Because I can find a way to snark on pretty much any ad...here are two for the price of one!

Anyone else think that the message of this otherwise very nice, very well-done commercial is muted somewhat by the fact that the kid is standing on what is obviously a stump?



The real horror of this commercial is not immediately apparent.  It only comes when you realize that they are rhyming.  As in- oh my freaking god, they are rhyming.  And suddenly what you thought was an annoyance becomes a war crime, complete with a sound track brought to you by a total freaking sellout of what I thought was a pretty cool rock group.

Not at all funny....

Seriously, does Heart Rate MonitorsUSA think that this is going to win me as a customer?  What idiot thought that this "joke" was a good idea? First rule of marketing- don't tick off the base.  I buy fitness devices from time to time.  I will probably look elsewhere after this crap.

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Ahhhhh this is a really obnoxious commercial, Cigna!

Seriously, I think I'd rather have my ears battered by a Kit-Kat commercial than have to listen to this awfulness.  At least Kit-Kat ads don't feature one idiot after another sticking out their damn tongues.

I get that the message is kind of important- yeah, we should all get regular checkups and yeah, insurance companies should pay for them because, after all, regular checkups mean problems caught at the early stage when they can be dealt with for the least amount of money and pain.  Get it.

Still doesn't mean I want all this "aaaaahhhhhh" crap, especially for thirty freaking seconds.  I GET it.  It's an important message.  It's NOT clever.  It does NOT make me like anyone in the ad.  Actually, it makes me want to HURT them.  Especially at the end, when these people are saying "ahhh" for no freaking reason at all except the script demands it.  Ahhhhh I don't get paid enough to do this blog.

Aim High, Sister!

Oh boo-freaking-hoo, Supermom.  Nobody tazered and tagged you and tossed you into Suburbia so you could wake up one day with several constantly-dirty children and a worthless husband.  And guess what?  There are millions of women out there who not only do all this crap without a State of the Art Whirlpool, but with no washing machine at all.

But here's a tissue to go with your cape, Wonder Woman.  Maybe you'll get a chance to use it if you ever climb down from that cross.

Happy Chocolate Pagan Bunny Day!

1.  I never committed a sin before I was born, so I didn't need someone to take the fall for me 2000 years ago.

2.  There is nothing moral or just about a person being tortured to death as payment for something someone else did.  Blood doesn't wash away sins.

3.  I will not be guilted into loving or worshipping or following someone because he allegedly let himself be tortured and/or because he claims to love me.  This sounds like a classic battered spouse relationship- "I suffered for you, so if you don't worship me you are a horribly ungrateful human being."

4.  I don't need a "relationship" with a fictional character to be a worthwhile person or to achieve fulfillment in my life.  And you can't convince me that I do or that I'm sad "deep inside" because I don't "get it."

5.  So many of these "Jesus Loves Me" people pose as admirers of Israel and of Jews, but their own doctrines make very clear that Heaven is open only "through Christ."  Martin Luther, for example, stated that Redemption and Salvation are possible outside the Church but "not outside Christ."  If the people I know and work with every day aren't welcome into heaven, it's too exclusive for me, too.

6.  Jesus "loves me" but he'll never help me with my taxes, or in keeping my house clean, or take a walk with me, or drink coffee with me at the local Starbucks, or take in a movie with me, or do any of the thousand things my real, non-imaginary friends do with me.  His love and $1 will buy me a hamburger at McDonald's.  Given the choice, I'll take the $1.

Enjoy your chocolates.

Wear your best friend on your wrist!!!

Hey, this is really cool!  Now you can take your life-sucking games anywhere you go even before your parents have given in to your pathetic whining and sprung for that iPhone like all the other parents of your friends did before THEY hit the age of eight!

(Of course, if you are still f--ing around with this stupid crap when you hit the age of ten, get ready to be mercilessly bullied by your iPhone-owning friends!  And feel free to show this blog post to your parents in case they don't get it!)

Until then- yaaaaayyyy something to do other than make actual, human friends and play actual, human games (holy crap, these kids are OUTSIDE and TOGETHER and all they can think to do is f--k around with this nonsense?  Do kids even own whiffleballs or frisbees or bikes anymore?)

I take back that part about this being "really cool."  It's actually really, really sad.  If I had a kid, I might get something like this to keep them occupied during long car rides or rainy days.  No, I take that back, too- I'd use long car rides to TALK TO HIM and rainy days to PLAY GAMES WITH HIM.  I can't think of ANY instance in which I'd day to myself "man, I wish I had bought that stupid virtual friend thing to keep my kid's brain occupied, because books are so lame...."

And since my kid would be wildly popular- like the kids in these ads seem to be- he'd never lack other kids to engage in actual play with-- you know, actual play which burns actual calories and actual muscle and develops actual social skills.  Not this garbage.  Adults spend waaaaaayyyy too much of their lives staring at screens- why the hell would we want to introduce that ugly addiction in childhood?

Oh right, Capitalism.  I keep forgetting.

Nissan: Where the Salesmen are just decorative

Here's another ad people who actually make a living selling cars must loathe, because it's so damn common.  This woman doesn't need to be sold a car, she just needs to be followed around until she picks the one she's the most insane about and shown where to sign.  The cars might as well be in vending machines.  I wonder if Toyota shows this commercial to salesmen whenever they ask for a raise- "seriously?  You don't do anything NOW!  People are so desperately manic to buy our cars, you are practically in the way when they come in- a chimp with a pen could do your job!"

"Yeah yeah yeah love the cars, love the deal, here's my wallet give me my keys!"  And the salesman looks flustered and stunned by the whole thing- well yeah, I guess I would be stunned too if I walked into my new class late one August and had all the kids tell me "never mind about teaching us stuff, we read the text over the summer lets just start writing essays we'll grade ourselves and watch prep videos and see you after the AP Exam Mr. J!"

 I'd be stunned- and then I'd wake up.