Because life without DirectTV is just stupid and backward and wrong, I guess

So....the suburban jackass who lives next door and who KNOWS that the kid who visited his son comes from a family with vastly different values just let him watch DirectTV and use the features it provides....and it didn't even occur to him that in doing so he might be exposing him to things that violate the traditions of the kid's family?

Because "settling" for homemade clothes and from-scratch cooking and (oh horrors) life without DirectTV is just weird and stupid, gee it's sad that your kid has to come over to our house to be exposed to lightning-fast video games and hour after hour of brain-numbing stupid on TV, when he's stuck at home he's forced to do lame non-digital stuff like make his own hat and work in the garden like a sad loser, right?

In real life, I'd like the Settler Dad to tell douchenozzle "I don't give a damn about your weird values because they're weird" Dad "hey, you know what?  We are raising our kids differently from yours.  Our kids read instead of watch endless tv.  They work puzzles and play outside rather than spend hour after hour with violent video games.  Because we have different values.  Instead of contaminating our kid with your 'superior' DirectTV-provided lifestyle, maybe you could show some respect for ours?"  What if Settler Dad and Family were Amish?  Would they still be "weird" and "backward" and stupid?

Personally?  I don't think "Settler Dad's" kids are missing all that much.  But that's not really the point, is it?  Neighbor Dad?  You're a jackass and have no business snarking on anyone's values.  You certainly have no businessness undermining those values.  If you can't be respectful of the "inferior" non-DirectTV world, at least mind your own f--ing business.

There are about half a dozen of these "Settler" ads out there now, running pretty much nonstop.  So I'm sure I'll be snarking on other versions in the future, but this "your son really loves sneaking off to do stuff you don't approve of over at my house" crap really set me off.   I think I'll calm down by reading the YouTube posters amuse themselves by repeating lines from the commercial.  That will restore my faith in humanity.

Poor, Sad, Deluded Woman with a camera and back pain

And if we look into this room, we can see that this patient has decorated her walls with photographs of sunrises.  She is a very interesting case- it seems that she's convinced herself that she is a professional photographer who must get up before dawn every morning to photograph sunrises because "it's her job."  

No snickering, please.  It's very unprofessional.  Let's show some compassion, shall we, for this sad case.  And for the orderlies,  who are required to unlock her door a few minutes before sunrise so that she can head outside and get that Perfect Shot of something that has happened several billion times in the past and will happen several billion times in the future, whether she manages to get it on film or not.   We had an extremely difficult time with her last week, when her back pain caused her to sleep late several times and she spent every daylight hour overcome with guilt and anger that a sunrise had actually been allowed to pass without her present with her Very Important Camera.

When she first came to us, her family explained that when they tried to tell her that stumbling out of the house and taking photographs of the sunrise wasn't exactly a "job" that anyone could expect to get paid for, she flew into a rage and accused them of not wanting to buy her film and plotting to get her fired from the imaginary magazines and news services which were always willing to pay for infinite photographs of the same thing.  And it didn't matter that she would often be sitting on rocks by the ocean at 10 AM, staring into bright sunlight, taking photographs of the ocean hours after dawn had broken- attempting to get her inside before she was "finished" her "work" could prove downright dangerous.  So they brought her here, telling her that this was the National Headquarters For Maintaining Evidence of Consistent Sunrises and that it just made sense that she make it her permanent residence.

So if you decide to actually go into her room and talk with her, please compliment her on her collection of sunrise photos, and thank her for the important-- umm-- "work" that she's carrying on for our benefit.  Oh, and ask her how her back is doing.  She appreciates that, too. 

Real Children, Not Actors, Being Damaged at a Very Young Age

First quick question to parents:  none of you show up in this ad, but you are clearly the consumers being targeted here.*  So, why did you even bother to have kids if you want them constantly occupied by video games and movies and texting, even when you are together in a freaking car?  When did the concept of actually communicating with your kids get tossed out the window for "here, play with this crap and don't bother me- I'm so desperate to be left alone I've even gone out and bought a car with built-in distractions for you.  So, we're good- see you at the dinner table, maybe."

Ok, now on to the actual steaming pile of wretched refuse which is this commercial.  I don't care that these kids aren't actors, and I totally believe that they aren't actors- if I was skeptical, the first time one of them opened his mouth, I would have been convinced.  But don't tell me that they haven't been fed lines and cues- "you should all sigh now," "you should look dissapointed now," "you respond with 'I'm jealous,' "You all look excited when we show the car, ok?"  Because that's so blatantly obvious it isn't even funny.

Also not funny- any of this junk.  Back to my original point- when did parents become so desperate to find things for their kids to do during the 5-mile trips to school other than (gasp) TALK to them?  I could almost understand liking the idea of having WiFi capabilities if you are driving seven kids a long distance, until I imagine the kind of noise that's going to make- even if they are all wearing earphones and the driver can't hear the actual game, aren't these kids going to be yelling and screaming at each othe reach time some digital prize is attained or one of them is knocked out of the contest?

And another thing- the saleschoad's argument is centered around the idea of "fairness."  It's not "fair" that only one kid got to play the game.  It would be "more fair" if they could ALL play.  So the "answer" is to get Mommy and Daddy to buy this car so that everyone in it can play at the same time.  I mean, what's the alternative?  Taking turns?  Ugh, sounds totally 20th century to me.  And what about Mommies and Daddies who can't afford to buy cars like this (or have brain cells and simply
dont want to?)  Are they being "less fair" than the idiots who go for this level of self-indulgence?  Again- that's totally 20th century thinking. right?

*Remember when ads aimed at kids encouraged them to politely urge Mom and Dad to buy them a certain toy, or take them to some theme park?  Now kids are being told that if Mom and Dad want to be "fair," they'll blow $40,000 on a car with WiFi so The Whole Gang can play brain-numbing video games on the way to that theme park.  'Cause that would be fair, and plus you won't have to talk to me, Mom and Dad!  And the beat goes on.....

Self-Satisfied Eurotrash Douchenozzles, for example

Congratulations, Lexus, for finding the only thing on the planet more repulsive than people who are addicted to their f--ing cellphones-- a scruffy one-percenter and his genetically superior model trophy girlfriend.

You could at least let me see them run over a few of these techno-zombies before they exchange "it's almost unbelievable how truly awesome we are" glances.  Ugh I hate this planet so very much.

I guess I went to the wrong college, or just teach at the wrong school, or something. Because I don't get this

1.  What does "writing lots of papers" have to do with it being "Final Exam Week?"  Does the person who wrote the script for this commercial really think that research papers and exams are the same thing?  Or did this girl just admit that she blew off all her research assignments until the end of the semester and now will be basically living in the library trying to do everything all at once because she's really lousy at organizing and avoiding procrastination?  BTW, Earth to scriptwriter:  this is the year 2016, not 1986.  When I was in college, studying for finals meant a lot of time in the library.  Research meant even more time in the library.  Today, not so much.  You even show this girl with a MacBook-is she just there to use the library's free internet?

2.  Grammarly is a program which fixes grammar mistakes- so you don't have to, I guess.   If this "promotes better writing," then calculators "promote better mathematics."  The girl in this ad seems positively proud of the fact that she's using software to cover up her crappy grammar skills.  Which leads me to...

3.  Her professor, who apparently would rather have a clean, easily-graded paper edited by Grammarly than an honest one written by a student.  He barely glances at the paper before telling her that he won't be needing his Red Pen of Pain- because he heard her telling us about Grammarly.  So all this guy grades on is grammar?  This college student has a real problem stringing together coherent sentences in essays she's handed in previously, but that's been solved with a quick download, so he's not even going to bother with the substance of the paper?  What the hell?

Because Going Green is easier when you have some

Hey look everybody, someone has found a way to make exercise more fun and accessable to wealthy people!

Seriously, here's the deal with Capital BikeShare:  you can take any of their bikes, from any rack, for 30 minutes absolutely free.  And you can do this as many times a day as you like.  Wow, that's awesome- what a terrific way to encourage people to get out of their cars and rediscover the benefits of moving their legs! Yay Capital BikeShare!

Except, hold on, dammit- turns out that there's fine print.  You'll need a credit card if you want to take any of those "free" bikes.  And it's going to cost you $8 for a 24-hour membership.  Ouch, you think- eight bucks for a bike?  Better look into this some more. Maybe you want one for a weekend?  That's $17.  Hey, that's not terrible- Friday, Saturday, and Sunday for $17....of course, unless you want to start paying additional fees, you'll have to get off that bike and get on another one (if you can find one) every thirty minutes...so this isn't exactly the best option for that 30-mile roundtrip to Mount Vernon you had in mind, but....

Let's say you decide that you really want to spend a day on a bike, and you want to cruise around without stopping and constantly changing bikes every 30 minutes.  Ok- the next thirty minutes are going to cost you $1.50.  The next are going to cost you $4.50.  The official site doesn't tell you what the next thirty minutes cost, or how much you are going to get billed to your credit card if you keep the same bike out for, say, three hours, but my guess is that it will involve taking out another mortgage on your house.

(Ok, ok, I actually just checked- the cost would be $30.  Ugh.)

Oh but hey, there are discounts available if you are willing to make a small financial commitment to Capital BikeShare- if you take out an annual membership for only $85, you can save fifty cents on that $1.50 second half-hour fee, for example.  Can't afford that kind of money up front? No Problem, just get a Day Key for only $10, and $7 per day- either way you get all the benefits of that First 30-Minutes Free awesomeness!

Let's be honest, ok?  Capital BikeShare looks for all the world like it was conceived and birthed by a panel of twentysomething trust fund babies from Portland as a way to hit fellow one-percenters in the wallet by appealing to their social conscience and apparently inborn need to at least look like they are Doing Their Part To Save The Planet.  It certainly isn't for people who can't afford to drive or take the bus, which is why you would be justified in assuming that neckties come with the bikes when you take a quick visual survey of who is using the system.   Nice to know there's another option when it's nice outside and you just have to get to Whole Foods for another bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon before the guests start to arrive and you don't want to take the Audi out again.  Take that, global warming!

I've heard the food is pretty good for a chain, though....

There's actually two compilations of these Sonic commercials available on YouTube, and I can't imagine why.  I certainly don't want to meet anyone who enjoys this stupidity so much they'd sit down to twenty minutes of two-guys-in-a-car-talking-food ads.

I mean, really.  If I want to watch two guys sitting in a car engaged in witless, inane, self-indulgent blather, there are countless episodes of Midnight Screenings also available on YouTube.