Here we go again with Aleve's Alternate Universe.....

1.  Hey buddy, your customers aren't "counting on you" to get your sorry ass out of bed to make coffee.  If you don't get that shop open, they are going to hit McDonald's, Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, Seven-Eleven or any of the other 2000 options out there for early morning coffee.  And you'll get to explain to the bank how you "couldn't get up" and therefore lost all your business and won't be making this month's loan payment.

2.  If you are happily rising from bed as the sun streams through your windows, you sure as hell aren't running a coffee shop.  Hey, guess what, moron?  Your customers are long gone.  Unlike you, they actually have to get to jobs that start before mid-morning.  Coffee shops that don't open until after sunrise aren't going to be in business very long.  You wanted to run a coffee shop but you didn't want to get up before dawn to get it going?  Well, I'm sorry, but that means you didn't really want to run a coffee shop.*  You just conned yourself into thinking you did.  And now....

3.  You are blaming your back pain for your absolutely horrible business sense.  You decided you wanted to be your own boss, so you figured "hey, people drink coffee, I can make coffee, so I'll do that."  Then you realized that people like to BUY coffee early in the morning, and oh noes that means that if you wanted to succeed, you'd have to get up early what were you thinking?  And now you're stuck with the option of hiring someone to open "your" shop for you (and splitting the profits) or just hoping that people won't want coffee until you are damn good and ready to open your shop (mid-morning, apparently.  When everyone is at work.)

4.  Just admit it- you thought it would be fun to run a business in which you served up very expensive coffee to really stupid people who would continue to be totally loyal to you (they "depend" on you, after all) even if you couldn't get the damn store open at a time convenient to THEM, not YOU.  Congratulations on finding a loan officer even more obtuse than you are.  Enjoy your backache, you entitled jackass.   I'm off to Starbucks.

*Maybe this guy can start a support group with that woman in the other commercial who thinks she has a job taking pictures of sunrises but gets up after dawn and takes them with a hand-held camera....Delusionals Annonymous, perhaps?

Masterpass It: Because "Modern Life" Means "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it anymore

In the Bad Old Days, when spending $150 wasn't something you could do at the spur of the moment from your seat at Fenway Park (unless you flagged down a vendor and bought a couple of hot dogs and three or four beers,) this scene might end with an apology and a "well, I'm at a game and that's what dry cleaners are for" shrug.  Or at the very most, a trip to the huge gift shop on Yawkey Way right outside the ballpark for a replacement jersey when the game is over.

Because we live in the Modern World, spilling nachos on the guy next to you means you whip out your phone (oh, who am I kidding, it's already out and you were already scrolling through stuff you were thinking of buying, not like there's a sporting event you paid serious money to watch happening in front of you or anything) and buy him a replacement jersey before he has a chance to even sit back down- "oops sorry I trashed your jersey, but there's another one on the way so don't even respond, ok?"

And never mind that there's no indication that these people know eachother- where is that jersey being sent?  Obviously not to the big guy's house, he wasn't asked his address.  So are they going to meet up in a few days to finish this really awkward (and ridiculously expensive) transaction made necessary by the apparent conviction that A) The guy whose jersey was damaged is big and therefore he's a humorless jerk and therefore was about to kill the slob who damaged it, stopped only by the assurance that a brand new jersey was on the way, and B) saying "oh, I'm sorry" is simply not adequate in the era of Buy It* Right Now?

*Oh, sorry- "Masterpass It."  Yeah, that's going to catch on.  Have I told you how much I hate this century?

Rule #1- everyone who owns one of these things is a total douchenozzle

Rule # 2- if you own a Jaguar, feel free to drive fifty MPH in a f--ng parking garage.  Because it's not like anyone else exists.

Rule # 3- also if you own a Jaguar, you are permitted to drive as fast as you want on ANY road, and to f--k turn signals, those are for total non-Jaguar owners, also known as Losers.

Rule # 91 (according to this British chick)-- "always maintain eye contact, in spite of the distractions. F--k other cars on the road, f--k pedestrians, you own the whole road and if anyone gets in the way, just run them over with your Superior car.

Bottom line and a quick summary of the Jaguar Rulebook- Just do whatever you want in your car, because it's your world, we are just crawling around like ants in it.

Deserts, Farms and Mountains not included, you jackass posers

Nobody is using this thing to tear through mountain streams, and I sure as hell hope that no one is using it to drive through someone's farmland (though if someone tries it, I hope the owner of that farmland has a shotgun and good aim.)  This car is for hauling around soccer teams and groceries.  Call it a Jeep Cherokee in a lame attempt to make some claim to being adventurous if you want, but this is just another Suburban Blandmobile, and the biggest test of it's "seamless transition to changes in terrain" is going to come when you reach the next speed bump, just before you drop your kids off at middle school.

Sorry, losers.  This car isn't going to give you your youth back.  Just thought I'd try to save you forty grand.  No thanks necessary.

How this Verizon Commercial really plays out

"Stop telling me to plug the cord into the connector, I've done that and it's not working!"

"(Sigh) ok, moron- because I don't want to spend any more time on the phone with your worthless, helpless ass, I'm sending you a link so I can see what you see."

"You can do that?  Wait a minute- what button do I push on my phone once you send the App? And what's an App, anyway?"

"(Groan) ok I'm just going to send an Application which allows me to basically take over your phone's camera so I can see what you can see but are failing to see."

"Wait a minute, let me get my daughter over here to do that, I don't know what you are talking about."

"We've got the camera working now, just point it at the box.  See that cord, the one in your hand?  Stick it in the connector to the left, just like I told you fifteen times before getting control of your phone."

"Ok, I did that."

"No, you put the cord into the light socket.  Put it in the cable box.  That's the box on top of the TV.  Just connect the cord to the connector to the left.  Slowly now.  That's right, you've got it!"

"Hey, I did it, this is a great service!"

"We know- it allowed us to fire hundreds of service techs last year and made our stock go up almost half a point.  Of course, by 'we' I mean the people who own Verizon.  I just work a phone bank, and if you think I'm actually a twentysomething white guy sitting in a stylish office, I understand why you were too stupid to figure out how to plug in a cord without having your hand held through the process."

An open letter to Sirius/XM MLB Radio....

(You can just ignore the embedded commercial, though it does kind of fit part of my rant because its about the LA Dodgers....)

Dear hosts of Sirius/XM Channel 89 and Major League Baseball,

1.  I don't know where you got the idea that we want to hear Tommy Lasorda wax poetic about baseball for three minutes before each pre-game segment, but we really don't.  I doubt even Dodgers fans are all that interested in listening to Lasorda blather about kids and dirt and bats and balls and the smell of autumn in the air blah blah blah, but if you must include his dopey dialogue you could at least confine it to those games.

2.  I don't know why you think that we want to hear endless interviews with players, or why you think you can sell us on those guest spots merely by telling the hosts to sound excited about them-- "Coming next, we'll have the backup catcher for the San Diego Padres farm team, I'm really hyped about it!  I mean, I am seriously PUMPED!"  All they do is make me change the channel- and yes, very often I forget to change it back.  For days.

3.  If you do insist on featuring these interviews, could you PLEASE insist that the hosts go beyond the insultingly inane, lazy questions we simply don't give a damn to have answered and which don't provide even a modicum of insight?  Enough already with the "how excited are you to be in the playoff race" and "how cool is it to be a teammate of (insert player we couldn't get to come on the show here?")  These are questions a kid working for his High School newspaper would be embarrassed to ask.

4.  The other day you actually had the UFC Heavyweight Champion as a guest.  WTF? Why don't you just scream "I'm bored with baseball" and get it over with?  I'd ask what's next, but I don't think you can sink lower than that.

5.  Postgame shows provide local flavor.  Stop cutting them off so you can return to generic blather with your national hosts.  The less of them the better.

There's more, but I'll save it for another letter.

Sincerely, XM Radio Subscriber (since 2003.)

Gatorade has us diving for the mute button....

Someone at Gatorade thought that this was a really good idea.  And then someone else- probably several someone elses- agreed and cut a check to make it happen.  And then camera crews were arranged and sites scouted and agreed upon and maybe an entire day was spent in filming.

And during all this, nobody said "wait a minute, this is really awful and it will make our customers hate us?"

Even the YouTubers agree- this is an obnoxious failure of epic proportions.  If it's going to be a regular feature during tv college football games this year, I'm just going to take the season off and listen to something more enjoyable, like cats being tortured.  Why can't the cicadas show up and drown out this crap?