Seriously Depressing Bud Lite Commercials

Actually, if your beer has your team's name on it and this is important to you, that makes you a pathetic tool, and about as far from a "legend" as you can get.



And in THIS commercial for the same product, the utter stupidity of going for beer because the company that made it also bought the rights to use the team logo is actually demonstrated when one of the actors sticks a can into a beer cozy with HIS team's logo on it.  That's right, folks- you always could carry a beer with your team's logo, long before this dumb idea was greenlit by Bud Lite.  It didn't even have to be a Bud Lite (even better.)  You just needed to invest a dollar in a foam beer cozy.

"What if?"  Yeah, what if?  Not answered.  Probably because "who gives a damn?" is a better question.

Oh but please acting like a moron with zero life or taste in beer, scruffy loser Steelers fan.  Catch that beer passed to you by one of your equally vapid friends.  Then please, open it immediately and let all that awful watery crap spray all over your face.  Loser.

Buick isn't going to let Lexus make the only disgusting car commercials this holiday....

1.  I guess it's supposed to be "funny" that the guy unloading boxes from his trunk got a black eye from Black Friday shopping.  Because being assaulted going for bargains- or any reason- is just f--ing HILARIOUS, especially during the holidays.  Ugh.

2.  The message here is that all of that awful violence and hassle could have been avoided if.....the injured guy had just done his Black Friday shopping at Buick?  How does this make sense in any universe?  So he wouldn't have been beaten up buying presents because that kind of thing doesn't happen at the Buick Dealership....but neither does buying presents for anyone, except maybe yourself.

"I found a way to avoid the hassle of Black Friday-- I went down to Buick and bought myself a new car."  Um, what?  Huh?  How does this go over with the wife and kids?  If this commercial was a scene in a bad sitcom, I'd suspect that the douchenozzle who bought himself a Buick might be in line for a black eye after all, he'll just have to wait for Christmas morning when he tells the people who live in that house with him that the Buick he came home with the day after Thanksgiving is the only present he bought because....well, Black Friday is dangerous.

I'd say this is going to get worse before it gets better, but seriously- how can it?

Lexus' Make December Great Again for the One Percent and their horrid offspring....

Hey look everybody, it's another Lexus December to Remember, in which we are treated to two months of watching  people who already have everything see their dreams of Just A Little More come true.

In this ad, two alleged adults have decided that having a massive house and tons of money are really really nice but what would make them really happy is a new Lexus sitting in front of that massive house on Christmas morning.  Why they don't just go out and buy a new Lexus instead of attempting to con a fairy tale into giving them one kind of escapes me....but what do I know, I'm still mystified that people could be so immensely shallow they'd flip over a Lexus anyway....

The punchline of this ad comes when Barron Trump pops in on the people who Ooopsed  him into existence, sees that they are appealing to Santa Claus, and apparently threatens to veto the request unless a puppy is added to the list.  He does this in an adorable way which makes his parents think that if they don't obey, they are going to end up in the cornfield.  This is all super adorable and also very relatable to the viewing audience, right?  We really want this nasty little creep to get a puppy from his shallow, materialistic, greedy pig parents, right?

Anyway, because it's the holiday season and because people like this always get exactly what they want, come Christmas morning Mommy and Daddy have their $60,000 car and Barron has his puppy, and the rest of us are shopping for deals on a new television set because we just tossed a heavy object through the old one.  Thanks again, Lexus.

As long as they don't start snarking on commercials....

Hey look, yet ANOTHER new YouTube Channel featuring obnoxiously bubbly young white people with way too much time on their hands and who share a dream of getting rich without effort by producing videos of themselves doing obnoxiously bubbly white things!

And they even have an awesomely hip and totally with-it names and a super-clever name* for their group- they're the original Three Musketeers!

And you can bet that over the next several weeks they'll be making a hundred or so superawesomeamazing videos in which they endlessly mug for the camera while prancing, playing, cooking and taking selfies while also endlessly reminding us how young and hip and free-spirited they are By The Way Please Don't Forget To Upclick They Really Really Want This To Be Their New Career!

My guess is that they did a quick survey of YouTube and saw that reviewing movies has been done to death,  the market cornered long ago by people who know how to do more with a camera than just point it out themselves before downloading to YouTube.  Ditto discussing Religion or making instructional videos.  Plus, they aren't really talented at anything other than being young and perky- so they'd thought "hell, we've got $100,000 each in college loan debt and no skills to show for it- let's try cashing in on this whole interwebs thing- we already love to use Twitter and spend most of our lives looking at OTHER people's videos, how hard could it be?"

Good luck, kids.  I won't be watching this version of "The Three Musketeers" but I'm sure that having a job and friends and a life and a functioning brain, I'm not part of the target audience anyway.  And I really don't want to meet anyone who is- because that would be really, really sad.

*Come on, Effort is hard!

(Editor's Note:  Turns out that these three "kids" didn't "spontaneously" decide to start their own YouTube channel Because What The Heck We Love To Have Fun, but are instead the hosts of a show being funded by M&M Mars.  So this is basically the Mickey Mouse Club for candy bars.  I'm going to keep my original comments though, because the "kids" are still total tools.)

I have different "Questions," North Face

It's not actually about questioning "sanity" or questioning "motivation" for me.  It's more like questioning priorities.  As in, why do the people in these ads always choose to feed their colossal egos instead of, I don't know, handing over a little of their obviously overflowing bank accounts to people in actual need?

I mean, think about it.  Every single one of these North Face "Question" ads features some unbelievably self-absorbed white person reflecting on how the world (or, more likely, their tiny and rapidly diminishing circle of friends) simply can't understand their "need" to climb that rock or ski that mountain or do any number of ego-stroking stuff they can do because they have enough Capital One Awards points saved up.  The local food bank?  Meh.  Nothing but losers with lame ambitions there.  Ugh.

(I also like the "can't do this" cry from the woman trying to climb that rock- how about "I shouldn't be doing this, this is really stupid" or "why aren't I doing something more productive and beneficial to society with all my 'determination?'")

Anyway, I thought this was a good ad to feature on Thanksgiving- god knows the people in this ad have plenty to be thankful for.  Like being able to give the middle finger to the rest of us, who wonder why it's always the most shallow people who have the most disposable income.

You people are weird

1.  Hey, wait a minute!  They are already using this song in a Three Musketeers Commercial!  I JUST posted about it! WTF????

2.  "Owning a dog brings out the best in people?"  Um, seriously?  Then why do all my interactions with dog owners include these people saying things like

"Oh he's just being friendly" (as the damn thing jumps on me,) and

"Oh don't worry, he doesn't bite" (oh then there's no problem that he's growling and baring those teeth he doesn't use, thanks for letting me know...) and

"Oh he barks to warn me, that just shows he's a good watchdog" (never mind that if a dog barks at everything, his bark is absolutely f--ing useless as a danger detector, you STUPID KNOB!) and

Not to mention that dog owners just love to walk their dogs on twenty-foot leashes which seem designed to make me trip and which allow the pair to take up so much damn room I have to walk into the street to get around them.  And how so many dog owners prefer transparent bags to carry their precious little bestest friends waste around (seriously, what the hell is the matter with you people?)

I guess the "best" in me will stay hidden away until I own one of these things.  Which is to say, forever.

Nintendo's idea of a family gathering....

This woman is very clever- instead of just being honest and telling us that she wants to keep her kid occupied while she entertains other adults, she pretends that she's doing the kid a favor by letting him have "me time" with his stupid electronic game.  Because he can't have "me time" when it's not the holidays and family isn't around to visit- he can't be asked to adjust his precious game-playing schedule in any way whatsoever because, well, family.  God Freaking Forbid.

So instead of talking to aunts and uncles and grandparents he probably rarely sees, Little Tommy (or whatever the hell his name is, I'm not watching this crud again) just zones out and wastes the entire day staring at a screen while his relatives attempt to form a bond- ANY kind of bond- by offering him tips on how to "win" the pointless nonsense game he's playing.   His response is to glare angrily at this invasion of the "me time" promised by mom.  My response is to lose just a little more hope for the future of humanity.

Oh, and the mom has a daughter, too.  She's in another commercial, with another toy she's obsessing over 24/7 while mom bleats something about "boundaries."  This is a very sad tv family.