AT&T only steals from the very best

This commercial has often been compared to the classic 1956 French featurette The Red Balloon, in which a balloon forms a bond with a young boy and follows him through the streets of Paris.  Generally the comparison goes like this- "The Red Balloon was a magical,  daring, groundbreaking adventure in cinematography.  This commercial really sucks."

In fact, other than featuring a red balloon, the only thing the commercial really has in common with the film is that it feels thirty-five minutes long.  At least.

Another bland-as-hell slice of lifelessness from Mazda

1.  You're still Jeff and Susan.  Now you're just Jeff and Susan with a baby.  Get the hell over yourselves.

2.  Maybe Susan should be driving the car, least as long as Baby is along for the ride.  Jeff acts as if he couldn't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight.  I also can't look at Jeff's face without thinking "holy crap, this guy had sex with that woman?"  Money.  Is there anything it CAN'T do?

3.  They didn't do a good job baby-proofing the house.  The baby got in easily.  MY house?  That is TOTALLY baby-proof.

Hulu Presents: One of the most disgusting, rage-inducing commercials of all time

So in this ad, Hulu basically decides that it's one gigantic freaking joke that Americans have become disgusting television addicts, incapable of going anywhere without glowing screens to stare at, no longer able to carry on conversations with fellow humans, just taking in electronic entertainment while their brains atrophy.  Yeah, this is super funny.  The joke's on us, but it's super funny.  Right?

And to add to the joke, Hulu is giving us even more to waste our time on, because it's all about tv all the time, forever and ever.  Thanks to Hulu we will never ever ever run out of crap to glue our eyes to as the world continues to go on without us, all around us, totally ignored by us because Hey TV.

The final few seconds of this obnoxious crud is one of the loudest, angriest and most violent slaps in the face of society I have ever seen.  Remember, this isn't about turning the f--ng tv off and getting outside and actually taking part in society by interacting with the world.  This commercial is the equivalent of pointing and laughing at an alcoholic while handing him the keys to a wine cellar- and then laughing some more.

And in the end, some people watch this disgusting display and think "hey cool, Hulu looks awesome" because they are already lost.  They already eat lunch "with" people but spend all their time on their phones instead of talking to the people they are "with."  They already DVR hour after hour of tv and then binge-watch crap that does nothing but suck hours away they will never, ever get back.  They are already the walking dead (another show they binge-watch and are proud of binge-watching) and they think that's funny, or cool, or perfectly normal.

As I've posted before, I never stop being grateful that I grew up before all this became normal.  I can't believe this is a world anyone wants to live in.  Yet this commercial is not a warning.  It's an f--ing promise.  And yes, it's actually supposed to be funny.  Ugh.

How exactly does "Avoid Reality" mesh with "Call of Duty?"

"Screw this awful adult stuff; since we can't actually crawl back into the womb let's do the next best thing- retreat into a fantasy land in which we are space-bound warriors armed with laser guns!"

Well, if all you young white men were planning to vote for Trump, please feel free to bail out of the real world before election day and stay there until Cheeto Mussolini tells you to come out and exercise your franchise, November 28 or thereabouts.  Your contribution to Democracy will not be missed.

This Chase Commercial makes the woman who spent her points on a dress seem reasonable

"So one day I noticed that I had 60,000 rewards points built up on my Chase Ink Credit Card.  Don't ask me how I managed to build up that many points running a barber shop without ever thinking of anything else I might actually use those points for, because if you ask me such a thing I'll take it as doubting my acumen as a business person."

"Anyway, I had a number of options how I could use those 60,000 rewards points.  Maybe some new equipment for my shop?  Maybe a vacation? Maybe I could even donate them to a worthy cause?"

"After very little thought, I decided that I'd spend the points on chicken wire and plastic ferns and take an entire day erecting a gigantic green fake mustache over my barbershop.  Sure we had to close for the day to get this thing built, but now that it's done I think it looks really great.  I think my staff agrees with me, even though they seem to be rolling their eyes a lot lately and I do hear quite a bit more whispering than I used to- stuff about no bonuses and why I cancelled the staff Christmas party this year or me having my head up my ass or something."

"Anyway, I think it was a great idea, and I can't wait to get home to tell the wife how I used the 60,000 points.  She never bought the idea that I could be a good businessman- well, this is really going to show her!"

Um, "No" would have worked here, Taco Bell

What kind of freaking lunatic bumps into a someone in the park*- a total stranger who clearly has his hands full- and within seconds of saying "hello" insists that the total stranger holds his baby?

"Hold my baby?" Um, I don't even know you.  We just freaking met.  I have food in my hands.  And you want me to hold your baby?  Why?  Why would I want to?  Why would you want me to?  Does this make any freaking sense to ANYBODY?

*(I guess the same kind of person who would date someone who asks "oooh is this the new boyfriend?" like he's a new purse or pair of shoes and not just talk to him directly.  We don't even get a name here.  Just Hey Nice To Meet You Here's My Baby Hold It Because.  WTF-ever.)

A Message from your friendly Halloween Mafia

Yeah, I can totally remember back in the late-70s when I was Trick or Treating and my gang came across the odd house that wasn't offering snack-sized Butterfingers.  We were a lot tougher than this cartoon ghost suggests we should have been- we didn't stop at TP'ing those Butterfinger-less houses.  We'd generally set them on fire, but only after smashing a few windows and hanging a dead cat or two from the mailboxes for a few nights in a row afterwards, subjecting the inhabitants to our own special brand of psychological terror.  At least that's how I remember it- though I might just be thinking of the plot of almost every second-feature horror movie I watched at the Drive-In as a teen....

Because Butterfingers are really that awesome.  Right up there with Clark bars and candy corn* and popcorn balls** or raisins.***    Awesome enough to wreak horrible vengeance on any family that dares offer Milky Ways, Snickers, Peanut Butter Cups, Take 5s**** or any of the other 200 or so candy options available at sales prices in oversized bags this time of year.  Uh huh.

*Anyone still handing this stuff out deserves to have their house TP'd.  All the candy corn ever manufactured was produced in 1955 and jammed into a huge silo in Kansas which is emptied every October and then refilled with the 99% left unsold in November.  Yes, it's 60-year old candy- and it was gross when it was fresh.  You wouldn't eat it.  Stop asking kids to.

**I can't believe these are still on store shelves either.  Come on.  Who wants to eat stale popcorn held together by cheap carmel (that is carmel, right?)

***None of the completely illegal and creepy actions I described above suffice to punish anyone who hands out raisins on Halloween.  October 31 is not the day to preach Healthy Eating.  Offering raisins on Halloween is like eating a salad on Mardi Gras.  No.

****My students love these things.  Why are they so damned hard to find in the month leading up to Halloween and virtually impossible every other time of the year?