Hyundai's Christmas of Confusion

Can someone please explain to me why, after the ugly-as-hell potential customer tilts his head and juts his jaw out, he spends the rest of the commercial acting as if his feet are nailed to the floor?  Seriously, he seems convinced that he'll step on a landmine if he moves one inch in any direction, so he just stands there weirdly tilting his body (after doing that weird "big" move which I think has beeen banned in at least eight states.)  It's especially awkward at the very end, when he apparently attempts to LOOK at the saleschoad's ring tone by leaning slightly forward- mustn't move those legs!

Is it about being paralyzed until one feels "Festive?"  Because his significant other jumps two spaces the moment she buys in to the whole holiday cheer thing.  She even gets her own cup of hot cocoa and a new wardrobe.  And she didn't have to say a thing to do it.  It's implied that her husband/whatever is the buyer- does he get to be transported two feet, change into a stupid costume, and hold his own fake cup of plastic only when he agrees to sign, or what?

Seriously.  What the hell, Hyundai?

Toyota hates us. Just in case we had forgotten, let's check this out!

I watched this commercial all the way through twice, and that's the most I'm going to put myself through, because I really hoped that in two viewings I'd figure out what these self-absorbed, self-congratulatory rejects from any self-respecting karaoke bar are declaring their independence from.  But the best I can come with is that when they "sing" (using that term VERY losely) "you don't own me," what they are referring to is the basics of safe driving they learned back in High School.  They are screeching that they are no longer "owned" by the society's suffocating demand that they pay attention while driving, that they keep their stereos at a level which allows them to hear other cars, including emergency vehicles, that they are alert for sudden changes in driving conditions- rock slides, ice patches, children chasing basketballs, etc.  You know, the rules of the road that us Lessers are still shackled to, poor us.

Anyway, if one of these commercials ends up with each and every one of these caterwalling jackasses screeching "you don't own me" to Gravity as they plunge down ravines in their brand-new Toyotas, I'll consider my Christmas present delivered and received with great joy and appreciation.  Not holding my breath, though (hey, another idea for these losers I find preferable than having them continue to try to sing!)

Google continues to push me closer to the edge....

This is so rank, I can't believe there isn't a punchline at the end of it instead of just making me want to punch someone.

The final scene, where the "dad" responds to seeing his son in a spacesuit by asking Google "what's on the calendar" is the real breaking point for me.  Dude, your son is standing right fucking there.  Why can't you just ask him and break up your morning of Ignoring the other Homo Sapiens in the house?*  If Google replied "nothing is on the calendar for today," would you think your son had just gone nuts?  If your son had responded "it's space day," would you have believed him?  Would you have even recognized his voice?  Would it have helped if he had spoken in a robotic Google voice, because you've trained yourself to believe that Google Knows All?

Is this what we really want?  Anyone?

*The one time "husband" actually addresses a human being in this ad, it's to ask "wife" if a package on it's way is for him.  Why didn't he just ask Google?  At this point, why would he believe his wife would have more knowledge about a package she ordered than The Google does?

iPhone 7 ramps up the "give a middle finger to society" quotient

I used to think that only a Sociopath would want phone speakers which would allow you to share your particular taste in music with people three blocks away, but since its apparently become perfectly normal to be a self-absorbed asshat with absolutely no respect or consideration for anyone else, I guess we have to come up with a different word now.

Introducing the iPhone 7 with stereo speakers- just in case you weren't positive that you were the most loathsome human being on the planet, here's something to seal the deal.

As for this particular ad- too damned bad if you were taking a nap poolside, or reading a book, or just communing with your thoughts, because for as long as  it takes this disgusting old twat to climb those steps and jump into the pool and climb back out, you are going to be listening to his ridiculous salute to himself, courtesy of his iPhone 7 which has better speakers than my last Honda.  It wasn't really all that long ago that you'd expect someone to reach over and shut the damn thing off, or even chuck it into the pool, in response to this douchenozzle's "I am the only person in the universe" attitude.  But the other people at poolside don't even blink at the phone blaring music so loud that it's causing the table it's on to shake.  I guess they think that's cool now- never mind that if even one more person had that phone and the same idea, they'd be drowning out eachother, besides making what used to be a nice, calming experience a living hell for the people who just want to get a little sun for chrissakes.

Merry Christmas, Apple.  May you be visited by several ghosts tonight who show you the asshattery of your ways.

From jeans to TV Razors, Bret Favre just keeps fumbling

1.  It's "German Engineered."  This "fact" is repeated ad nauseum throughout this and other commercials for this stupid razor.  When did "German Engineered" become a mark of quality, anyway?  I wonder if ads in Germany hawk products as being "American Engineered?"  The way the announcers breathlessly proclaim the Germanness of these razors, you'd think that the superiority of German shaving technology was just a given.  Am I completely out of the loop, or what?

2.  The blades are coated with a "Non-stick surface," because we guys all know what a hassle it is when our ordinary razors stick to our skin during shaving.  Seriously, though, has this EVER happened to ANYBODY?  I half-expected the announcer to tell us that the razors double as frying pans.  Non-stick surface?  Really?

3.  The German Engineering of this amazing groundbreaking discovery provides a blade which lasts...a month.  You know, like pretty much all blades, including the ones you can buy at the CVS down the street which come with a razor and which cost around ten bucks.  How do we know they only last a month?  Well, the freaking ad comes right out and TELLS us they do, by providing twelve razor cartidges and calling these "a year's worth."  Points for honesty, but come on- if they only last a month, they aren't any better than the ones I own and use now, and they aren't even "German Engineered" as far as I know....

4.  William P,  non-paid Spokeschoad, tells us that he was spending "twenty or thirty dollars a month" on razors before coming across this offer.  Oh, you have got to be kidding, Mr. P..  I just randomly researched popular razor blade brands online, and the MOST expensive version I could find was for the Gillette Mach 3-- a razor and twelve cartidges for $23.99.  If you are going through "twenty or thirty dollars a MONTH" on razors, your skin must be made of freaking balloon-quality silk.  Or you are a pampered brat who refuses to use the same blade more than two or three times before tossing it in the garbage (in which case, these In No Way Superior Except for Being German Engineered blades are not going to solve your tragic problem.)  Yet he's backed up by Dr. Joseph D (who is a cardiologist, and therefore knows a lot more than you or I about shaving) who agrees that $20 gets most guys a month's worth of shaves- so most guys go through twelve cartidges a month...what the hell....)

5.  The blades aren't just "German Engineered," they are GERMAN.  Maybe everything German really is popular in the United States these days.  46% of us voted in our very own Fuhrer after all, and we didn't even have to burn down the Reichstag first.

6.  The spokeschoads never really tell us that they get their best shave ever, or even a superior shave- they just say things like "good shave" or "nice shave."  More points for honesty.

7.  The usual seal-the-deal-with-add-ons ploy comes when they toss in a nose-hair trimmer which may or may not be German Engineered (seems unlikely, though, since it's not part of the pitch.)  You can even get a Free Bonus Caddy (piece of plastic to hold your overpriced, overhyped junk) but only if you take the Deluxe Offer, which I'm guessing involves taking the nose-trimmer for free Just Pay Separate Shipping and Handling scam.)

8.  Bret Favre.  This is what he gets to do while Peyton Manning continues to stink up television during actual football games doing commercials for Nationwide.  I'd say that this illustrates the difference between one ring and two, except that Peyton was a ubiquitous presence on commercials before he got his FIRST ring and Tom Brady doesn't show up on tv despite having FOUR.  Television is weird.

I can still remember when I got for Christmas when I was nine....

It was a King Arthur's Castle made in West Germany, and it was freaking awesome.  I put it together in about twenty minutes and spent god knows how many hours playing with it over the course of the next several years.  I loved it so much that when I happened to come across one on Ebay about fifteen years ago I bought it again, and it's sitting in my apartment right now.

I wonder how long the jackasses in this commercial will remember the Very Special Christmas when someone bought someone virtual-reality headsets and the family spent the next hour experiencing the Virtual Reality which was so much better than the Actual Reality of being with family during the holidays.  I imagine that the most memorable part of the experience was all the stupid shrieking and jumping done by the person wearing the glasses while the rest of the family, unable to experience what the person wearing the glasses was experiencing, looked on.

"Remember when mom jumped?  That was funny.  Can't remember what she was looking at when she jumped.  But she jumped.  And when dad tried them on, he laughed and yelled once.  That was fun.  Who ended up with that headset, anyway?  Well, whatever."

All my snark notwithstanding, I'm sure that this is someone's idea of an awesome Christmas.  Maybe because it's slightly more interactive than everyone talking on their own cell phones?  But we see one of these people using his phone to video someone else's experience with their headset- isn't that kind of doubling down on the isolation?  I mean, seriously.  What the hell?

Before and After Depressing Fun with Google

"Daddy, how big is a Blue Whale?"

Before Google: "I'm not sure, let's write that down and go to the library tomorrow to look it up.  We can stop for ice cream on the way home.  I'd like to find out, too."

After Google: "Google, how big is a Blue Whale?"

"This is where mommy does a big whale noise."

Before Google: "Ok, tell me what she sounds like when she makes it, and I'll try to do it too."

After Google: "Google, what does a Blue Whale sound like?"

"Do whales sleep?"

Before Google:  "I don't know- lets put that on our list of questions to answer during our adventure at the library tomorrow."

After Google:  "Google, do whales sleep?"

I have to wonder why this girl is even asking her father- the stupid Google Answer Machine is right there on the table.  Did the makers of this ad think that it would just be a little TOO obnoxious to have her interrupt her father by directly asking the stupid magic Google Answer Machine?  Could it be that she just wants to have a conversation with her father to spread out this daddy-daughter moment, but the asshat just keeps sabatoging her efforts by instantly asking his Electronic Substitute for Brains and Initiative?

Could we be just a little more helpless and pathetic here?