You "couldn't afford" that trip to Europe because you had to save up for a box?

Wow, it's more than a little depressing to be treated to a slide show of grinning idiots who seemed thrilled to death (no pun intended) that they've bought insurance so they can be absolutely sure that when grandma and grampa kick off they'll get the solid gold casket and ostentatious party they think they deserve.

Because sure, you could leave that "average" expense of Final Burial ($7500, or $8300, depending on which of these vulture-produced commercials you watch) to your loved ones and just sign up in advance with a hospital which will cremate you for free in exchange for any organs you are willing to donate, or just leave your entire body to science, but wow that gold box nobody will ever see again after the funeral sure looks awesome before they throw dirt on it, and after eighty years or so of toil you kind of had your heart set on a parade lead by a long black car followed by your family legally running red lights.

So to hell with the actual needs of those loved ones.  Sure, $7500 would make a great start to a grandkid's college fund, but what's that to you?  Long black car.  Gold box with velvet lining (because your corpse is really going to appreciate the softness, right?)  Don't leave these expenses to those loved ones (because if they have any brains, they'll skip all this showy crap for a private little get-together with sandwiches, liquor, a few tears, and a box of You sitting on a table.)  Get this insurance so your family can waste an entire day of their own fleeting lives engaged in a stupid medieval ceremony which just leaves them mildly irritated rather than financially stretched.

I'm not sure what "Presence" means, but apparently it can be bought, so I probably can't afford it anyway

I don't see any "people" in this ad, let alone people whose "presence" or "gravitas" is available to be judged by the viewer.  All I see is yet another commercial for an Audi LookAtMeI'mBetterThanYouMobile and all I hear is yet another Brit droning away at me about why owning a certain car (not just being able to afford one) simply makes you a more substantial person than someone who doesn't.

You see, owning this particular car gives you "presence."  Which makes sense, I suppose, if you plan to leave it parked ostentatiously in the driveway or beep the horn several times as you approach every parking space, so that the plebians will turn and see who gets out of it.  Because after all, if you aren't actually IN the car, how do us non-Audi-owning worms know who we are supposed to respect for their superior Gravitas and Presence?  And if we are just admiring the car for ITS presence, well, what good does that do the rich schmuck who dropped more than I make in a year on its purchase?  Should the owner drive around with his windows down so we can associate him with the awesomeness (and Gravitas) of his automobile?  Should he refrain from sucking down a Slurpee while driving, because I can definitely see that detracting from the effect.

Let's be honest about what these cars are- like mountain-sized pickup trucks and Humvees owned by suburbanites with no actual cargo larger than kids and groceries to haul, they are glaringly obvious compensation for insecure idiots with money burning holes in their pockets and no sense of social responsibility.  Who are impressed by British accents and the theory that they can instantly become more important and worthy of respect by driving a particular car- sure it's expensive, but actually doing something worthy of notice- let alone Gravitas and Presence- takes actual effort.

Um, it's a sales event. That was easy, Audi

Seriously, Audi, if you think that producing a car that can distract people away from the beach makes that car a "Force of Nature," you must also think that cell phones are a "Force of Nature."  Because every year I spent a week at the beach and see thousands of people ignoring beautiful sand and water (and their kids) in order to stare at their stupid phones.  In fact, I regularly see people trip and fall, or bump into each other, or nearly get hit by cars on the boardwalk, because they can't take their eyes off those phones.

So, sorry.  Being able to distract people doesn't make Audi a "Force of Nature."  It makes it what it already was- a ridiculously expensive toy for the One Percent to use to remind the other people on the road that there's a One Percent that can afford to buy Audis- and we aren't among them.

For the past five years, Daughter has fantasized about this thing getting totalled and replaced by an Audi

What are we looking at at the end of this nauseating spoonful of treacle called a Subaru ad?  Is it now 2032, and the family's new Subaru looks exactly like the old one, meaning the company has introduced absolutely no innovations in sixteen years?  Or is it 2016, and the daughter is being handed a 16-year old Subaru which has magically avoided even the hint of usage- no scratches, no dings- other filthy back seats which apparently NEVER got vacuumed, seeing as the father can pick junk from decades ago off the carpets?

And either way, how does the daughter age 16 years while scruffy hipster doofus dad doesn't age a single DAY?  The admakers couldn't even add a touch of grey to that mop he's wearing on his chin?  And that's another thing- if this is 16 years in the future, and full beards are going to be the style for men in 2032, I am not at all sure I want to live to see it.

This commercial would have had a better ending if it featured Daughter responding to the "gift" of the family Subaru with "um....thanks, dad.  No WiFi capability.  No Bluetooth.  No Sirius XM.  No GPS.  No built-in DVD.  Just an AM/FM radio and built-in cupholders for four.  Wow, I'm going to show really great in the HS parking lot with this ancient LameMobile."

Three successful, well-known icons of their trade....and Kevin Nealon?

1.  Didn't lightning used to kill people on golf courses?  Why doesn't that happen anymore?

2,  Did these guys all meet in a Facebook group--"Rich guys who like to play golf and who also take Xerelto?"

3.  Is anything in this ad believable at all?  I don't buy that these guys are friends, or that they enjoy babbling away about this drug they are taking.  And I sure as hell don't buy the idea that they think Kevin Nealon is at all funny, let alone hi-LARIOUS like they pretend to do here.

4.  I'm sure the waitress at the club is just thrilled with the antics of this group of overpaid morons.  What's a "Kevin Nealon?"  Given the arc of his career, I'm guessing it's a glass of flat Diet Coke.

5.  And again....one of these guys does not belong.  I'm pretty sure I know who isn't picking up the check.

23andMeandMoneyburningaholeinmypocket.com

I guess this is what you do when you've exhausted the "leafs" you can find under your name on Ancestory.com-- take the next step in digital navel-gazing by sending a vial of spit to this company so they can let you know where your dead relatives lived once.  And then sit back and genuflect on how totally awesome it is that you've received confirmation that once upon a time people you share genetic code with wandered around on the other side of the planet, never realizing that some day one of their ancestors would be a bored, self-indulgent idiot willing to spend money to confirm that they did not spring from the head of Zeus but are actually related to people who are now dead.

Now be sure to post all of this fascinating "information" on Facebook, because gosh all your virtual friends really, really want to know.  And when you wake up in a cold sweat realizing that you just PAID to hand a DNA sample over to a private company, well, I suggest warm milk to help you get back to sleep.  If that doesn't work, try Ancestory.com again- they are always updating those leafs, you know.

When the Oxygen....err, Internet....is cut off

I remember watching a movie once in which a group of people were trapped in an abandoned bomb shelter and realized that they didn't have any water and were going to slowly die of thirst.  The growing sense of panic they felt at the approach of imminent death never reached the level experienced by the people in this ad as they attempt to come to grips with the fact that OMIGOD THE INTERNET IS OUT IF THIS KEEPS UP I MIGHT HAVE TO TALK TO THESE PEOPLE I SHARE A HOUSE WITH.

Seriously, this is beyond disgusting.  Here we have a "family" of genetically related knobs who are all sitting around with their own electronic devices desperate to remain "connected" with the outside world so that they can continue to ignore the people sitting a few feet away.  I know this is supposed to be exaggeration and all (they end up actually spying on their still-connected neighbor- that doesn't happen in real life, right?)  but why would anyone find this scene funny or entertaining, let alone anything you'd want to emulate in your own home?  If I were to walk into my house and find wife and kids all sitting in various places staring at their own screens- and then freaking out when the "service" is interrupted- instead of interacting like I kind of thought families were supposed to (and generally wanted to?- I don't think my response would be "oh, the internet is out?"  I think it would be more like "the internet is way, way too important in this house.  Let's work on this."

But maybe I'm just not of this world.  After all, I don't have a wife and kids and I don't live in a massive house and I don't have DVR which allows me to record six shows while watching a seventh and store away 7000 hours of television for "later," and I don't have a smart phone I can watch television on when I'm out of the house and which can give me instant answers to every question that pops into my head.  When the internet goes down there are still books to read and people to talk to using my voice and not my fingers.   And I don't find any of these "Better Get Reliable Internet Or You'll See This In Your Home" ads anything but depressing.