I bet all these idiots live together, sharing rent in a dumpy one-bedroom in a low-maintenence, absentee-landlord complex

What do you do if you are an overeducated college graduate with $200,000 in student loan debt in a stagnant service economy or an undereducated High School dropout with no debt but also absolutely no promising career options in that same stagnant service economy?

Why, you form a "team" of giddy Ikea employees and live vicariously through the lives of the much more successful customers you've been hired to make their lives better through budget home improvement, of course!

Seriously, maybe it's just because I'm a pretty lousy human being, but I just can't understand how the Ikea wage slaves in these ads could get so damned excited about using someone else's money to make someone else's life just a little more comfortable.  Is it just the added bonus of being in commercials? I sure hope so.  Because man, if you get this hyped at adding a tiny shred of happiness to the lives of already-spoiled brats who can't come up with the simplest home makeover ideas on their own, your existence really is as pointless as you realize it is in your fleeting moments of self-reflection.

I totally buy the All-American part.

The All-American Bacon Boss is the perfect addition to any kitchen owned by people who have this insane idea that it would be a good thing if they could get their kids to EAT MORE BACON.  Seriously, the guy in this ad talks about bacon like sane people talk about fruits and vegetables- "I love bacon, but it never comes out right, so I'm deprived- if ONLY their was a way to make bacon part of my daily diet!"

The All-American Bacon Boss uses a Patented Compressing Technology (some people would call it a screw) to flatten the bacon and extract it's oils during cooking (some people would call this "squeezing."  And some people might want to get on the phone to George Foreman to let him know that the makers of the All-American Bacon Boss are copying the same "press to get the grease to come out during cooking" his grill uses and are claiming that they've invented the wheel in the process.

I must say, none of the people in this ad seem especially impressed with the bacon produced by the All-American Bacon Boss.  Pretty much the only response we get from anyone here is a quiet affirmation that yes, after giving this a taste, we can all agree that it's fried pork.  Even though it's not raw or burned and there's no mess like all those other times Mom and Dad made an effort to provide us with life-shortening porcine products.

The rest of this ad is two minutes of ideas on how to serve up pig fat, including turning it into candy or sticking it into drinks.  Which again is all awesome if you've been struggling to find creative ways into getting more visible lard into your diet.  Why you've been doing that, I have no idea.  Oh wait, yes I do.  Because America.

Because nothing says "Road Trip" like "Alcohol."

Now I feel guilty because I've never thanked my father for my life by showing up randomly with a bottle of hard liquor to help him finish off his liver in style.

I just don't understand this at all.

But only girls need it....

"In fact, SeroVital has ALREADY been featured in National Magazines!"  Well, that settles that.

Seriously?  We are still pitching Human Growth Hormone drugs on low-budget cable commercials?  This snake oil was being peddled back in the 90s by G. Gordon Liddy; never mind that if there was anything at all legitimate behind the magical claims, it would be flying off the shelves at actual drug stores and not being sold to us during commercial breaks for B-movies and television shows that have been off the air since I was in High School.  Give me a break.

Just skip this step and go to the seafood section at Giant

1.  I'd ask if this takes the fun out of fishing, except I've never seen the fun in fishing to begin with.  I mean, I grew up in rural Vermont, five miles from the nearest town.  I've hunted, and I've fished.  I remember the sense of achievement at catching a fish- when I was a kid.  As an adult?  Hmm, not sure.  Going out into the ocean in a boat- yes, I can see that being fun.  Fishing?  Well, as long as I'm there.....

2.  If this twitching electronic lure thing really works, it seems to be that it's the equivalent of a golf ball which zeros in on the hole and goes in every time, or a bowling ball that vibrates violently when it hits the pins, causing all of them to go down, every time.  (Hey, I think I just had a couple of really good ideas....)  In other words, not very much fun.  I think I remember a joke about shooting fish in a barrel which would apply here.   Easy- but not fun.

3.  Why does this thing come with a booklet entitled "the secret to fishing?"  Isn't the magic electronic twitching thing the answer to all my fishing problems?  Why do I need a book?  If I wanted to learn how to be a good fisherman, I wouldn't be buying an electronic twitching lure which attracted too many fish for me to keep up with.  The offer of this booklet is a big red flag for me.

4.  Why do I suspect that even though this thing is allegedly "illegal in some states," no matter what state I call from, I will have no problem getting this company to send it to me (excuse me, send me TWO, because Get A Second One Just Play Separate Shipping And HandlingTM of course?)  Reminds me of those So Scary This Film Is Banned In 200 Countries You've Never Heard Of warnings I used to read on the back of VHS tapes in the 80s.

Cox Internet Mom just wants to be Queen of the Zombies

Here's another very sad commercial which is supposed to be taken as funny (and the YouTube droolers commenting on certainly think it's funny) but which strikes me as being really sad and actually more than a little gross.

The "hero" of the ad is a woman who is getting way too much joy out of the fact that kids swarm to her house to take advantage of her awesome internet access- "we can all be on at the same time."  Just having a bunch of teenagers in the same room with her gives her life meaning, I guess- or at least makes her feel like she's part of the "cool group"  (better late than never?"

Meanwhile, the teens barely acknowledge her existence (or each other's for that matter- after all, what's high-speed internet access for if not to totally ignore the people sitting right next to you?*)  That's ok with Mom- she's enjoying her fantasy life, in which she's Everyone's Favorite Grownup.  Did I say really sad and actually more than a little gross?  Maybe I should have used the word "disturbing."

So the other parents never see their kids because they are always at this woman's house with their eyes glued to their stupid electronics?  That might be sad too, except that those parents would have only slightly more interaction with those kids if they were home, having equipped them with isolating little boxes to stare at instead of oh, I don't know, actually being with family members.

So here's hoping that Wannabee Cool Mom gets some level of affirmation from her high internet bill, sure doesn't look like there's a whole lot going on her life outside a passing connection with her kids' friends and a delusional sense of popularity.  I'd feel sorry for this woman if I was a better person.  Instead I'll just continue to be disgusted by cable companies which sell the lifestyle presented in these ads as normal and desirable.  Ugh.

*I happened to be walking through my old college campus the other day when I came across a group of students sitting in front of the library.  I had a flashback to sitting in just about exactly the same place, with my friends, thirty years ago.  We were chatting about classes and politics and such.  This group was completely silent- and each and every one of them were staring at their phones.  I wonder why they were even together.

Louisville- the unofficial start of my summers of three square meals a day :>)

Since this will be my 9th year in Louisville grading Advanced Placement US History exams, I've actually seen all these things, but I'm looking forward to seeing at least a few of them again the first week of June.  The Louisville Bats have four straight night games scheduled, for example.

I wonder why the fossil beds on the Ohio River aren't included here- but that's ok, fewer crowds.

As usual, I'll do my best to post while I'm gone, but just in case I can't, here's a reminder of why I might not be updating  until June 9th-or why my posts are few and far between until then.  If I can't post, enjoy the archives while I enjoy life at the Galt House and Kentucky International Convention Center reading essays!