These ACE Hardware Store ads don't deserve any more than this

Ace Hardware wins this year's Cute Idea Beaten To Death With Repetition Award.  Call it the Commercial version of the Razzies.

OH MY GOD DID THIS GET OLD FAST!

That's it.  Except to mention that I'll be away for the annual family vacation at the beach until next Saturday night, so please enjoy the archives until then!

Please explain this McDonald's ad to me?

I guess the message of this ad is that two professional lobster fisherman would actually finish a day of catching lobsters with a trip to McDonalds to eat what that "restaurant" laughingly refers to as it's Lobster Roll.  It reminds me of those stupid cereal ads which show people working all day at filling boxes with Honey Bunches of Oats or whatever and then sitting down to eat the stuff.  As if the food you are preparing for hours every day would actually be the same food you'd want to eat when the day is done.  Please.

But then again, the lobster in a McDonalds lobster roll probably tastes so dramatically different from the lobster you'd get at any decent seafood restaurant, maybe that really isn't a problem.

But no matter how many times I watch this mess, I simply cannot understand how it ends.  It looks as if the kid is about to reach for his lobster roll, and his dad gives him a "yeah, I can't believe we are eating this crap, either" look.  And then the kid gives a half-smile and resigned "well, we can't afford to actually eat the lobsters we catch, it's pretty sad but this is the best we can do" look right back.  But maybe I'm just misinterpreting?

This Dollar Shave Club Commercial Really Happened

I'd like to apologize to Geico for once calling one of their ads sexist.

I'd like to apologize to Dish TV for once calling one of their ads sexist.

In fact, I'd like to apologize to any company I've ever criticized for running what I considered to be a sexist ad.  But in my defense, I had yet to see THIS ad.

If I had ever considered joining the Dollar Shave Club, this ad would have thrown that idea right out the window.  I wouldn't come near this company now, out of principle.

That's all.  I simply cannot believe this keeps showing up on my television.  In 2016.

Oh come on, even I've owned one of these things!

If this guy gets sexually excited and falls into a fantasy world when he sees a freaking Honda Civic, I'm almost afraid of what his reaction would be to an Audi.  Or a good-looking woman.

Other than the Overbearing Stupid Presented Because Car Commercials Just Can't Be Car Commercials Anymore, this is really just another version of "Our Dream Customer" brought to us this time by Honda:  Doofus with no sense of how to shop for a car walks into a showroom and instantly begins to fantasize about owning the first car he sees in such an obvious manner that the salesman lucky enough to get to him first really doesn't have to do anything other than hand him a pen and guide his paralyzed-with-ectasy fingers to the correct line on the contract.   Gas Mileage? Warranty?  Terms?  Who gives a damn, it's a shiny new car and I simply must have it now now now. Gross.

This is your life, for as long as you can keep the wrinkles away....

This is your morning.  Get up while it's still dark and leave the guy you sold yourself to in bed.  Don't make too much noise, he has no reason get up.  But you sure do.

This is the house and lifestyle you sold yourself for.  It's not any port in a storm.  It's not even a palatial estate. It's a ridiculously pretentious mansion- but hey, you're cute, and you were never going to come cheap, were you?

This is your workout.  Get your butt on that bike as the sun begins to creep over the mountains and start sweating, honey.  Work those abs and sweat off that 1 percent body fat he may very well notice if you keep it around for another day.  Because this is the way any woman would want to start her morning, right?

This is the rest of your day.  Greet the kids you gave that guy.  Yes, you were cute and available, so you passed the first test.  The second test was being fertile.  The third was to keep being cute and tight.  Doesn't hurt if you have breakfast on the table on time every day, either.

This is your life. Keep quiet and fertile and toned, and you get to keep that house, Trophy Wife.  Maybe it's not a bad bargain for you.  I don't know your circumstances.  But when the sun isn't quite up tomorrow and you realize it's time to kill yourself trying to stay in your early-20s while your husband blissfully ages at a respectable pace and you really don't want to, just remember- babysitters come in Cute, and sometimes they are looking for any port in a storm, and that really is some house.  I bet that will be motivation enough.

Chevy's got a problem: Even the YouTube morons aren't buying this anymore

Look, just because the people gathered for the "focus group" are vapid, grinning idiots who are clearly so thrilled at the prospect of appearing on television that they really don't care what they are told to say or what stupid look they have to stick on their extremely punchable faces, it doesn't mean that we the viewers are going to be impressed with the "Real People, Not Actors" disclaimer.  Yeah, we KNOW they aren't actors. That's obvious.  We also know that they are Real People- real dumb, desperate-for-attention, totally corporate whore people.  With scripts.  That's very obvious.

And it couldn't be more obvious that these Real People Not Actors didn't actually buy for a minute that their cell phones were being thrown into a woodchipper- or, if they did, all knew damn well that this was all being done for a commercial (the cameras might have tipped them off) and would be rewarded with brand-new cell phone upgrades.

In fact, that brings up an interesting point- at the moment these tools saw their phones being grounded up, I bet they all thought that the ad was for the new Apple iPhone XII and for being such good sports, they were going to be handed complementary phones.  Instead, they were confused out of their admittedly limited minds by being told that their phones were actually safe but Hey Here's A Car We Aren't Giving You Thanks For Coming.  At which point, I wish they had just eaten this grinning jackass.

You "couldn't afford" that trip to Europe because you had to save up for a box?

Wow, it's more than a little depressing to be treated to a slide show of grinning idiots who seemed thrilled to death (no pun intended) that they've bought insurance so they can be absolutely sure that when grandma and grampa kick off they'll get the solid gold casket and ostentatious party they think they deserve.

Because sure, you could leave that "average" expense of Final Burial ($7500, or $8300, depending on which of these vulture-produced commercials you watch) to your loved ones and just sign up in advance with a hospital which will cremate you for free in exchange for any organs you are willing to donate, or just leave your entire body to science, but wow that gold box nobody will ever see again after the funeral sure looks awesome before they throw dirt on it, and after eighty years or so of toil you kind of had your heart set on a parade lead by a long black car followed by your family legally running red lights.

So to hell with the actual needs of those loved ones.  Sure, $7500 would make a great start to a grandkid's college fund, but what's that to you?  Long black car.  Gold box with velvet lining (because your corpse is really going to appreciate the softness, right?)  Don't leave these expenses to those loved ones (because if they have any brains, they'll skip all this showy crap for a private little get-together with sandwiches, liquor, a few tears, and a box of You sitting on a table.)  Get this insurance so your family can waste an entire day of their own fleeting lives engaged in a stupid medieval ceremony which just leaves them mildly irritated rather than financially stretched.