Thanks for nothing, KIA

"So feel free to let your mind wander as you cruise down suburban streets in your KIA, confident in the knowledge that if you start to drift out of your lane, your car will wake you out of your irresponsible fantasy world with an electronic beep and a tiny indicator light on your driver's side mirror."

"Of course, this little safety feature will do absolutely nothing to save the child who darted in front of your daydreaming ass, but hey we at KIA can't do everything, and that's what high-pressure hoses and dent-repair shops are for, right?  So please, continue to be a totally irresponsible douchenozzle with your car, endangering the lives of everyone around you because you simply can't be bothered to stay alert while operating heavy machinery and thought that you were being safe because you were driving a KIA and hey at least you weren't texting or watching a movie on your phone."

Explanation for the court and comforting words for the grieving parents of the kid you ran over while indulging in your childish daydreaming not included.

You just know this guy is going to spend the entire winter in the garage waxing his riding mower...

1.  At first, I thought that the "thank you" might end up being ironic/snarky, as in "thank you for using that ridiculous piece of machinery and spewing noise pollution while pointlessly consuming precious resources instead of oh, I don't know, a fucking broom which would work practically as quickly but wouldn't require ear protection and might not make me, your neighbor from two blocks over, aware that you are 'working' in your driveway."

2.  So because this guy is spending all of fifteen seconds interrupting the conservations and reading and sleeping and just plain being alone with one's thoughts with his Clearly Invented By a Sociopath leaf-blowing apparatus, he'll be able to take tomorrow off and watch football?  Seriously?  Because I can see the driveway and it's pretty damned obvious that fifteen seconds might be on the generous side when trying to determine how long it's going to take to clear it of leaves.  Does it take a lot longer on Sunday?  If so, why?

3.  "Don't get cocky."  Yeah, don't.  Because you're still a total douche who has bought in to the idea that because you've got yourself a suburban spread and a postage stamp of a lawn, you must stock your garage with ridiculously unnecessary pricey junk which allows you to pretend that the "upkeep" of this financial anchor is in any way a drain on your precious time.  After you've spent fifteen seconds blowing the leaves off your lawn, you going to take the gas trimmer out and manicure the hedges again, aren't you?  Because you can't quite justify putting the lights up quite yet and can't bear being in the house with the wife and kids, huh?

4.  The commercial isn't even for the product being shown.  WTF is that all about?

Is this the best Michael Phelps can do in his effort to cash in?

Never mind the computer being slow.  It's a lot more disturbing that Michael Phelps can't even be bothered to get dressed before rushing to the internet to do- well, whatever.  Seriously, Mr. Phelps.  You can check out the video of yourself swimming after you change.  It will still be there.

I'm sure what's really contributing to Michael Phelps' murder face is the fact that he's being stalked by a geek with a laptop who feels the need to sit three inches from him despite the fact that they are the only two people in the freaking stands after his swim.  It's called PERSONAL SPACE, you creep!

Oh and it's not jeans, it's a "Movement." Uh huh

Remember all those Pepsi commercials which suggested that the key to all Good Times was popping open a can of sugary battery acid?

I had to go to YouTube to find out that this was a commercial for Jeans and not just a Great Big Celebration of Pretty Wealthy Young White People Doing Stuff with all their free time and money. Because seriously, what the hell does any of this have to do with jeans?  We've got skiing and helicopters and glamourous locations and models dancing around and smiling and enjoying the carefree life and all that- would it really matter if they were wearing something than Hollister Jeans?  Really?

AT&T only steals from the very best

This commercial has often been compared to the classic 1956 French featurette The Red Balloon, in which a balloon forms a bond with a young boy and follows him through the streets of Paris.  Generally the comparison goes like this- "The Red Balloon was a magical,  daring, groundbreaking adventure in cinematography.  This commercial really sucks."

In fact, other than featuring a red balloon, the only thing the commercial really has in common with the film is that it feels thirty-five minutes long.  At least.

Another bland-as-hell slice of lifelessness from Mazda

1.  You're still Jeff and Susan.  Now you're just Jeff and Susan with a baby.  Get the hell over yourselves.

2.  Maybe Susan should be driving the car, least as long as Baby is along for the ride.  Jeff acts as if he couldn't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight.  I also can't look at Jeff's face without thinking "holy crap, this guy had sex with that woman?"  Money.  Is there anything it CAN'T do?

3.  They didn't do a good job baby-proofing the house.  The baby got in easily.  MY house?  That is TOTALLY baby-proof.

Hulu Presents: One of the most disgusting, rage-inducing commercials of all time

So in this ad, Hulu basically decides that it's one gigantic freaking joke that Americans have become disgusting television addicts, incapable of going anywhere without glowing screens to stare at, no longer able to carry on conversations with fellow humans, just taking in electronic entertainment while their brains atrophy.  Yeah, this is super funny.  The joke's on us, but it's super funny.  Right?

And to add to the joke, Hulu is giving us even more to waste our time on, because it's all about tv all the time, forever and ever.  Thanks to Hulu we will never ever ever run out of crap to glue our eyes to as the world continues to go on without us, all around us, totally ignored by us because Hey TV.

The final few seconds of this obnoxious crud is one of the loudest, angriest and most violent slaps in the face of society I have ever seen.  Remember, this isn't about turning the f--ng tv off and getting outside and actually taking part in society by interacting with the world.  This commercial is the equivalent of pointing and laughing at an alcoholic while handing him the keys to a wine cellar- and then laughing some more.

And in the end, some people watch this disgusting display and think "hey cool, Hulu looks awesome" because they are already lost.  They already eat lunch "with" people but spend all their time on their phones instead of talking to the people they are "with."  They already DVR hour after hour of tv and then binge-watch crap that does nothing but suck hours away they will never, ever get back.  They are already the walking dead (another show they binge-watch and are proud of binge-watching) and they think that's funny, or cool, or perfectly normal.

As I've posted before, I never stop being grateful that I grew up before all this became normal.  I can't believe this is a world anyone wants to live in.  Yet this commercial is not a warning.  It's an f--ing promise.  And yes, it's actually supposed to be funny.  Ugh.