Fios Presents: The Television Addict's version of the DTs

Seems to me that these two people would be having a perfectly nice evening together, except that one of them is obviously a television addict who is suffering withdrawal symptoms so severe that she must ultimately abandon her friend and rush back to her superior cable service for a fix.

Because several minutes of being forced to use her atrophied brain- as well as attempting to use equally atrophied social skills- was just too much for this "I'm just gonna check because sitting here face to face not watching television is way too painful for me" lunatic.

Her abandoned friend is so much better off now- because she knows the value of that friendship she thought she had.  Good luck in finding real friends, lady.

Another Investments Ad Overflowing with Pretention.....

I'm quite certain that I've never given one damn less about anything than I do about how well this couple of elderly douchenozzle faux liberals* are doing with their retirement investments.  I'm sure they can continue to afford the regular European vacations and brie parties in which they tongue-cluck over how superawesome Bernie Sanders and how hard it is to Find Good Help Around The House These Days, ocassionally loudly remembering how they once supported this or this Cause back in college.  And have micropigs for pets because....well, because dogs and cats are nice but so very, very common.

*by faux liberal, I mean the kind of liberal Pete Ochs used to sing about- the bs showy jackasses who stick Feel The Bern bumper stickers on their Audis so they look good in the parking lot at Whole Foods and who know exactly how many black "friends" they have (and who really wish they had more gay friends, because that's so much more in vogue these days...) but who breathed a huge sigh of relief when their daughter came home with a white male boyfriend.

I almost feel sorry for the guy in this Behr Paint commercial

The look of sheer terror that appears on this guy's face when he finds out that his girlfriend will be arriving earlier than expected is, I suspect, supposed to be funny.  I don't find it funny.  He practically wets himself in panic as he rushes to complete a ridiculous paint job (one coat of white over- what the hell is that?  Purple? Seriously?) in record time, not only avoiding a single drop of paint landing anywhere other than the walls- not on his clothes, the wall, anywhere- but apparently not even leaving a freaking fresh paint smell.

Back to this woman- the way she's shown approaching, it's pretty easy to imagine that her would-be fiancee is in for a serious beat-down if that paint job is NOT done on time.  She walks into the apartment like she's going to tear him in half if she even suspects he did a rush job.  Was he supposed to paint this place a week earlier and just f--ked off, figuring he had plenty of time?  Does that even matter?  I mean, jesus, who the hell would buy in to this?  She's not THAT good looking!

Anyway, congratulations Eurotrash doofus for managing to get that painting done- and everything cleaned up just right- before She stepped in the door.  Now you can hand her that rock and set yourself up for forty years of being absolutely terrified of her.  Way to go.  I'm sure you deserve each other.  Have fun waking up in a cold sweat every once in a while after dreaming that you forgot to buy toothpaste.

Another one of these "you might not be able to afford to die" commercials

The "average cost" of a funeral is $7500?  Oh wait, it gets even worse- funerals can cost "up to $30,000."

Thirty thousand dollars?  Who the hell do you think you are, Rameses III?  You hoping for the whole package including embalming with honey and sawdust?  You want to be laid on on a bed of silk and gold-flecked truffles wearing an Armani tux?  Or maybe you want a Lexus instead of a pine box?

As I've posted before in reacting to ads like this, there is ZERO reason for a funeral to cost anywhere NEAR what these commercials claim.  But if you have determined that you deserve some kind of showy display when you die, I guess you'd better buy this insurance.  Because no one in their right mind would go into debt to put someone in the freaking ground.  Spending money is for the living, sorry.

"Donate his body to science" is mentioned in this ad, but then quickly dropped- apparently that's not really an option for David, because Reasons.  Biggest reason, I'm guessing:  there's no money in it for anyone.

 Leave the money you might have selfishly set aside for a ridiculously ornate box no one will ever see after the burial for, oh gee, I don't know, an f--ing college fund for a granchild.  I have to explain this to you? I thought old people were supposed to be smart- Greatest Generation and all that crap?

Line by Line snark on this Match.com ad. Because I'm really tired and don't feel like actually doing anything*

I am not really sure what the Spokeschoad on the Street's first question- it sounds like "how many--- did you meet?" but Idiot Woman Who Doesn't Know How To Say Mind Your Own F--ing Business to Spokeschoad on the Street responds "mostly from dating websites," which isn't an answer to that question.  Does he say "how did you meet guys?"  Because it sure doesn't sound like that at all...

"Tell me about it."  Proper response- "None of your F--ing Business."  Response from someone desperate to be in a commercial- "sure, let me tell you about my online dating history, right here on the street:"  "Mostly just there to hook up."  Um, what's the problem with that?

"Have you tried the Match App?"  "There's a Match APP?"  No, seriously.  That's her response.  She's surprised that Match isn't the only company on the planet that doesn't have an App.  That's the 1990s version of responding to "have you checked out the company's website" with "the company has a WEBSITE?  Holy Crap, I had NO IDEA!"  I have never used Match, eHarmony, or any of these dating sites.  I just ASSUMED that they all had Apps.  Because, you know, 2016.

"Ooooh, this guy wants to chat and have fun and see where it takes us." Yeah, that's SO different from the guys on the other websites, who just want to "hook up."  What does this woman think "chat and have fun and see where it takes us" MEANS?  Does she think it translates into "lets just chat and take it slowly, maybe if it feels right after 100 dates or so we can meet my mom and spend the evening watching 'Old Fashioned' on DVD?"

"How is this different from some other Apps?"  Um, well, with some other Apps, you can find a favorite restaurant.  With others, you can play games involving birds with pissed-off looks on their faces.  With other Apps, you can buy Starbucks coffee.  I don't understand the question.  At all.

"Getting to know what a person is like is 'more mature' than 'here's my face.'"  Well, ok.  Which non-Match.com dating sites go with "here's my face, let's hook up?"  Because it's strongly suggested that's what ALL the non-Match.com sites do.  If that's so, I'll ask again- what's the problem?

"Just joined Match!" Based on a 20-second non-coversation with a Spokeschoad!  Hey, Jordan, I'd leave "mature" out of your dating profile.  Because honesty and all.

Or, I'd just cut the crap and admit that you just want to hook up- you just didn't want to admit it to the Spokeschoad.  That would be more mature than this.

*I spent 12 hours on a train and bus yesterday.  This is as ambitious as I get today.

This doesn't surprise me, BMW*

The caption reads "Wife drops off Stuff," but this plays more like Rich Girlfriend Dumps Rich Boyfriend's stuff.  I don't see these people as married- for one thing, it's pretty clearly implied that they have seperate residences.  The guy is standing in front of Standard Huge House in the Burbs.  If that's THEIR house, why is SHE dropping off HIS stuff?  If she dumped him, wouldn't his stuff already be in their house?

Whereas if they are dating, she has her own place and he's gradually moved some things into it, for convenience-- first a toothbrush, then a change of clothes, etc.- and she's had enough of the arrangement so out he, and the stuff, goes.  That's what seems to be happening here.

Regardless of what's happening, it isn't "complicated." It's needlessly humiliating and cruel.  If he deserves it, his "it's complicated" means "I'm an A-One Jackass and I don't want to talk about it."  At no point does this commercial, obviously played for laughs, come off as at all funny, either- just another episode of Lifestyles Of The Rich And Not At All Famous.  But at least it's short, I'll give it that.

*that BMW owners can be passive-aggressive douchenozzles.  Doesn't surprise me one little bit.

And I don't feel even the slightest bit sorry for the people who fall for this crap.

The radio versions of ads for Community Tax tell listeners to "take down this number or store it in your cell phone," making it very clear that their prospective customer base is so stupid that it needs to be told how to go about jotting down a number they might want to call later on- if they really are that stupid.

This televised version doesn't tell us to write down the number or store it in a cell phone or repeat it over and over again until we can get to a phone or take a sharp instrument and carve it into our arms.  Instead, it attempts to win us over with throbbing buzzwords dashing across the screen  and fast talk which we are ordered to listen to "very closely."  Because the stakes are so high, after all.



And here we have another service offering us the opportunity to duck our responsibilities, this one using a billowing American flag which just screams "it's totally patriotic to shift your tax burden on to the sucker tax payers."  Diane C. breathlessly informs us that her $13,500 tax debt was settled for only $400.  Even if Diane C. is being sincere, that means that this bubbleheaded freeloader just handed us a bill for $13,100 or a larger debt.  Gee, thanks Diane C.- pardon me if I don't exactly share your enthusiasm beating the system.

Of course, I don't believe any of this, despite the flag and the insistence that I have "Rights" which include not paying my taxes.  Not even the bizarrely fascistic symbol placed over the flag after Diane C makes her last attempt to sell us on this scam wins me over (it looks like a traffic cop holding a pair of scales with his legs as he makes a Nazi salute, what the hell?)