The Saddest AT&T Commercial Yet

No matter what you do, no matter where you go, and no matter who you are with, never ever EVER be without your electronic security blanket and never, ever EVER stop staring at that stupid glowing screen, you pathetic techo-addicted zombies.

You all make me sick to my stomach and so very glad that I did not grow up in the world I find myself living in now.

Maybe my most cynical post yet, inspired by Huggies

If Hugs were, in fact, "the best cure of all," they would be covered in the United States by gold-plated insurance plans affordable only to the one percent.  For the rest of us, they would be sold in tiny quantities at ruinous prices at your local pharmacy, and available only through a prescription provided by a specialist you can't afford to see unless- you guessed it- you've got that gold-plated insurance plan.  The government would be forbidden by law to negotiate the price of Hugs, and they would NOT be part of any basic health coverage because the Supreme Court ruled otherwise in the case of Hobby Lobby v. Humanity.

Or, of course, you could just head over to England and get your Hugs over the counter from the local apothecary, paid for by the shared tax burden of your fellow citizens because after all, we're all in this together.  (In Europe.  Here in the United States, we're only all in this together when caught in a traffic jam.  When it comes to health "insurance," it's every Group or Individual for Himself.)

And if I try to access Hugs at my workplace without a prescription, I'm going to be arrested and fired.  There's something wrong here.

I won't miss either

First, I don't sympathize with this woman, who seems to be just moving from one palatial suburban estate to another.  Oh, you won't miss the dog next door or that Easily Fixable You Idiot loose tile on the floor?  Here's a tissue, dear.

Second, If I were the guy driving her around, I wouldn't miss her because she clearly enjoys treating me like her g-d d--d chauffer as she keeps her eyes glued to her stupid tablet, "catching up" on the television shows that the cruel world which requires her to be out of the house every once in a while is denying her instead of oh, I don't know, actually interacting with me as I cart her about.  Here's another tissue.

Finally, I don't drive a car, so I won't be the one who misses her as she blindly walks into traffic because she can't be bothered to look up from her f--ing portable television set.  Eventually, someone with a car will also fail to miss her.  I won't need a tissue when that happens, either.

It's 2016, AT&T. Time to shelve the sexism already

I'll admit I did not get through this entire ad.  Twenty seconds of condescending Whaddayagonnado That Helpless Man of Mine smirks from Smug Mom and Stupid Helpless Dad ("where's your school?" SERIOUSLY?  THIS GUY HAS NEVER BEEN TO HIS KIDS SCHOOL?) was more than enough.

He doesn't know where his kids to go school.  He forgets to- what?  Leave the door unlocked for the dog walker?  Whatever.  And most of all, he forgets that his wife can spy on him whenever she wants from her phone, because before she left she had cameras mounted in every room and all over their property?  Um, seriously?

"Piece of cake, huh?"  Yeah, you're right, Supermom- knowing where the kids go to school, remembering that you've hired a dog walker, staying awake to get the kids in bed on time (because you haven't raised them to do this themselves)- all of this adds up to Being A Mom Is Much Much Tougher Than You Imagined Stupid Clueless Man-Child.  What was he thinking?

As I said at the beginning, I did not get through this entire ad, so I can only guess it ends with Dad kind of learning his lesson (not completely learning it, because after all he's Dad and there's only so much that can fit into that tiny non-female brain of his) and Mom continuing to be the All-Wise, Long-Suffering but Accepting of Her Fate martyr that Only TV Moms Can Be.

Look, I know that for decades advertisements portrayed women as silly, foolish, flighty, chirpy and totally empty-headed little girls who couldn't make a cup of coffee without first taking classes on the subject from The Man of the House.  But does that mean we need to even things out with decades of Men Are Children in Adult Bodies garbage like this?  And if the answer is "yes," would someone please just come pick up my television before I put it on Craig's List?

Xfinitysends a strong message, but it isn't the one they planned on....

Message Xfinity wants you to hear:  Your kids need high-speed internet available at all times, because their ability to do anything that has to do with school absolutely depends on it.   No schoolwork is possible without a tablet or a smartphone.  Paper no longer exists.  And all this means that if the internet connection gets cut off or is slow, well, it's basically the equivalent of cutting holes in their parachutes.  Want your kid to crash in front of everyone as they attempt to bleat their reports from their electronic devices?  Then I guess crappy connectivity is just fine.  Just be prepared to be hated- and for your estranged kids to fail miserably at school in their competition with the Kids Whose Parents Get It.

Message I hear:  Xfinity just assumes that kids are absolutely incapable of doing anything that doesn't involve a glowing screen.  Never mind that NONE of the kids in this ad are doing ANYTHING that kids weren't doing a hundred freaking years ago by spending an hour or so at a freaking library with a notebook and a pencil.  I mean, they aren't showing even showing power points or graphs- they are just reading text.  But even that is not possible unless that text is on a screen (because as we all know, there are no PRINTED versions of FDR's Second Inaugural Address available anywhere*.)

Personally, I think this is a really good advertisement for breaking your kids' dependence on electronic homework "help."  But that's a bit much to expect from an ad which celebrates a situation in which everyone in the family is online, at the same time, on their own devices.**  Yuck.

*Holy crap, she couldn't even be bothered to print a hard copy?  Come On!  Not to mention, why is the ability to read someone else's speech impressive to anybody?  What is the kid learning with this "assignment?"  What the hell?

**I wish I had a dime for every one of these commercials that showed "Dad" needing a tablet to tell him how to chop up vegetables or sprinkle seasonings on steaks.  I swear, 90% of the time adult males are shown "enjoying connectivity," that's what they are using it for.  Bizarre.

Stupid. Drunk. America.

Other than the disconnected images which I guess are supposed to invoke feelings of patriotism and pride and desire to watch the Olympics, the only thing I really get out of this blatantly manipulative crud is that it starts with someone apparently determined to shake up his crappy cheap beer so that it sprays in his face when he finally pops it open.

Meanwhile immigrants pledging alliegence flags Olympics beer yay America.  I guess. Remember when this used to be subtle?  I miss those days.

What hasn't been going on this summer: Binge Parenting

Or, apparently, any parenting at all.

Seriously, if your child spent the entire summer slouched on the family couch sucking down gallon drums of soft drinks while watching television, you've got problems that bringing home a backpack are simply not going to solve.  Because the fault doesn't lie with the child, Mommy.  It lies with you and your "I can't do anything about it so thank goodness the school bell is about to ring" attitude concerning the proper care and feeding of your daughter.

Because after all, there are still going to be weekends and holidays and all you've taught your kid is that when there's no schoolwork to be done, it's perfectly ok to get a jump start on that adulthood dealing with Type II Diabetes.  Not to mention her obvious lack of social connections (sorry, I mean FRIENDS) or physical activity or pretty much anything outside of television in her life.

Your child is in trouble, lady, and school isn't going to save her.  Because her real problem isn't a lack of school-imposed deadlines.  Her real problem is a lack of parents who actually give a damn.  Good luck to both of you dealing with that.