23andMeandMoneyburningaholeinmypocket.com

I guess this is what you do when you've exhausted the "leafs" you can find under your name on Ancestory.com-- take the next step in digital navel-gazing by sending a vial of spit to this company so they can let you know where your dead relatives lived once.  And then sit back and genuflect on how totally awesome it is that you've received confirmation that once upon a time people you share genetic code with wandered around on the other side of the planet, never realizing that some day one of their ancestors would be a bored, self-indulgent idiot willing to spend money to confirm that they did not spring from the head of Zeus but are actually related to people who are now dead.

Now be sure to post all of this fascinating "information" on Facebook, because gosh all your virtual friends really, really want to know.  And when you wake up in a cold sweat realizing that you just PAID to hand a DNA sample over to a private company, well, I suggest warm milk to help you get back to sleep.  If that doesn't work, try Ancestory.com again- they are always updating those leafs, you know.

When the Oxygen....err, Internet....is cut off

I remember watching a movie once in which a group of people were trapped in an abandoned bomb shelter and realized that they didn't have any water and were going to slowly die of thirst.  The growing sense of panic they felt at the approach of imminent death never reached the level experienced by the people in this ad as they attempt to come to grips with the fact that OMIGOD THE INTERNET IS OUT IF THIS KEEPS UP I MIGHT HAVE TO TALK TO THESE PEOPLE I SHARE A HOUSE WITH.

Seriously, this is beyond disgusting.  Here we have a "family" of genetically related knobs who are all sitting around with their own electronic devices desperate to remain "connected" with the outside world so that they can continue to ignore the people sitting a few feet away.  I know this is supposed to be exaggeration and all (they end up actually spying on their still-connected neighbor- that doesn't happen in real life, right?)  but why would anyone find this scene funny or entertaining, let alone anything you'd want to emulate in your own home?  If I were to walk into my house and find wife and kids all sitting in various places staring at their own screens- and then freaking out when the "service" is interrupted- instead of interacting like I kind of thought families were supposed to (and generally wanted to?- I don't think my response would be "oh, the internet is out?"  I think it would be more like "the internet is way, way too important in this house.  Let's work on this."

But maybe I'm just not of this world.  After all, I don't have a wife and kids and I don't live in a massive house and I don't have DVR which allows me to record six shows while watching a seventh and store away 7000 hours of television for "later," and I don't have a smart phone I can watch television on when I'm out of the house and which can give me instant answers to every question that pops into my head.  When the internet goes down there are still books to read and people to talk to using my voice and not my fingers.   And I don't find any of these "Better Get Reliable Internet Or You'll See This In Your Home" ads anything but depressing.

Just a few things about this Ring Doorbell system....

1.  There is simply no way that the video is as good in real life as it appears in this ad, sorry.  Not buying it.

2.  The video-doorbell is pretty distinctive-looking.  It seems to me that professional thieves will quickly learn to totally ignore it when they hear the voice of a person pretending to be home.

3.  This is the second ad for this device that features someone telling the person at the door "we are busy bathing the children right now."  I guess this is the only thing they could come up with as an excuse not to come to the door- bathing children?  Why not just "I'm busy right now?"  Who feels the need to make up a plausible excuse for a total stranger at the door?

4.  That woman sure looks delighted to have the opportunity to use the rewind feature of her Ring video doorbell sytem  to show a friend that.....a dog just took a dump on her lawn.  Seriously, THAT'S the way she uses the rewind feature.  I'm sure the friend really, really appreciated being shown that instead of just being told.

5.  Why do the people who own these systems feel they have the right to monitor then entire street in front of their houses?  It looks as though this camera could be used to look into the houses of neighbors.

I guess this is better than the "if you don't have a high-tech Security Alert system with 24/7 monitoring, someone is going to break down your door in broad daylight and murder you" ads.  But not much, because it's still peddling a pretty intensive level of paranoia.  Hey, greasy people toasting yourselves with enormous glasses of wine?  You aren't that special, sorry.

Ugh. Just pay your damn taxes, scofflaws!

"If you owe the IRS $10,000 or more in back taxes, you are probably feeling the stress, anxiety, and fear that comes naturally to people who ignore their obligations to pay their fair share year to year and who figure that, eventually, the free ride is going to come to an end and the Big Bad IRS is going to demand that you stop making others carry your burden.  For some reason, we are expected to feel sorry for you."

"Inexplicably, we are also expected to feel sorry for you when you chomp like a starving bass at bait like this commercial, and hand over even more money you don't have to a Tax Dodging Service, like all the phony people with initials instead of last names who claim that with one phone call to this Very Friendly and Knowledgeable Company they managed to get their perfectly legitimate tax burden reduced by 95%, when you find yourself in even bigger trouble with the IRS and with less money than you would have had if you had just called the Treasury Department and come clean, morons."

"Personally, if you fall for this ad and throw your money at this bs 'service,' I think you get exactly what you deserve, deadbeat.  May sound mean, but as someone who pays his taxes on time all the time and doesn't look to skip out on my responsibility as a citizen of this country, that's how it is."

Unless he's in a bomb shelter and Armageddon has arrived, there's simply no excuse for this

I just gotta ask- if not for Amazon Fire TV, what was the most likely scenerio for the guy in this ad- opening a book, or committing suicide?

Earth to the People of Earth:  When you find yourself having no idea how to get on with your life between seasons of your favorite show, television has become way, way too important to you.  Instead of being in a "show hole," imagine if this ad had depicted a man trapped in an airplane on a six-hour flight and suffering withdrawal symptoms because he badly wants a cigarette.  Or suffering from the DTs because he forgot to pick up some cash and the liquor service can't check credit cards.  Would anyone think there was anything funny about it?

The guy in this ad is sitting in a dark room, all by himself (except that his best friend, the television, has suddenly stopped servicing him.)  He has lost his reason to live because Game of Thrones is on hiatus.  I wonder if he ever expected more from the world than this.  Fortunately for him, Amazon is not going to make him think about it for very long, 'cause Look More Stuff To Watch Wow That Was Close You Almost Actually Got Up.  Ugh, this is sad.

Four more dollops of joy from Reddi Wip

Commercial No. 1- Never mind the weird casting (is this guy the woman's husband, or father, or what?  They don't even look like they really even know eachother, let alone should be sitting at a table together) or setup (is this breakfast- he looks like he just woke up, she looks like she's taking a break from the office.)  Let's just jump to the fact that the guy here seems to be adding Reddi Wip to everything simply because it's there and he enjoys squirting it.  Where the hell does he get off adding it to the woman's fruit bowl- the can was just sitting there.  Isn't it safe to assume that it was perfectly visible to the woman and if she had wanted some on her fruit, she would have added it herself?  And what's the deal with her reaction- she looks annoyed, and resigned, and satisfied all at the same time.  What the hell?  Enough is NOT said here- and I don't think I've ever made that comment about any other commercial.

Commercial No. 2-   Why is the dad here sneaking downstairs?  Is he afraid that Mommy will catch him "stealing" a cookie from Santa, or what?  There's something really weird about a scene featuring Dad sneaking around in his own house.  And why was there a can of Reddi Wip just sitting out there- isn't this stuff supposed to be refrigerated?  Was it left out just in case Santa wanted to add it to his cookies and cocoa?  So the adult in this ad actually believes in Santa?

And wouldn't it have been a much better response to "what are you doing" for Dad to say "I'm eating a cookie that I bought and which is in my own house, go back to bed" instead of stupidly slathering his face with Reddi Wip?  Why does Dad owe an explanation to this kid (who is too old to believe in Santa, but gotta blame this on Dad) at all?  GO BACK TO BED.

Commercial No. 3- why are the two males in this house acting like starving dogs who haven't been fed in days?  And does food deprivation really make one's sense of hearing so acute that the slight gas-release sound made by a Reddi Wip can be detected on the other side of closed doors?  Please.

Commercial No. 4- this idiot kid's eye-rolling about being at the kid's table must have made him an absolute delight to his fellow kids.  I'm sure they were so happy when he came back because he found out that only kids were getting Reddi Wip on their pie.....but why was this the case?  We've already seen that adults like Reddi Wip at least as much as kids to.  The message of this ad- "being an adult is overrated"- clearly suggests that Reddi Wip is something we are expected to outgrow.  It's not for grown-ups.  But that message contradicts what we saw in the other ads.

I know, I know.  I think about this stuff way too much.

I wonder why I didn't get to this Reddi-Wip Commercial back in 2009.....

Why does this restaurant keep a container of Not Reddi Wip available if it's waitresses are going to bad-mouth it and do their best to convince customers to choose Reddi Wip instead?

Why is the waitress here determined to convince the customer to pick Reddi Wip?  Does she just love the noise Reddi Wip makes when it's applied to pie?  Does she hate the idea of opening that Not Reddi Wip carton?  Or does she just love being a condescending pain in the butt (seriously, just put the damn topping on my pie already?)

What if the woman had said "Oil?"  Would the waitress have then responded to the question "where can I freshen up?" with "restroom, or dumpster in the back alley?"