Just a few questions, Kohl's....

As long as we are going to use the tagline "give a little more...."

1.  What's the average wage you pay your overnight cleaning crew and shelf restockers?

2.  What does a cashier at Kohl's make?  How about a manager?

3.  What kind of health benefits does Kohl's offer?  Are these benefits available to part-timers and temporary workers (like the ones you hire to work between mid-November and early January only?)

4.  What is the official corporate position at Kohl's concerning an increase in the minimum wage?

5.  Is it fair to assume that you rob your employees of a break period to make them watch this commercial before asking "ok, team, every week we are going to ask you to document something you did to 'give a little more' to a customer over the preceding seven days.  Your continued employment here at Kohl's will depend on how well you respond to our 'give a little more' challenge....?"

Do these questions seem a bit intrusive?  Well, just asking- I mean, you're the ones who decided "give a little more" was a message which really seemed appropriate for the Holiday season, after all.  So I don't think it's all that unfair to ask if Kohl's, Inc. is into "giving a little more," or that's just something you celebrate when your employees do it (not to mention thinking that it would be just fine if the customers adopted it, especially while shopping at Kohl's....)

And then I'm going to kill you, right here at IHOP...

Fifteen seconds in, I'm pretty sure this guy wishes he had just taken himself to IHOP and left this latest mistake from Match.com at her home.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to IHOP, by myself, and ordering three or four of these Seven for Seven meals.  Not because I want to eat them.  I just want to see the look on the waitress's face when she takes my order as I sit there all alone.  My guess is that, this being America, she won't bat an eye. This is the land of Golden Corral and Cici's Endless Pizza and Frosted Fried Dough and Supersized Sodas and Taco Bell's Fourth Meal Campaign,* after all.

*https://travelingmedicineshow.wordpress.com/2007/02/15/fourth-meal-the-ad-campaign-between-irresponsible-and-pure-evil/

Darn you M&M Mars, I hate you for making me do this....

Ok, do schools really ask new kids to stand up in front of the class and introduce themselves?  I've been a teacher for 22 years and I've never once requested that any new student put themselves in the spotlight like this...I'm pretty sure this is kind of a no-no, and that in real life it's much more common for new kids to be matched up with two or three "old-timers" in their classes who guide them through the classes and help acclimate them to their new surroundings...right?  I mean, nobody really does this Leave It To Beaver-level awkward stuff, do they?

Oh, who the hell am I kidding.  That's all I got.  This is actually a very sweet commercial with a very nice message and in fact doesn't annoy me in the slightest.  It doesn't even bother me that they use a Depression-era Spiritual for background music, because it works here.  I guess if Mars is going to make a commercial for this candy bar every thirty or forty years, it ought to do a quality job of it, and they do with this effort.

Anyone who reads this blog on a regular basis (all half-dozen of you, from the looks of the counter) knows that I really don't throw out a lot of praise for commercials.  That would make me like that idiot who decided to start posting "What's Great About..." reviews for movies on YouTube (who the hell wants to watch that crap?)  But I've got to admit, this is a good ad.   There.  I said it.

I won't make a habit of this, I promise.

Thanks for nothing, KIA

"So feel free to let your mind wander as you cruise down suburban streets in your KIA, confident in the knowledge that if you start to drift out of your lane, your car will wake you out of your irresponsible fantasy world with an electronic beep and a tiny indicator light on your driver's side mirror."

"Of course, this little safety feature will do absolutely nothing to save the child who darted in front of your daydreaming ass, but hey we at KIA can't do everything, and that's what high-pressure hoses and dent-repair shops are for, right?  So please, continue to be a totally irresponsible douchenozzle with your car, endangering the lives of everyone around you because you simply can't be bothered to stay alert while operating heavy machinery and thought that you were being safe because you were driving a KIA and hey at least you weren't texting or watching a movie on your phone."

Explanation for the court and comforting words for the grieving parents of the kid you ran over while indulging in your childish daydreaming not included.

You just know this guy is going to spend the entire winter in the garage waxing his riding mower...

1.  At first, I thought that the "thank you" might end up being ironic/snarky, as in "thank you for using that ridiculous piece of machinery and spewing noise pollution while pointlessly consuming precious resources instead of oh, I don't know, a fucking broom which would work practically as quickly but wouldn't require ear protection and might not make me, your neighbor from two blocks over, aware that you are 'working' in your driveway."

2.  So because this guy is spending all of fifteen seconds interrupting the conservations and reading and sleeping and just plain being alone with one's thoughts with his Clearly Invented By a Sociopath leaf-blowing apparatus, he'll be able to take tomorrow off and watch football?  Seriously?  Because I can see the driveway and it's pretty damned obvious that fifteen seconds might be on the generous side when trying to determine how long it's going to take to clear it of leaves.  Does it take a lot longer on Sunday?  If so, why?

3.  "Don't get cocky."  Yeah, don't.  Because you're still a total douche who has bought in to the idea that because you've got yourself a suburban spread and a postage stamp of a lawn, you must stock your garage with ridiculously unnecessary pricey junk which allows you to pretend that the "upkeep" of this financial anchor is in any way a drain on your precious time.  After you've spent fifteen seconds blowing the leaves off your lawn, you going to take the gas trimmer out and manicure the hedges again, aren't you?  Because you can't quite justify putting the lights up quite yet and can't bear being in the house with the wife and kids, huh?

4.  The commercial isn't even for the product being shown.  WTF is that all about?

Is this the best Michael Phelps can do in his effort to cash in?

Never mind the computer being slow.  It's a lot more disturbing that Michael Phelps can't even be bothered to get dressed before rushing to the internet to do- well, whatever.  Seriously, Mr. Phelps.  You can check out the video of yourself swimming after you change.  It will still be there.

I'm sure what's really contributing to Michael Phelps' murder face is the fact that he's being stalked by a geek with a laptop who feels the need to sit three inches from him despite the fact that they are the only two people in the freaking stands after his swim.  It's called PERSONAL SPACE, you creep!

Oh and it's not jeans, it's a "Movement." Uh huh

Remember all those Pepsi commercials which suggested that the key to all Good Times was popping open a can of sugary battery acid?

I had to go to YouTube to find out that this was a commercial for Jeans and not just a Great Big Celebration of Pretty Wealthy Young White People Doing Stuff with all their free time and money. Because seriously, what the hell does any of this have to do with jeans?  We've got skiing and helicopters and glamourous locations and models dancing around and smiling and enjoying the carefree life and all that- would it really matter if they were wearing something than Hollister Jeans?  Really?