If the Pizza Hut Alien finds all this "Impressive," I don't want to visit HIS planet

"Pizza Hut makes the best pizza in the Universe, but they won't tell you that"- no, they won't.  Not even in their own commercials.  Not like they just did, using a CGI "alien."  Maybe it's because they realize that it's such an absurd claim, it can't even get past the usually infinitely gullible public.  Maybe it's because we still have Truth in Advertising laws.  Or maybe - again- it's because they actually just did try to say just that, through the use of a CGI "alien."

(Oh, and if it turns out that Pizza Hut DOES make "the best pizza in the Universe," we've been using the word "best" wrong.  And is this a commercial to slash NASA funding. because that sounds a lot like "so there's absolutely no point in continuing to explore, because this is the best we can do?)

Speaking of "best we can do," we certainly are an amazingly advanced race, so advanced that we cannot be limited in the number of places we can find to stick greasy, life-shortening cheese.  I'm pretty sure that when someone finally just cuts to the chase and introduces an all-cheese pizza (no bread at all,) that genius will be an American.

And yes, we are also a very advanced country, but not so advanced that we can find better things for fiftysomethings to do than eke out a living working at Pizza Hut.  I wouldn't let Scott near sharp objects, if you know what I mean.

Hey Lily, you're just AT&T's Flo. Get over yourself.

1.  If you sit at a table at an AT&T store, look around very carefully, because you almost certainly are not in an AT&T store and if you are, that thing in front of you is not a table and what you are sitting on is called the floor, not a chair.  AT&T stores are not food courts.  You can tell by the lack of a Starbuck's.*

2.  Never in the history of AT&T has a person in an actual AT&T store been approached by a salesperson and asked "can I help you?"  In real life, what happens is this- you walk into the store and push your way past the crowd of idiots who already have perfectly good phones but know that something newer and shinier is now available to get in front of a keyboard and computer screen, where you can type your name in and see yourself on a list of people who will be spending the next hour or so in the store waiting for one of the three employees to sell you something you don't need, along with a data plan you don't need, all included in a 3-year contract you can't afford but that you'll sign because you've spent more than an hour of your life in the store and you would rather walk out broke than empty-handed.

3.  The guy in this ad not only already has a phone with Siri, but he uses it while in the store to get information about the latest sales- he couldn't do this before he showed up in the store (you know, like a non-lunatic.)  Had he done so, he would have walked right up to that computer sign-in station like all of the other drones who know what they want but are still going to have to wait forever for one of the three employees to sell it to them.  Does the guy here look like he needs a new phone?  Nah- but AT&T doesn't sell phones to people who need them.  AT&T sells phones to people who bought phones last year but need to upgrade constantly in order to compensate for the fact that absolutely nothing of any value is going on in their lives.  Lily to the rescue!

Another stupid GEICO Ad? Not Surprising at all

This bit "works" because none of the weird suburban white people who walk past this lemonade stand think that the black guy in the lawn chair is capable of speaking for himself, so they treat him like an ornament and instead ask the two little girls who he is.  Which makes the commercial "funny," you see, because he's a performer who decided to change his name to Ice-T.  Get it?  Me too.  Think it's actually funny?  Me neither.

Now that we aren't amused, let's move on to depressed and read the YouTube comments.  This is a very, very sad country filled with very, very stupid people.

Two points about this stupid AT&T Commercial

1.  Hey, stupid woman standing there looking mortified as your boyfriend/husband manchild stands there making a total ass of himself in public for the 2000th time- nobody tazered and tagged you into this relationship.  If you think you can do better, get that gobsmacked look off your face and walk away.  There are worse things that being lonely for awhile- like being with this jagoff, for instance.  But if you aren't going to walk away, then sorry, I'm not buying the mortified look.  This is what you were willing to settle for because the world is too dark and scary to be without a maaaaannnnnn, even a little boy like this one.

2.  It was almost cruel for AT&T this shapeless Poster Girl for the Word Plain actress to play the role of Gobsmacked Mortified Girlfriend/Wife and then have her pose motionlessly next to Lily the Cute AT&T girl, wasn't it?  I mean, this is just sad.  I wouldn't blame the guy for forgetting his significant other is even in the same room- but I sure as hell hope his "wrangling" act isn't an attempt to impress Lily, because that's even sadder.

"The Future," according to Taco Bell.....

...sure isn't very inviting or attractive.  In fact, it's basically imagining a world in which twentysomethings gorge themselves on carbs, cheese, meat and grease while sitting on their expanding butts using virtual reality glasses to pretend to be doing something cool as their arteries harden and life passes by right in front of them (but completely invisible, because of those virtual reality glasses.)

Well, at least the crap they'll be killing themselves with will come in cheap package deals.  That's something, because they really will need to save their money for the diabetes medications and heart surgeries.  Pardon me if I don't shed a tear in advance for these loathsome slobs.

At least Aleve doesn't try to be funny with most of ITS Ads.....

   

The conclusion of this ad would make a lot more sense if the "Not Gonna Happen" woman and the "My headache's gone so continue to destroy the house and scream, unsupervised kids" woman were one and the same.  I could totally get "two is enough and I'm out of pills, even if you aren't" coming from THAT woman.

But as it is, this just comes off as another ad going for a cheap laugh.  The "Not Gonna Happen" woman might as well finish her statement by letting the guy know that the whole "headache" thing was just an excuse to avoid intimacy and while she's perfectly happy to sleep in the same bed with him, he's to keep to his side at all times.  Pretty cold, but it WILL allow her to avoid the fate of that other woman.....

I'll give Apex this- they are still around, and still offering these classes. I bet their commercials are better now, though

"Every two seconds somebody bangs up a car.  Keeping them looking new again keeps 185,000 specialists on the job..."

Well, I'd think so.  After all, that's 30 cars being banged up every minute, or 1800 every hour, or 43,200 every day- or almost sixteen MILLION cars banged up every year....if they all needed servicing, that comes out to eighty-five cars per "specialist."  Except, wait- isn't it reasonable to assume that the vast majority of those "bang-ups" are going to be fender-benders, scratches, and dings written off by the owners because, well, deductables?  And even if every single one of those cars were brought in to a "specialist," that comes out to one job every four days...how long does it take to fix a dent or fill a stratch?*

My favorite part of this classic ad comes at 35 seconds in when the host, after giving a quick rundown of the skills his training program teaches, breaks into a chuckle and practically blurts out "now seriously, don't you agree that a monkey could be trained to do any of this work in a long weekend?  How freaking helpless are you?"

Maybe in the 1970s applying bondo and smoothing out dents and spraying paint- all those things MAACO charges through the nose for- made for a good career?  Considering that my father in law was able to teach me how to do all that stuff for my own car and I managed to actually do it without blinding myself or losing an appendage, I kind of doubt it.  VCR Repair sounds more promising, even if it doesn't come with that awesome Probably Free When You Apply For a Sears Card tool kit...

*oh, who am I kidding?  "Labor: $200 Minimum" pretty much no matter what, right?