This Dollar Shave Club Commercial Really Happened

I'd like to apologize to Geico for once calling one of their ads sexist.

I'd like to apologize to Dish TV for once calling one of their ads sexist.

In fact, I'd like to apologize to any company I've ever criticized for running what I considered to be a sexist ad.  But in my defense, I had yet to see THIS ad.

If I had ever considered joining the Dollar Shave Club, this ad would have thrown that idea right out the window.  I wouldn't come near this company now, out of principle.

That's all.  I simply cannot believe this keeps showing up on my television.  In 2016.

Oh come on, even I've owned one of these things!

If this guy gets sexually excited and falls into a fantasy world when he sees a freaking Honda Civic, I'm almost afraid of what his reaction would be to an Audi.  Or a good-looking woman.

Other than the Overbearing Stupid Presented Because Car Commercials Just Can't Be Car Commercials Anymore, this is really just another version of "Our Dream Customer" brought to us this time by Honda:  Doofus with no sense of how to shop for a car walks into a showroom and instantly begins to fantasize about owning the first car he sees in such an obvious manner that the salesman lucky enough to get to him first really doesn't have to do anything other than hand him a pen and guide his paralyzed-with-ectasy fingers to the correct line on the contract.   Gas Mileage? Warranty?  Terms?  Who gives a damn, it's a shiny new car and I simply must have it now now now. Gross.

This is your life, for as long as you can keep the wrinkles away....

This is your morning.  Get up while it's still dark and leave the guy you sold yourself to in bed.  Don't make too much noise, he has no reason get up.  But you sure do.

This is the house and lifestyle you sold yourself for.  It's not any port in a storm.  It's not even a palatial estate. It's a ridiculously pretentious mansion- but hey, you're cute, and you were never going to come cheap, were you?

This is your workout.  Get your butt on that bike as the sun begins to creep over the mountains and start sweating, honey.  Work those abs and sweat off that 1 percent body fat he may very well notice if you keep it around for another day.  Because this is the way any woman would want to start her morning, right?

This is the rest of your day.  Greet the kids you gave that guy.  Yes, you were cute and available, so you passed the first test.  The second test was being fertile.  The third was to keep being cute and tight.  Doesn't hurt if you have breakfast on the table on time every day, either.

This is your life. Keep quiet and fertile and toned, and you get to keep that house, Trophy Wife.  Maybe it's not a bad bargain for you.  I don't know your circumstances.  But when the sun isn't quite up tomorrow and you realize it's time to kill yourself trying to stay in your early-20s while your husband blissfully ages at a respectable pace and you really don't want to, just remember- babysitters come in Cute, and sometimes they are looking for any port in a storm, and that really is some house.  I bet that will be motivation enough.

Chevy's got a problem: Even the YouTube morons aren't buying this anymore

Look, just because the people gathered for the "focus group" are vapid, grinning idiots who are clearly so thrilled at the prospect of appearing on television that they really don't care what they are told to say or what stupid look they have to stick on their extremely punchable faces, it doesn't mean that we the viewers are going to be impressed with the "Real People, Not Actors" disclaimer.  Yeah, we KNOW they aren't actors. That's obvious.  We also know that they are Real People- real dumb, desperate-for-attention, totally corporate whore people.  With scripts.  That's very obvious.

And it couldn't be more obvious that these Real People Not Actors didn't actually buy for a minute that their cell phones were being thrown into a woodchipper- or, if they did, all knew damn well that this was all being done for a commercial (the cameras might have tipped them off) and would be rewarded with brand-new cell phone upgrades.

In fact, that brings up an interesting point- at the moment these tools saw their phones being grounded up, I bet they all thought that the ad was for the new Apple iPhone XII and for being such good sports, they were going to be handed complementary phones.  Instead, they were confused out of their admittedly limited minds by being told that their phones were actually safe but Hey Here's A Car We Aren't Giving You Thanks For Coming.  At which point, I wish they had just eaten this grinning jackass.

You "couldn't afford" that trip to Europe because you had to save up for a box?

Wow, it's more than a little depressing to be treated to a slide show of grinning idiots who seemed thrilled to death (no pun intended) that they've bought insurance so they can be absolutely sure that when grandma and grampa kick off they'll get the solid gold casket and ostentatious party they think they deserve.

Because sure, you could leave that "average" expense of Final Burial ($7500, or $8300, depending on which of these vulture-produced commercials you watch) to your loved ones and just sign up in advance with a hospital which will cremate you for free in exchange for any organs you are willing to donate, or just leave your entire body to science, but wow that gold box nobody will ever see again after the funeral sure looks awesome before they throw dirt on it, and after eighty years or so of toil you kind of had your heart set on a parade lead by a long black car followed by your family legally running red lights.

So to hell with the actual needs of those loved ones.  Sure, $7500 would make a great start to a grandkid's college fund, but what's that to you?  Long black car.  Gold box with velvet lining (because your corpse is really going to appreciate the softness, right?)  Don't leave these expenses to those loved ones (because if they have any brains, they'll skip all this showy crap for a private little get-together with sandwiches, liquor, a few tears, and a box of You sitting on a table.)  Get this insurance so your family can waste an entire day of their own fleeting lives engaged in a stupid medieval ceremony which just leaves them mildly irritated rather than financially stretched.

I'm not sure what "Presence" means, but apparently it can be bought, so I probably can't afford it anyway

I don't see any "people" in this ad, let alone people whose "presence" or "gravitas" is available to be judged by the viewer.  All I see is yet another commercial for an Audi LookAtMeI'mBetterThanYouMobile and all I hear is yet another Brit droning away at me about why owning a certain car (not just being able to afford one) simply makes you a more substantial person than someone who doesn't.

You see, owning this particular car gives you "presence."  Which makes sense, I suppose, if you plan to leave it parked ostentatiously in the driveway or beep the horn several times as you approach every parking space, so that the plebians will turn and see who gets out of it.  Because after all, if you aren't actually IN the car, how do us non-Audi-owning worms know who we are supposed to respect for their superior Gravitas and Presence?  And if we are just admiring the car for ITS presence, well, what good does that do the rich schmuck who dropped more than I make in a year on its purchase?  Should the owner drive around with his windows down so we can associate him with the awesomeness (and Gravitas) of his automobile?  Should he refrain from sucking down a Slurpee while driving, because I can definitely see that detracting from the effect.

Let's be honest about what these cars are- like mountain-sized pickup trucks and Humvees owned by suburbanites with no actual cargo larger than kids and groceries to haul, they are glaringly obvious compensation for insecure idiots with money burning holes in their pockets and no sense of social responsibility.  Who are impressed by British accents and the theory that they can instantly become more important and worthy of respect by driving a particular car- sure it's expensive, but actually doing something worthy of notice- let alone Gravitas and Presence- takes actual effort.

Um, it's a sales event. That was easy, Audi

Seriously, Audi, if you think that producing a car that can distract people away from the beach makes that car a "Force of Nature," you must also think that cell phones are a "Force of Nature."  Because every year I spent a week at the beach and see thousands of people ignoring beautiful sand and water (and their kids) in order to stare at their stupid phones.  In fact, I regularly see people trip and fall, or bump into each other, or nearly get hit by cars on the boardwalk, because they can't take their eyes off those phones.

So, sorry.  Being able to distract people doesn't make Audi a "Force of Nature."  It makes it what it already was- a ridiculously expensive toy for the One Percent to use to remind the other people on the road that there's a One Percent that can afford to buy Audis- and we aren't among them.