat.  He's obviously suffering from depression, but....

He doesn't need medication, he doesn't need therapy, and he certainly doesn't need someone to share his stories with.  He doesn't need to be reminded that he's got children and grandchildren.   He needs family that cares about him enough to realize that there is something very, very unhealthy in obsessing about the past, and to show him that life doesn't end at eighty (or whenever.)

He doesn't have that kind of family.  Instead, he's got a douchenozzle son who thinks that driving a tripped-up Audi might remind Dad of that spacecraft he commanded fifty years ago.  Personally, I wish Dad had asked his son something like "seriously?  Do you really think that when you drive this LookAtMeDouchemobile you are doing anything like traveling to the moon?  Are you kidding?"

Instead, this being a commercial, Dad is reminded of his glory days because he can cruise down the road in his son's Audi with it's glowing lights and showy, 90% utterly pointless bells and whistles.  Never mind that the spacecraft back in the '60s didn't have Facebook or WiFi or individually heated seats or multiple cameras and object detection with automatic braking that basically makes the driver of the Audi a sack of potatoes along for the ride.  Or that Son is really, really insulting Dad by suggesting that this Middle Finger On Wheels is a substitute for what Dad really misses- the danger and excitement that comes with adventure.

Maybe Dad is like the grandfather in The Red Pony, who has gone and on for so many years about traveling to the moon that his son has become a bitter, resentful, jealous jerk.  Son is going to show Dad how insignificant he truly is by having him drive a car which has more advanced technology in the sound system than in all of the Apollo spacecraft combined.   That would make this commercial even sadder.

Well, SOMETHING had to be intelligent here....

The woman driving the Audi Q7 is either blind as a bat or so overwhelmed by her own sense of self-satisfaction- as well as confidence that her super-smart car will protect her from her total disconnect with the world around her- that she was unable to detect a car approaching on a perfectly level road at a four-way stop in the middle of the  night.

Yeah, the Audi Q7 was absolutely the right choice for her.  Setting aside my amazement that she managed to survive despite the fact that until this year cars with these ridiculous safety features were not even on the market, I would argue that it was the ONLY choice for her.  I'm sure the person in the other car agrees- no one this obtuse and clueless should be behind the wheel of any other car.

I mean, she's not even shown distracted by a phone call or an update on a friend's Facebook page.  She's not like nine out of ten people I see driving around every day with eyes glued to their phones or encased in electronic cocoons with suburb-vibrating music.  She's just SITTING THERE IN ABSOLUTE SILENCE  And she doesn't notice that car approaching?  Good luck, lady.  Sooner or later you have to leave that car- and you seem destined to walk against the light or fall down an uncovered utility hole sooner or later.