But only girls need it....

"In fact, SeroVital has ALREADY been featured in National Magazines!"  Well, that settles that.

Seriously?  We are still pitching Human Growth Hormone drugs on low-budget cable commercials?  This snake oil was being peddled back in the 90s by G. Gordon Liddy; never mind that if there was anything at all legitimate behind the magical claims, it would be flying off the shelves at actual drug stores and not being sold to us during commercial breaks for B-movies and television shows that have been off the air since I was in High School.  Give me a break.

Just skip this step and go to the seafood section at Giant

1.  I'd ask if this takes the fun out of fishing, except I've never seen the fun in fishing to begin with.  I mean, I grew up in rural Vermont, five miles from the nearest town.  I've hunted, and I've fished.  I remember the sense of achievement at catching a fish- when I was a kid.  As an adult?  Hmm, not sure.  Going out into the ocean in a boat- yes, I can see that being fun.  Fishing?  Well, as long as I'm there.....

2.  If this twitching electronic lure thing really works, it seems to be that it's the equivalent of a golf ball which zeros in on the hole and goes in every time, or a bowling ball that vibrates violently when it hits the pins, causing all of them to go down, every time.  (Hey, I think I just had a couple of really good ideas....)  In other words, not very much fun.  I think I remember a joke about shooting fish in a barrel which would apply here.   Easy- but not fun.

3.  Why does this thing come with a booklet entitled "the secret to fishing?"  Isn't the magic electronic twitching thing the answer to all my fishing problems?  Why do I need a book?  If I wanted to learn how to be a good fisherman, I wouldn't be buying an electronic twitching lure which attracted too many fish for me to keep up with.  The offer of this booklet is a big red flag for me.

4.  Why do I suspect that even though this thing is allegedly "illegal in some states," no matter what state I call from, I will have no problem getting this company to send it to me (excuse me, send me TWO, because Get A Second One Just Play Separate Shipping And HandlingTM of course?)  Reminds me of those So Scary This Film Is Banned In 200 Countries You've Never Heard Of warnings I used to read on the back of VHS tapes in the 80s.

Cox Internet Mom just wants to be Queen of the Zombies

Here's another very sad commercial which is supposed to be taken as funny (and the YouTube droolers commenting on certainly think it's funny) but which strikes me as being really sad and actually more than a little gross.

The "hero" of the ad is a woman who is getting way too much joy out of the fact that kids swarm to her house to take advantage of her awesome internet access- "we can all be on at the same time."  Just having a bunch of teenagers in the same room with her gives her life meaning, I guess- or at least makes her feel like she's part of the "cool group"  (better late than never?"

Meanwhile, the teens barely acknowledge her existence (or each other's for that matter- after all, what's high-speed internet access for if not to totally ignore the people sitting right next to you?*)  That's ok with Mom- she's enjoying her fantasy life, in which she's Everyone's Favorite Grownup.  Did I say really sad and actually more than a little gross?  Maybe I should have used the word "disturbing."

So the other parents never see their kids because they are always at this woman's house with their eyes glued to their stupid electronics?  That might be sad too, except that those parents would have only slightly more interaction with those kids if they were home, having equipped them with isolating little boxes to stare at instead of oh, I don't know, actually being with family members.

So here's hoping that Wannabee Cool Mom gets some level of affirmation from her high internet bill, sure doesn't look like there's a whole lot going on her life outside a passing connection with her kids' friends and a delusional sense of popularity.  I'd feel sorry for this woman if I was a better person.  Instead I'll just continue to be disgusted by cable companies which sell the lifestyle presented in these ads as normal and desirable.  Ugh.

*I happened to be walking through my old college campus the other day when I came across a group of students sitting in front of the library.  I had a flashback to sitting in just about exactly the same place, with my friends, thirty years ago.  We were chatting about classes and politics and such.  This group was completely silent- and each and every one of them were staring at their phones.  I wonder why they were even together.

Louisville- the unofficial start of my summers of three square meals a day :>)

Since this will be my 9th year in Louisville grading Advanced Placement US History exams, I've actually seen all these things, but I'm looking forward to seeing at least a few of them again the first week of June.  The Louisville Bats have four straight night games scheduled, for example.

I wonder why the fossil beds on the Ohio River aren't included here- but that's ok, fewer crowds.

As usual, I'll do my best to post while I'm gone, but just in case I can't, here's a reminder of why I might not be updating  until June 9th-or why my posts are few and far between until then.  If I can't post, enjoy the archives while I enjoy life at the Galt House and Kentucky International Convention Center reading essays!

Another idea I should have come up with....

Selling a piece of plastic and tin that can be attached to a television for $19.99 plus $15.99 shipping and handling, and throwing in another one for "free" for another $15.99 shipping and handling (because that's where the money REALLY is in these scams- grabbing the customer with the "buy one, get one free" bs.)  Two pieces of plastic and tin for $36 which will allow you to pick up the exact same channels you could get with a pair of rabbit ears available at your local dollar store for maybe $10.

Then again, I have this conscience thing I'd have to deal with.  Stupid conscience thing.

See, it's funny because it's DirectTV and this is America and we really, really suck

It probably says nothing good about me that I'm less freaked out about the guy's half-smile at contemplating the total disintegration of his son (why didn't the crayon scrawls on the wall also vanish, btw?) than I am about the fact that this couple is settling down to watch television while their bored kid is reduced to scribbling on the wall and sunlight is streaming through the windows of their suburban mansion.  Anyone take their kids outside anymore?

Ok, on to the "reconsider that second child" bit, because I know that's the part that's getting most of the reaction.  Yeah, that's a pretty damned horrible thing for Bon Jovi to be singing- I guess the message is that if only this couple had more control over their television, they wouldn't have resorted to sex to pass the time and Ooops No. 2 would never have shown up......and right now they wouldn't be moaning about missing a show while that kid was quietly stewing in the world of despair created by his asshat parents, desperately trying to get their attention the only way he knows how, not yet realizing that not only do they not give a damn about him, but kind of regret that he even exists.

I guess Fox had "fair and balanced" copywrited....

...which is why Dealdash.com went with "Fair and Honest" instead?

The most honest thing about this ad is that is shows a fast-talking young guy conning an old woman into thinking that she can buy expensive electronics for pennies on the dollar by just going to Dealdash.com and "bidding" for them.  I have no problem believing that old people are exceptionally lucrative targets for this sleazy, Really Ought To Be Illegal But Hey Capitalism Equals Freedom After All scam.

Here's how Dealdash works (and if my explanation doesn't cut it with you, please check out any number of YouTube videos demonstrating the bait-and-switch techniques used here:)  Before you go after the "great deals" being offered at "rock-bottom" prices, you have to register your credit card with Dealdash and buy a "package" of "bids" called a "bidpack"--- $36 for sixty bids, or sixty cents a bid.  You can bid on any item as many times as you want-or, rather, until your common sense overtakes your greed or you run out of bids.  If you actually win a $300 tablet for $11, one of two things happened:  either no one else bid against you, or you're lying about winning that tablet, liar.

Far more likely, you bid that tablet from a "starting" price of one cent to $11 and then run out of bids,* at which time that tablet you spent several dollars bidding on goes to an annonymous bidder, and you get an electronic "OOOOOOHHH So Close Better Luck Next Time Sucker" message, with the words "sucker" omitted.  If you have any brain cells left, you chalk it up to Stupid Tax and never go to Dealdash again.  If you are like any of the tools commenting at this particular Youtube video, you buy another pack of bids and start the "fun" all over again.**

PT Barnum was born too early.  In his time, he had to provide some level of real entertainment for the dimes and quarters he squeezed out of the public.  If he could visit this century, he'd be astonished at how easy it is to get real money out of people- usually poor people- while providing absolutely nothing in return.  If he'd been born a hundred and fifty years later than he was, he might have invented Dealdash, but I kind of doubt it- I think Barnum probably had too much integrity for this.

*Every bid- even if it raises the price by one cent, costs the bidder 60 cents.  So it's entirely possible for the bidding price on an item to go from $2.00 to $2.10 while making Dealdash $6.00-- and for a $200 item to finally sell for $20 while making Dealdash a huge profit- a profit built on possibly HUNDREDS of failed bids.

**Click on the names of the "commentators" and you find that each and every one of them is a fake- none of their pages has any content at all.  Dealdash created a page for their commercial, and invented several dozen "satisfied customers" with gushing comments to pump up the interest.  Why is this even legal? Oh yeah, I keep forgetting- because Capitalism.