Stupid, Lazy and Proud of it? Liberty Mutual is here for you!

Alternative narration for Commercial #1- "you can't parallel park, and with all the texting and streaming and binge-watching there is to do there really isn't any time to learn how to do it properly.  Yet, you need to get around.  You have two choices- you can take a bus.  Or, you can get Liberty Mutual Insurance, so at least the first time you do a lot of damage to the cars you hit because you just can't dedicate yourself to learning how to parallel park yet still insist on driving, you'll be able to use it's accident forgiveness policy.  Not sure how this is really going to help, since if you are actually going to buy insurance based on the absolute certainty that you are going to be in an accident because you can't drive, you are going to be in more than one accident and Liberty Mutual only forgives the FIRST one.  Why not spare everyone the inevitable hassle and just take the bus?"

Alternative narration for Commercial #2- "So you pay $2000 a year or more for car insurance, because some lame State Law requires that you have it even though it's totally unfair because you're an awesome driver, it's everyone else who sucks.  But you can't be bothered to actually read your policy and who can blame you, I mean it's like several pages long* and over the last decade your brain and vocabulary have atrophied to the point where if it's not a hashtag or text message all those words blend together and become a confusing jumble poor you.  So get Liberty Mutual and we'll give you an App that explains very carefully in words of not more than five letters each what you are covered for, not that you'll read that, either.  Next year we'll be using cartoons to explain it, and the year after that, just emojis, because your brain is going to continue to shrivel until its the size of a peanut, you illiterate child."

*"It's 22 pages long, did you read all of it?  No, only lawyers do that."  Oh good freaking lord.  You pay maybe thousands of dollars a year for an insurance policy and don't bother to read it- and then sell not being willing to read it as the INSURER'S problem?  And it's not like towing and car rental are obscure parts of an auto insurance policy.  This ad is just an endorsement of ignorance and laziness- "what, I was supposed to read 22 pages before I agreed to hand over my money?  What do you think I am, a lawyer?  Next thing you'll be telling me is that I should have read my lease before agreeing to move into an apartment complex for two years!  Lame!"

A Rock, A River, A Tree, A Total Sellout

It's really very hard for me
to imagine that an ad so disgustingly twee
so sugary-sweet, so callow and lame
would find approval with a writer of fame
so I'm guessing her heirs sold her down the river
and traded this piece for thirty peices of silver.

Sorry, Ms Angelou, but this is what happens when you do something stupid like die.

Yay Capitalism!

The horror of this DQ Commercial....

Is not that it's insanely stupid and pointless.  There are a whole lot of insanely stupid and pointless ads out there.  This is one of the worst, but it's not particularly unique.

Nor is it the fact that all the people in this ad actually got paid to act like absolute morons, being perfectly willing to make total fools of themselves for a tiny amount of money and a little face time on tv.  Heck, I'm not even going to snark on the YouTube commenter who seems proud to announce that she was in this thing (unless she's one of the people in the booth who just looked stunned that people at a DQ could be such unbelievable asshats, I can't imagine why she'd admit to playing any part in the making of this mess.)

No, the real tragedy here is that this commercial is practically begging every knuckle-dragging drooler with an iPhone to make their very own version with their friends.  Which means you're going to see a lot of people hanging out at Dairy Queen this summer taking selfies while they shriek "Whaaaaaaat?" into their g-d d---d phones.  Because, you know, it's funny.  Or they're just really stupid and bored and have no lives or taste.  Or they think that something that was already immensely dumb somehow becomes clever through repetition.  One of those.

Which all means that it would probably be a good idea to avoid Dairy Queen this summer.  You know, like it always is.

The Attraction of Pet Ownership continues to escape me....

I suppose ads like this appeal to lunatic pet owners who think that their dogs not only understand English but think in it too, not to mention think in stupid sarcastic thought fragments that suggest that while they love you EVER so much, they also find your inability to instantly give them everything they want whenever they want it more than a little off-putting.  You know, the lunatic pet owners who think that their pets are actually superior beings that they are inexplicably honored to serve.

The people who wrote THIS particular commercial think that

1.  Pet owners are childish, sadistic, cloying jackasses who get far more joy "talking" to their collared mammals than they do do with the ones that actually came out of their bodies, and

2.  Pets think that their thoughts can be heard by their owners.  Making them even dumber than the owners, if that is even possible.

No children were harmed in the making of these Bayer Aspirin Ads

(Quick bit of trivia:  The little blond patient in one of these ads is the same kid who played Brainwashed Commie Son in a classic piece of manipulative Cold War propaganda, Red Nightmare.  At least, I think it is.  Pretty sure.)

But on a more serious note- yeah, I agree with the YouTube commenters who really, really hope that parents in 2016 are not looking to vintage ads posted on the internet to find good medical advice.  Aspirin for children under the age of twelve isn't a great idea.  That being said, I don't agree that these ads should be taken down because....well, seriously:  who is getting medical advice from vintage ads posted on the internet?  The same people who think that doctors are still endorsing cigarettes?

I am happy to report that none of the kids featured in this commercial died from taking Bayer Aspirin.  They were all killed in Vietnam.  Ok, I know that's really dark- but tomorrow's my birthday and once again I'll be spending it in back-to-school meetings, so this is about as cheerful as I'm going to get for a while.

The "Perfect Age" to be a self-absorbed lunatic

This ridiculously overrated woman is very, very happy with her current age- as long as she can continue to avoid the wrinkles and age spots which rather naturally come with skin which has reached it's seventieth year, like hers has.  She's thrilled to be seventy- as long as she doesn't look it.

Then again, Susan Sarandon would also be perfectly happy with Donald Trump being elected President, as that would "bring on the Revolution"- a revolution she doubtless would be riding out in her chateau somewhere in the South of France with her fellow clueless tongue-clucking somethings- oh, let's call them "Liberals," the kind that Paul Ochs used to sing about.   Never mind that before that "Revolution" takes place we'd see a massive retreat on Civil Rights, Voting Rights, etc.  Susan Sarandon thinks it would all be worth it in the end- because once us non-chateau owning minions (the people she deeply cares about, this is all about us, after all) have reached our breaking point, we'll throw out Trump and the Teahadists and probably make Bernie Sanders President and then everything will be wonderful- for the survivors.

And then Ms Sarandon will grace us with her presence again, coming back from her self-imposed exile to pronounce her approval of our actions and collect her well-earned night in the Lincoln Bedroom.  Not everyone will have made it- but those behind the bars of gated communities where Ms Sarandon's friends live...well, my guess is, they'll be just fine.

Don't worry, the Whole Foods Market will be right where she left it.

Tell me again why I should give a damn what this idiot thinks about anything?

This ad makes dying young look very attractive

Seriously, if all we've got to look forward to in our "golden years" is endless conversations about our cell phone service with fellow elderly people, I think I'll just stop saving for retirement and cross my fingers that I don't live quite as long as I once planned to.  Because I want no part of cross-country trips in RVs, power-walking with grinning idiots who take "bets" on who enjoys their phone service the very bestest, or sitting around campfires wondering why we all thought this would be fun back when we were working for a living.

Next time I read a story about a worker bee dying in a freak accident the day before his retirement party, I'm going to think "lucky dog."