Would you let your kids stay overnight at this house?

...and the best thing about this emergency food is that it fits conveniently in the corner of any reasonably-sized fallout shelter.  Just stack it up against the ammo for the M-15s and the spare batteries for the flashlights (we don't need radio batteries, because we got one with a crank handle with our last subscription to Newsmax.)

And let's be serious, ok?  The two scary-serious white people in this ad ("survival specialists."  That's not creepy at all) aren't talking about power outages when they discuss emergencies.  Nor are they seriously contemplating The Stand-level pandemics or Earth-devastating storms, droughts or meteor strikes.  They aren't really worried about getting grandma her hot meal on schedule during a snowstorm, and they don't really believe that they are ever going to be cut off from civilization for months at a time due to any natural disaster.

Nope- what the scary-serious white people are really concerned about is convincing a very small population of jittery racist idiots that the election of Barack Obama is the beginning of the end of a stable society based on the power of scary-serious white people with guns.  The same jittery racist idiots who are responsible for the largest spike in gun sales (since 2008) in our nation's history.  The World is Coming to an End because we elected a black President and OHMIGOD we are about to follow that up with a female president, Get Your Guns and Emergency Food Now While It's Still Legal.   That's why companies like Wise Foods buy ads during college football game replays and Glenn Beck's The Blaze programming schedule.  That's where the older, frightened, bored, gullible and paranoid  people with money are to be found.

Man, I feel sorry for the children of people who feel the need to buy this stuff.  I mean, ok, if you live on top of a mountain or in an area where natural disasters are fairly common and you want to keep a few days worth of dried food in a closet, fine.  But again- that's not the customer base for this stuff, because dried foods are available at any sporting goods store.  This is for the survivalists, pure and simple.  Creepy.

She'll be asking you to buy fruit the next time you go out for cupcakes unless you stop this madness now, parents!

1.  Apparently asking that a salad be included in the family's takeout pizza order is akin to declaring martial law and shutting down the newspapers.   All this girl does is ask "we're getting salad, right?"  She doesn't threaten anybody.  She is just suggesting that along with the greasy, disgusting warm box of sugar and carbs the High School dropout is going to bring in the next hour, maybe he could include something slightly more healthy?

2.  The sluggish, atrophied family reacts as if the daughter has suggested that the annual trip to Disneyworld be cancelled and the money donated to Oxfam.  The mom especially responds with body language which could be translated to "oh my god where the hell did you come from because you are NOT the product of MY upbringing!  If you were you'd be opposed to the delivery pizza idea because you want a bucket of KFC instead!"

3.  I can't be the only person who noticed that the makers of this commercial found a freakishly-thin young woman to play Crazy Salad Eater.  "Haha, look at the weirdo who wants vegetables, she's like a stick and she thinks she's healthy!"  Meanwhile the pizza-eaters look normal by comparison- they aren't morbidly obese.

4.  Are there words to describe how depressed I am that wanting a salad to go along with the junk is being portrayed as oddball behavior which can now be tolerated-sort of- only because Dominos now sells salad?  If there are, I can't come up with them right now.  I'm in the mood for pizza, though.  Won't be calling Dominos because as far as I can tell, they aren't really in the pizza business.

More Evidence that Money can buy Absolutely Anybody

THIS woman is married to THAT guy?*

Ok, either he's got a LOT of money, or this is just further proof that men write commercials.  Because, come on! This shall NOT stand!

*Now, it does make a LITTLE more sense when you note that he "slept like a baby"- by himself.  That's SOMETHING, anyway.  Still.....

Not just for watermelons, but definitely just for girls

"After you've served hubby and the kids their dinners for the 4500th time in the term of the contract you signed when you sold your soul to that jackass in exchange for that house and that yard, there's nothing better than getting up yet again and heading off to your kitchen (it's yours because god knows hubby has no idea where it is) to get the dessert ready.  And there's nothing that beats watermelon as a cold, fresh and healthy dessert!

But man, watermelon can be tough to cut up, and despite the fact that you live in the mansion that guy dangled in front of you like a pork chop in front of a dog you really feel kind of obligated to watch the family budget (after all, other than popping out children and keeping his castle clean, what else do you do??)  So pre-sliced watermelon-- that's a no-no.  We've got the answer for you- our amazing Get Another One Free Just Pay Seperate Shipping so you can cut with both hands at the same time watermelon slicer!

(Why would you want to cut with both hands?  Need I remind you that hubby- who has been shopping around for a younger model for a while now- is still waiting out there on the porch for his dessert?)

And look, no more struggling with the awful rind- now you can just dump it into the garbage to attract every fruit fly within two miles to your kitchen.  Sure a composter would make a lot of sense but your upscale neighbors wouldn't approve, so into the garbage it goes.  And even better- you can now be CREATIVE with how you serve up the watermelon to your lord and master.....errr, husband....and now that he's seen this ad, you'd better count on being just that.

Bet you thought you had the routine down to a science, didn't you?  Sorry, little woman- but we are never going to stop coming up with gadgets that hubby will expect you to use to make his life more fun and his investment in you look a little better."

Living the Dream with Pringles

I suppose that when the internet and cable are down and you don't have a single book in the house and you absolutely cannot actually stand to be with the people you find yourself with, and are absolutely determined not to go outside and actually do something, an "activity" like this might appear attractive.

But if none of those situations exist, the only excuse for doing anything like the people in this commercial are doing is if the Zombie Apocalypse is underway and you are all just counting down the hours in your bomb shelter.  If that's the case, I suppose making duck lips using Pringles might just qualify as an event in your private End of the World Olympics.  I mean, it's certainly a lot safer than actually consuming that crap.

As for the people in this ad- I don't care how much you've always wanted to be on television, or how persuasive your agent was in convincing you that appearing on behalf of Pringles in a commercial that required you to act like a brain-damaged child might lead to an actual acting career.  Nothing could be worth the loss of your self-respect, which can never be regained.  I hate you and I hope you all die in a fire very soon.*

*And that goes for all you glue-sniffing morons who upvoted this commercial.  I'm so grateful we aren't related.

Stupid, Lazy and Proud of it? Liberty Mutual is here for you!

Alternative narration for Commercial #1- "you can't parallel park, and with all the texting and streaming and binge-watching there is to do there really isn't any time to learn how to do it properly.  Yet, you need to get around.  You have two choices- you can take a bus.  Or, you can get Liberty Mutual Insurance, so at least the first time you do a lot of damage to the cars you hit because you just can't dedicate yourself to learning how to parallel park yet still insist on driving, you'll be able to use it's accident forgiveness policy.  Not sure how this is really going to help, since if you are actually going to buy insurance based on the absolute certainty that you are going to be in an accident because you can't drive, you are going to be in more than one accident and Liberty Mutual only forgives the FIRST one.  Why not spare everyone the inevitable hassle and just take the bus?"

Alternative narration for Commercial #2- "So you pay $2000 a year or more for car insurance, because some lame State Law requires that you have it even though it's totally unfair because you're an awesome driver, it's everyone else who sucks.  But you can't be bothered to actually read your policy and who can blame you, I mean it's like several pages long* and over the last decade your brain and vocabulary have atrophied to the point where if it's not a hashtag or text message all those words blend together and become a confusing jumble poor you.  So get Liberty Mutual and we'll give you an App that explains very carefully in words of not more than five letters each what you are covered for, not that you'll read that, either.  Next year we'll be using cartoons to explain it, and the year after that, just emojis, because your brain is going to continue to shrivel until its the size of a peanut, you illiterate child."

*"It's 22 pages long, did you read all of it?  No, only lawyers do that."  Oh good freaking lord.  You pay maybe thousands of dollars a year for an insurance policy and don't bother to read it- and then sell not being willing to read it as the INSURER'S problem?  And it's not like towing and car rental are obscure parts of an auto insurance policy.  This ad is just an endorsement of ignorance and laziness- "what, I was supposed to read 22 pages before I agreed to hand over my money?  What do you think I am, a lawyer?  Next thing you'll be telling me is that I should have read my lease before agreeing to move into an apartment complex for two years!  Lame!"

A Rock, A River, A Tree, A Total Sellout

It's really very hard for me
to imagine that an ad so disgustingly twee
so sugary-sweet, so callow and lame
would find approval with a writer of fame
so I'm guessing her heirs sold her down the river
and traded this piece for thirty peices of silver.

Sorry, Ms Angelou, but this is what happens when you do something stupid like die.

Yay Capitalism!