I have to admit that "Orbitrim" is a pretty cool name- too good for this stupid gadget though

I just love commercials like this, they are so cheesy and fun and who knows, the products they offer might even work at least a little.

This one- for a trimmer head you can attach to that weed-wacker which doesn't work (I know it doesn't work, because weed-wackers, like electric razors, don't work.)  It ends "accidental mistakes" (can I tell you how much I love that phrase?  As opposed to "intentional mistakes?")

Then we have another spokesperson, Ghada Dergman, who is both a "Professional Landscaper" AND a "TV Personality" for something called the "Vanilla Ice Project" (how the heck did I miss that?)  She gives us this wonderful line- "it is a great product because it allows us to eliminate both your edger, weedwacker, and your hedgetrimmer," using the word "both" to list three things before spinning dramatically to tell us "AND my guys love it 'cause it saves time!"

(BTW, do people really hire landscapers to do things like weed wacking?  F--k you, lazy rich bastards!)

The thing is, if professional landscapers use this product, why isn't it available at high-end gardening stores and not just through cheesy commercials? Shouldn't I be able to find this at Home Depot?  Shouldn't there be gas-powered weed wacker models which have this design built in?

Oh right, I forgot.  Weed wackers don't work anyway (unless "cut for three minutes and then fumble with the fishing line release container for twenty minutes to get another two inches out before cutting for three more minutes" means "works.")- why make one with another feature which makes it not work even more?  It's dumb enough that you have to attach a power cord or add gasoline to get them to not work.  Putting a plastic ring around the trim line is like putting your electric razor in the charger- why bother?  Works just as well when the battery is dead!

The Hartford uses cliches it doesn't even understand....

"When it matters most" didn't include Game Seven of the 2001 World Series or the 2004 ALCS against Boston, I guess, because The Great MarianoTM wasn't particularly steady in THOSE moments, in fact totally choking them away.  The Marlins and Red Sox fans are most grateful that while television continues to treat Rivera like he was some kind of god of relievers, he could actually gag with the very best of them in the playoffs.

Just change time measurement to Before Google and After Google

Just imagine- in the not-too-distant past, this breakthrough in time-wasting, pointless, one hundred percent unconstructive and completely unhelpful mind-numbingly stupid garbage would have been technologically impossible.  Someday we'll refer to that time as the second Dark Ages, perhaps.

Our stories would go like this- "there was a time in history when people had lots of really, really moronic ideas for sucking precious moments out of their lives, but those ideas never went beyond the momentary daydream stage because the technology did not exist to make dumb notions into sad reality.  Then Google came along, and eventually teamed with Apple to make every fleeting non-thought something that could be acted out and shared with an incredibly disengaged, apathetic, and bored world."

Of course, nobody will hear these stories, because they'll be too busy watching their phones with their mouths hanging open to notice that a fellow mammal is trying to have a conversation with them, as if its like a million BG or something.  Want to tell me something?  Put it in a video or animation and send it to my phone, grampa!

Lots of mugging going on in this disgustingly sexist Gatorade Ad

Let's pretend for the sake of argument that it's not staged (of course it is, but let's pretend it's not.)

We have a woman here minding her own business, walking down the street drinking a bottle of Gatorade she presumably did not shoplift but actually purchased with her own money.  She suddenly finds herself accosted by a total stranger who jumped out of a van in front of her, steals her drink, and then mocks her attempts to get it back.  In real life, this results in a call to the police.  Because this woman has by now figured out that she's being humiliated for the tv audience, she goes along and proceeds to act like a total tool, jumping up and down in an attempt to get her drink back as she is abused by the onlookers, not one of which yells "give her back her drink, you asshole!"*

Ok, so this whole thing is staged.  Which doesn't make things any better, because it means that the makers of the ad think that the sight of a woman laughing hysterically as she attempts to rescue her drink from the stranger who came out of nowhere and snatched it out of her hand is not only funny, but will endear us to the product and make us want to buy it.  Even the opening of the ad makes zero sense- apparently the woman has not "earned" her Gatorade because she isn't sweating, but the time to replace electrolytes is BEFORE you become dehydrated, not after you are already sweaty and thirsty.  So you haven't "earned" your Gatorade until you've got sweat pouring down your shirt? What the hell?

What the commercial's messages- Assault is funny, humiliating people is funny, watching people humiliate themselves for a few seconds of facetime on tv is funny, you have no right to drink that Gatorade you purchased until you are already sweating- all adds up to me boycotting this junk.  I'll just assume I haven't "earned" the privilege of drinking overpriced sugar water and don't want to risk being treated like a kitten chasing a spot of light for the benefit of jackass tv droolers.  F- you, Gatorade.

*In all of the "Burn it to Earn it" Gatorade ads featuring males, the guy is forced to engage in some kind of sports-based contest in order to "earn" his Gatorade back.  But in the ONE ad I could find featuring a woman, she's just supposed to jump up and down and giggle like an idiot.  Hmmm.....

Only in America. Sadly.

Fifteen minutes after this "great idea" business got going, the last of the Liberal White People With Too Much Money Willing To Go In For Anything Once had tried the "make your own expensive smoothie" experiment and moved on, leaving a mess sitting in an otherwise empty back alley.  The next day, no one showed up because even though yeah it was an interesting experience yesterday that doesn't mean this is something we are pretentious enough to want to do on a regular basis, especially when there are 200 smoothie places within walking distance where someone behind a counter will whip it up for us in about thirty seconds flat for a lot less money.

I'm not the kind of person who is going to shed a tear for the twat who decided to take Posing to a whole new level by starting this "business" and then discovering that the whole Pick Your Own Fruit Make Your Own Smoothie Pay Me For the Privilege thing was a bridge too far.  I'm more like the kind of person who wonders why a meteor couldn't crash into this alley during the height of the Be Seen By Your One Percenter Friends Being Ridiculously and Overbearingly 'Liberal' By Making Smoothies in the Same Freaking Alley You Passed Out In Years Ago When You Were Still Alive craze.

Why did they make this McDonald's Commercial?

Here's how how it translates:  "You like McDonald's All Day Breakfast, but you don't like that you can't get everything you want because McDonald's offers only a limited All Day Breakfast menu.  But if it was McGriddles that you wanted All Day, now you can get that- so you have to find something else to complain about.

Meanwhile, if you wanted pancakes, or biscuit sandwiches, guess what?  You still can't get those items.  But to distract you from noticing that we actually created a commercial to announce that there is exactly ONE MORE ITEM on the All Day Breakfast menu, here's twenty seconds of headache-inducing stupidity featuring very stupid people behaving in very stupid ways."

Thanks, McDonald's.  Get back to us when "All Day Breakfast" at your restaurant means what it means at Denny's and IHOP- the breakfast menu, all day.  Until then, STFU with this crap, please.

If the Pizza Hut Alien finds all this "Impressive," I don't want to visit HIS planet

"Pizza Hut makes the best pizza in the Universe, but they won't tell you that"- no, they won't.  Not even in their own commercials.  Not like they just did, using a CGI "alien."  Maybe it's because they realize that it's such an absurd claim, it can't even get past the usually infinitely gullible public.  Maybe it's because we still have Truth in Advertising laws.  Or maybe - again- it's because they actually just did try to say just that, through the use of a CGI "alien."

(Oh, and if it turns out that Pizza Hut DOES make "the best pizza in the Universe," we've been using the word "best" wrong.  And is this a commercial to slash NASA funding. because that sounds a lot like "so there's absolutely no point in continuing to explore, because this is the best we can do?)

Speaking of "best we can do," we certainly are an amazingly advanced race, so advanced that we cannot be limited in the number of places we can find to stick greasy, life-shortening cheese.  I'm pretty sure that when someone finally just cuts to the chase and introduces an all-cheese pizza (no bread at all,) that genius will be an American.

And yes, we are also a very advanced country, but not so advanced that we can find better things for fiftysomethings to do than eke out a living working at Pizza Hut.  I wouldn't let Scott near sharp objects, if you know what I mean.