And I don't feel even the slightest bit sorry for the people who fall for this crap.

The radio versions of ads for Community Tax tell listeners to "take down this number or store it in your cell phone," making it very clear that their prospective customer base is so stupid that it needs to be told how to go about jotting down a number they might want to call later on- if they really are that stupid.

This televised version doesn't tell us to write down the number or store it in a cell phone or repeat it over and over again until we can get to a phone or take a sharp instrument and carve it into our arms.  Instead, it attempts to win us over with throbbing buzzwords dashing across the screen  and fast talk which we are ordered to listen to "very closely."  Because the stakes are so high, after all.



And here we have another service offering us the opportunity to duck our responsibilities, this one using a billowing American flag which just screams "it's totally patriotic to shift your tax burden on to the sucker tax payers."  Diane C. breathlessly informs us that her $13,500 tax debt was settled for only $400.  Even if Diane C. is being sincere, that means that this bubbleheaded freeloader just handed us a bill for $13,100 or a larger debt.  Gee, thanks Diane C.- pardon me if I don't exactly share your enthusiasm beating the system.

Of course, I don't believe any of this, despite the flag and the insistence that I have "Rights" which include not paying my taxes.  Not even the bizarrely fascistic symbol placed over the flag after Diane C makes her last attempt to sell us on this scam wins me over (it looks like a traffic cop holding a pair of scales with his legs as he makes a Nazi salute, what the hell?)

I'm still trying to catch up with Owen myself, GE.....

It's bad enough that there is now an entire series of GE commercial storylines built around this weird doofus with too much gel in his hair.  But I wish they'd stick to their own lame script- does Owen have the authority to hire people, or not?  The first ad suggests that he doesn't, the second that he does.

Plus, what does Owen say to either job-hunter that convinces them they really, really want to work for GE?  He doesn't say what his salary, benefits package, health insurance or hours are.  He just spews his usual "we are changing the world" bs.  Why is this attractive to anyone?  Personally, I'd rather get in on the brain-drone thing; that looks like it would be an instant money maker.  General Electric?  Last time I checked, doofus Owen was talking about writing code to help machines "talk to eachother."  Boooorrring.

So is Owen hiring now?  Can we get that straight before we create any more of these ads, please?

I have problems, too. First, what the hell is this?

(Why does this ad start with Jerry saying "Hi," and then letting the illustrator tell us his story, as if he isn't there?  Why isn't it "I have some troubles?"  Meh, whatever...)

Jerry has an online business.  But, Jerry has problems.  He has a Lack of Money, and some Troubles.

But then Jerry located these people who are Experts at Marketing, Web Utilization, and basically Getting Things Done.

Problem solved.  Jerry now has lots of money.

Ok, I'm totally lost.  I have absolutely no idea what service this commercial is trying to sell- I mean, I could assume that it's a Quick Cash At High Interest deal, because Jerry's "problems" seem to center around money (there's no mention of distribution or marketing issues, and there's cartoon pictures of gold coins, so....) On the other hand, this video was found by typing "getting rich on real estate."  Real Estate is not mentioned anywhere in the ad.  Is the solution that Jerry is in the wrong business, and really just needs to hire this "team" which is remember made up of people who are Experts at Doing Things who will steer him away from that business and on to where the real money is- flipping houses?

I guess I'll never know, because I sure as hell am not about to click the link.  So- good luck, Jerry, with your troubles, whatever they are, and your team of Experts, whatever they do.

Because life without DirectTV is just stupid and backward and wrong, I guess

So....the suburban jackass who lives next door and who KNOWS that the kid who visited his son comes from a family with vastly different values just let him watch DirectTV and use the features it provides....and it didn't even occur to him that in doing so he might be exposing him to things that violate the traditions of the kid's family?

Because "settling" for homemade clothes and from-scratch cooking and (oh horrors) life without DirectTV is just weird and stupid, gee it's sad that your kid has to come over to our house to be exposed to lightning-fast video games and hour after hour of brain-numbing stupid on TV, when he's stuck at home he's forced to do lame non-digital stuff like make his own hat and work in the garden like a sad loser, right?

In real life, I'd like the Settler Dad to tell douchenozzle "I don't give a damn about your weird values because they're weird" Dad "hey, you know what?  We are raising our kids differently from yours.  Our kids read instead of watch endless tv.  They work puzzles and play outside rather than spend hour after hour with violent video games.  Because we have different values.  Instead of contaminating our kid with your 'superior' DirectTV-provided lifestyle, maybe you could show some respect for ours?"  What if Settler Dad and Family were Amish?  Would they still be "weird" and "backward" and stupid?

Personally?  I don't think "Settler Dad's" kids are missing all that much.  But that's not really the point, is it?  Neighbor Dad?  You're a jackass and have no business snarking on anyone's values.  You certainly have no businessness undermining those values.  If you can't be respectful of the "inferior" non-DirectTV world, at least mind your own f--ing business.

There are about half a dozen of these "Settler" ads out there now, running pretty much nonstop.  So I'm sure I'll be snarking on other versions in the future, but this "your son really loves sneaking off to do stuff you don't approve of over at my house" crap really set me off.   I think I'll calm down by reading the YouTube posters amuse themselves by repeating lines from the commercial.  That will restore my faith in humanity.

Poor, Sad, Deluded Woman with a camera and back pain

And if we look into this room, we can see that this patient has decorated her walls with photographs of sunrises.  She is a very interesting case- it seems that she's convinced herself that she is a professional photographer who must get up before dawn every morning to photograph sunrises because "it's her job."  

No snickering, please.  It's very unprofessional.  Let's show some compassion, shall we, for this sad case.  And for the orderlies,  who are required to unlock her door a few minutes before sunrise so that she can head outside and get that Perfect Shot of something that has happened several billion times in the past and will happen several billion times in the future, whether she manages to get it on film or not.   We had an extremely difficult time with her last week, when her back pain caused her to sleep late several times and she spent every daylight hour overcome with guilt and anger that a sunrise had actually been allowed to pass without her present with her Very Important Camera.

When she first came to us, her family explained that when they tried to tell her that stumbling out of the house and taking photographs of the sunrise wasn't exactly a "job" that anyone could expect to get paid for, she flew into a rage and accused them of not wanting to buy her film and plotting to get her fired from the imaginary magazines and news services which were always willing to pay for infinite photographs of the same thing.  And it didn't matter that she would often be sitting on rocks by the ocean at 10 AM, staring into bright sunlight, taking photographs of the ocean hours after dawn had broken- attempting to get her inside before she was "finished" her "work" could prove downright dangerous.  So they brought her here, telling her that this was the National Headquarters For Maintaining Evidence of Consistent Sunrises and that it just made sense that she make it her permanent residence.

So if you decide to actually go into her room and talk with her, please compliment her on her collection of sunrise photos, and thank her for the important-- umm-- "work" that she's carrying on for our benefit.  Oh, and ask her how her back is doing.  She appreciates that, too. 

Real Children, Not Actors, Being Damaged at a Very Young Age

First quick question to parents:  none of you show up in this ad, but you are clearly the consumers being targeted here.*  So, why did you even bother to have kids if you want them constantly occupied by video games and movies and texting, even when you are together in a freaking car?  When did the concept of actually communicating with your kids get tossed out the window for "here, play with this crap and don't bother me- I'm so desperate to be left alone I've even gone out and bought a car with built-in distractions for you.  So, we're good- see you at the dinner table, maybe."

Ok, now on to the actual steaming pile of wretched refuse which is this commercial.  I don't care that these kids aren't actors, and I totally believe that they aren't actors- if I was skeptical, the first time one of them opened his mouth, I would have been convinced.  But don't tell me that they haven't been fed lines and cues- "you should all sigh now," "you should look dissapointed now," "you respond with 'I'm jealous,' "You all look excited when we show the car, ok?"  Because that's so blatantly obvious it isn't even funny.

Also not funny- any of this junk.  Back to my original point- when did parents become so desperate to find things for their kids to do during the 5-mile trips to school other than (gasp) TALK to them?  I could almost understand liking the idea of having WiFi capabilities if you are driving seven kids a long distance, until I imagine the kind of noise that's going to make- even if they are all wearing earphones and the driver can't hear the actual game, aren't these kids going to be yelling and screaming at each othe reach time some digital prize is attained or one of them is knocked out of the contest?

And another thing- the saleschoad's argument is centered around the idea of "fairness."  It's not "fair" that only one kid got to play the game.  It would be "more fair" if they could ALL play.  So the "answer" is to get Mommy and Daddy to buy this car so that everyone in it can play at the same time.  I mean, what's the alternative?  Taking turns?  Ugh, sounds totally 20th century to me.  And what about Mommies and Daddies who can't afford to buy cars like this (or have brain cells and simply
dont want to?)  Are they being "less fair" than the idiots who go for this level of self-indulgence?  Again- that's totally 20th century thinking. right?

*Remember when ads aimed at kids encouraged them to politely urge Mom and Dad to buy them a certain toy, or take them to some theme park?  Now kids are being told that if Mom and Dad want to be "fair," they'll blow $40,000 on a car with WiFi so The Whole Gang can play brain-numbing video games on the way to that theme park.  'Cause that would be fair, and plus you won't have to talk to me, Mom and Dad!  And the beat goes on.....

Self-Satisfied Eurotrash Douchenozzles, for example

Congratulations, Lexus, for finding the only thing on the planet more repulsive than people who are addicted to their f--ing cellphones-- a scruffy one-percenter and his genetically superior model trophy girlfriend.

You could at least let me see them run over a few of these techno-zombies before they exchange "it's almost unbelievable how truly awesome we are" glances.  Ugh I hate this planet so very much.