Not just for watermelons, but definitely just for girls

"After you've served hubby and the kids their dinners for the 4500th time in the term of the contract you signed when you sold your soul to that jackass in exchange for that house and that yard, there's nothing better than getting up yet again and heading off to your kitchen (it's yours because god knows hubby has no idea where it is) to get the dessert ready.  And there's nothing that beats watermelon as a cold, fresh and healthy dessert!

But man, watermelon can be tough to cut up, and despite the fact that you live in the mansion that guy dangled in front of you like a pork chop in front of a dog you really feel kind of obligated to watch the family budget (after all, other than popping out children and keeping his castle clean, what else do you do??)  So pre-sliced watermelon-- that's a no-no.  We've got the answer for you- our amazing Get Another One Free Just Pay Seperate Shipping so you can cut with both hands at the same time watermelon slicer!

(Why would you want to cut with both hands?  Need I remind you that hubby- who has been shopping around for a younger model for a while now- is still waiting out there on the porch for his dessert?)

And look, no more struggling with the awful rind- now you can just dump it into the garbage to attract every fruit fly within two miles to your kitchen.  Sure a composter would make a lot of sense but your upscale neighbors wouldn't approve, so into the garbage it goes.  And even better- you can now be CREATIVE with how you serve up the watermelon to your lord and master.....errr, husband....and now that he's seen this ad, you'd better count on being just that.

Bet you thought you had the routine down to a science, didn't you?  Sorry, little woman- but we are never going to stop coming up with gadgets that hubby will expect you to use to make his life more fun and his investment in you look a little better."

Living the Dream with Pringles

I suppose that when the internet and cable are down and you don't have a single book in the house and you absolutely cannot actually stand to be with the people you find yourself with, and are absolutely determined not to go outside and actually do something, an "activity" like this might appear attractive.

But if none of those situations exist, the only excuse for doing anything like the people in this commercial are doing is if the Zombie Apocalypse is underway and you are all just counting down the hours in your bomb shelter.  If that's the case, I suppose making duck lips using Pringles might just qualify as an event in your private End of the World Olympics.  I mean, it's certainly a lot safer than actually consuming that crap.

As for the people in this ad- I don't care how much you've always wanted to be on television, or how persuasive your agent was in convincing you that appearing on behalf of Pringles in a commercial that required you to act like a brain-damaged child might lead to an actual acting career.  Nothing could be worth the loss of your self-respect, which can never be regained.  I hate you and I hope you all die in a fire very soon.*

*And that goes for all you glue-sniffing morons who upvoted this commercial.  I'm so grateful we aren't related.

Stupid, Lazy and Proud of it? Liberty Mutual is here for you!

Alternative narration for Commercial #1- "you can't parallel park, and with all the texting and streaming and binge-watching there is to do there really isn't any time to learn how to do it properly.  Yet, you need to get around.  You have two choices- you can take a bus.  Or, you can get Liberty Mutual Insurance, so at least the first time you do a lot of damage to the cars you hit because you just can't dedicate yourself to learning how to parallel park yet still insist on driving, you'll be able to use it's accident forgiveness policy.  Not sure how this is really going to help, since if you are actually going to buy insurance based on the absolute certainty that you are going to be in an accident because you can't drive, you are going to be in more than one accident and Liberty Mutual only forgives the FIRST one.  Why not spare everyone the inevitable hassle and just take the bus?"

Alternative narration for Commercial #2- "So you pay $2000 a year or more for car insurance, because some lame State Law requires that you have it even though it's totally unfair because you're an awesome driver, it's everyone else who sucks.  But you can't be bothered to actually read your policy and who can blame you, I mean it's like several pages long* and over the last decade your brain and vocabulary have atrophied to the point where if it's not a hashtag or text message all those words blend together and become a confusing jumble poor you.  So get Liberty Mutual and we'll give you an App that explains very carefully in words of not more than five letters each what you are covered for, not that you'll read that, either.  Next year we'll be using cartoons to explain it, and the year after that, just emojis, because your brain is going to continue to shrivel until its the size of a peanut, you illiterate child."

*"It's 22 pages long, did you read all of it?  No, only lawyers do that."  Oh good freaking lord.  You pay maybe thousands of dollars a year for an insurance policy and don't bother to read it- and then sell not being willing to read it as the INSURER'S problem?  And it's not like towing and car rental are obscure parts of an auto insurance policy.  This ad is just an endorsement of ignorance and laziness- "what, I was supposed to read 22 pages before I agreed to hand over my money?  What do you think I am, a lawyer?  Next thing you'll be telling me is that I should have read my lease before agreeing to move into an apartment complex for two years!  Lame!"

A Rock, A River, A Tree, A Total Sellout

It's really very hard for me
to imagine that an ad so disgustingly twee
so sugary-sweet, so callow and lame
would find approval with a writer of fame
so I'm guessing her heirs sold her down the river
and traded this piece for thirty peices of silver.

Sorry, Ms Angelou, but this is what happens when you do something stupid like die.

Yay Capitalism!

The horror of this DQ Commercial....

Is not that it's insanely stupid and pointless.  There are a whole lot of insanely stupid and pointless ads out there.  This is one of the worst, but it's not particularly unique.

Nor is it the fact that all the people in this ad actually got paid to act like absolute morons, being perfectly willing to make total fools of themselves for a tiny amount of money and a little face time on tv.  Heck, I'm not even going to snark on the YouTube commenter who seems proud to announce that she was in this thing (unless she's one of the people in the booth who just looked stunned that people at a DQ could be such unbelievable asshats, I can't imagine why she'd admit to playing any part in the making of this mess.)

No, the real tragedy here is that this commercial is practically begging every knuckle-dragging drooler with an iPhone to make their very own version with their friends.  Which means you're going to see a lot of people hanging out at Dairy Queen this summer taking selfies while they shriek "Whaaaaaaat?" into their g-d d---d phones.  Because, you know, it's funny.  Or they're just really stupid and bored and have no lives or taste.  Or they think that something that was already immensely dumb somehow becomes clever through repetition.  One of those.

Which all means that it would probably be a good idea to avoid Dairy Queen this summer.  You know, like it always is.

The Attraction of Pet Ownership continues to escape me....

I suppose ads like this appeal to lunatic pet owners who think that their dogs not only understand English but think in it too, not to mention think in stupid sarcastic thought fragments that suggest that while they love you EVER so much, they also find your inability to instantly give them everything they want whenever they want it more than a little off-putting.  You know, the lunatic pet owners who think that their pets are actually superior beings that they are inexplicably honored to serve.

The people who wrote THIS particular commercial think that

1.  Pet owners are childish, sadistic, cloying jackasses who get far more joy "talking" to their collared mammals than they do do with the ones that actually came out of their bodies, and

2.  Pets think that their thoughts can be heard by their owners.  Making them even dumber than the owners, if that is even possible.

No children were harmed in the making of these Bayer Aspirin Ads

(Quick bit of trivia:  The little blond patient in one of these ads is the same kid who played Brainwashed Commie Son in a classic piece of manipulative Cold War propaganda, Red Nightmare.  At least, I think it is.  Pretty sure.)

But on a more serious note- yeah, I agree with the YouTube commenters who really, really hope that parents in 2016 are not looking to vintage ads posted on the internet to find good medical advice.  Aspirin for children under the age of twelve isn't a great idea.  That being said, I don't agree that these ads should be taken down because....well, seriously:  who is getting medical advice from vintage ads posted on the internet?  The same people who think that doctors are still endorsing cigarettes?

I am happy to report that none of the kids featured in this commercial died from taking Bayer Aspirin.  They were all killed in Vietnam.  Ok, I know that's really dark- but tomorrow's my birthday and once again I'll be spending it in back-to-school meetings, so this is about as cheerful as I'm going to get for a while.