Quaker thinks this is cute

Haha, mom had to get a lawyer to negotiate with her son to clean his room, because her son got a lawyer lol that is just too funny...

Except, no.  It's pretty damned stupid, actually.  Especially the "on the grounds that I brought you into this world and it's the least you can do" line- really?  "I gave birth to you, so the least you could do to thank me is to clean your room?"  How about "because I'm your mother, and I said so?"  Anyone say this anymore?  If not, why not?  Anyone else think that this kid can start negotiating his chores when he pays rent?

Anyway, the "problem" between pathetic mom and disgusting jerkwad son is "solved" through a strategic application of the old Food Bribe- "if you agree to clean your room, you'll get a tasteless log of rice, nuts and honey holding the damn thing together."  But this isn't super realistic to me- if this kid has grown to be such an obstinate little brat that he'll hire a lawyer to avoid cleaning his room, I'm pretty sure he hasn't had to ask very often for the Food Used To Shut Him Up.  If anything, it seems to me that this woman has probably spent most of the last several years shoveling stuff at this kid to keep Peace in the Home.  The result is this nasty little toad refusing to clean his room without prepayment.

Gross.  But the YouTube commentators like it.  Go figure.

Another Lexus ad which I'm quite sure is SUPPOSED to be as vile as it is

Lexus is assaulting us (there is no other word for it) with these Thoroughly Revolting People Who Already Have F--ing Everything Getting Santa to Give Them Luxury Cars commmercials which pop up during Every. Single. Commercial Break and have pretty much convinced me that I simply can't watch any more bowl games this season.....

They are all pretty much the same, but in this one Disgusting Entitled Aunt who doesn't like kids agrees to take her neice to see Santa because despite the fact that she's clearly got money coming out of her f--ing ears and appears to be an adult, she thinks that the best way to land herself a Lexus this Christmas is to ask a fairy tale for one.  Loathsome Aunt helps set up the Next Generation of Mammon-worshippers by bribing her neice to do the asking- and the moment neice agrees and runs off to see Santa (no line, I guess maybe Aunt bribed the other kids to take a hike) Aunt crosses her arms and looks thoroughly convinced that this is going to work.

Not only does Santa grant the little kid's wish, but Aunt doesn't even have to wait till Christmas morning- they drive back to the girl's house in the Lexus.  So Santa was so damned taken with the little girl that oh hey sure of course, here are the keys?  Or was there an exchange of "gifts" between Santa and Aunt off-camera (sorry, but there has GOT to be more than meets the eye here.)  At any rate, I guess the Audi they came with was just left in the parking garage?

As is the case in every single one of the noxious piles of steaming crud, the commercial ends with a heartwarming scene in which white people stand in front of a $3 million house and gaze in appreciation at the latest f--ing bauble in the driveway.  Meanwhile, Timmy on the other side of the tracks didn't get those new boots to replace the ones with holes in them because, well, priorities.  I'd tell Lexus to go die in a fire, except that I think they go out of their way to make these ads as horrible as they can because they are aimed at people who are constantly looking for ways to engage in conspicuous consumption and who enjoy being entitled asshats.  So if their commercials infuriate me, mission accomplished.

Now go die in a fire, Lexus.

Hyundai's Christmas of Confusion

Can someone please explain to me why, after the ugly-as-hell potential customer tilts his head and juts his jaw out, he spends the rest of the commercial acting as if his feet are nailed to the floor?  Seriously, he seems convinced that he'll step on a landmine if he moves one inch in any direction, so he just stands there weirdly tilting his body (after doing that weird "big" move which I think has beeen banned in at least eight states.)  It's especially awkward at the very end, when he apparently attempts to LOOK at the saleschoad's ring tone by leaning slightly forward- mustn't move those legs!

Is it about being paralyzed until one feels "Festive?"  Because his significant other jumps two spaces the moment she buys in to the whole holiday cheer thing.  She even gets her own cup of hot cocoa and a new wardrobe.  And she didn't have to say a thing to do it.  It's implied that her husband/whatever is the buyer- does he get to be transported two feet, change into a stupid costume, and hold his own fake cup of plastic only when he agrees to sign, or what?

Seriously.  What the hell, Hyundai?

Toyota hates us. Just in case we had forgotten, let's check this out!

I watched this commercial all the way through twice, and that's the most I'm going to put myself through, because I really hoped that in two viewings I'd figure out what these self-absorbed, self-congratulatory rejects from any self-respecting karaoke bar are declaring their independence from.  But the best I can come with is that when they "sing" (using that term VERY losely) "you don't own me," what they are referring to is the basics of safe driving they learned back in High School.  They are screeching that they are no longer "owned" by the society's suffocating demand that they pay attention while driving, that they keep their stereos at a level which allows them to hear other cars, including emergency vehicles, that they are alert for sudden changes in driving conditions- rock slides, ice patches, children chasing basketballs, etc.  You know, the rules of the road that us Lessers are still shackled to, poor us.

Anyway, if one of these commercials ends up with each and every one of these caterwalling jackasses screeching "you don't own me" to Gravity as they plunge down ravines in their brand-new Toyotas, I'll consider my Christmas present delivered and received with great joy and appreciation.  Not holding my breath, though (hey, another idea for these losers I find preferable than having them continue to try to sing!)

Google continues to push me closer to the edge....

This is so rank, I can't believe there isn't a punchline at the end of it instead of just making me want to punch someone.

The final scene, where the "dad" responds to seeing his son in a spacesuit by asking Google "what's on the calendar" is the real breaking point for me.  Dude, your son is standing right fucking there.  Why can't you just ask him and break up your morning of Ignoring the other Homo Sapiens in the house?*  If Google replied "nothing is on the calendar for today," would you think your son had just gone nuts?  If your son had responded "it's space day," would you have believed him?  Would you have even recognized his voice?  Would it have helped if he had spoken in a robotic Google voice, because you've trained yourself to believe that Google Knows All?

Is this what we really want?  Anyone?

*The one time "husband" actually addresses a human being in this ad, it's to ask "wife" if a package on it's way is for him.  Why didn't he just ask Google?  At this point, why would he believe his wife would have more knowledge about a package she ordered than The Google does?

iPhone 7 ramps up the "give a middle finger to society" quotient

I used to think that only a Sociopath would want phone speakers which would allow you to share your particular taste in music with people three blocks away, but since its apparently become perfectly normal to be a self-absorbed asshat with absolutely no respect or consideration for anyone else, I guess we have to come up with a different word now.

Introducing the iPhone 7 with stereo speakers- just in case you weren't positive that you were the most loathsome human being on the planet, here's something to seal the deal.

As for this particular ad- too damned bad if you were taking a nap poolside, or reading a book, or just communing with your thoughts, because for as long as  it takes this disgusting old twat to climb those steps and jump into the pool and climb back out, you are going to be listening to his ridiculous salute to himself, courtesy of his iPhone 7 which has better speakers than my last Honda.  It wasn't really all that long ago that you'd expect someone to reach over and shut the damn thing off, or even chuck it into the pool, in response to this douchenozzle's "I am the only person in the universe" attitude.  But the other people at poolside don't even blink at the phone blaring music so loud that it's causing the table it's on to shake.  I guess they think that's cool now- never mind that if even one more person had that phone and the same idea, they'd be drowning out eachother, besides making what used to be a nice, calming experience a living hell for the people who just want to get a little sun for chrissakes.

Merry Christmas, Apple.  May you be visited by several ghosts tonight who show you the asshattery of your ways.

From jeans to TV Razors, Bret Favre just keeps fumbling

1.  It's "German Engineered."  This "fact" is repeated ad nauseum throughout this and other commercials for this stupid razor.  When did "German Engineered" become a mark of quality, anyway?  I wonder if ads in Germany hawk products as being "American Engineered?"  The way the announcers breathlessly proclaim the Germanness of these razors, you'd think that the superiority of German shaving technology was just a given.  Am I completely out of the loop, or what?

2.  The blades are coated with a "Non-stick surface," because we guys all know what a hassle it is when our ordinary razors stick to our skin during shaving.  Seriously, though, has this EVER happened to ANYBODY?  I half-expected the announcer to tell us that the razors double as frying pans.  Non-stick surface?  Really?

3.  The German Engineering of this amazing groundbreaking discovery provides a blade which lasts...a month.  You know, like pretty much all blades, including the ones you can buy at the CVS down the street which come with a razor and which cost around ten bucks.  How do we know they only last a month?  Well, the freaking ad comes right out and TELLS us they do, by providing twelve razor cartidges and calling these "a year's worth."  Points for honesty, but come on- if they only last a month, they aren't any better than the ones I own and use now, and they aren't even "German Engineered" as far as I know....

4.  William P,  non-paid Spokeschoad, tells us that he was spending "twenty or thirty dollars a month" on razors before coming across this offer.  Oh, you have got to be kidding, Mr. P..  I just randomly researched popular razor blade brands online, and the MOST expensive version I could find was for the Gillette Mach 3-- a razor and twelve cartidges for $23.99.  If you are going through "twenty or thirty dollars a MONTH" on razors, your skin must be made of freaking balloon-quality silk.  Or you are a pampered brat who refuses to use the same blade more than two or three times before tossing it in the garbage (in which case, these In No Way Superior Except for Being German Engineered blades are not going to solve your tragic problem.)  Yet he's backed up by Dr. Joseph D (who is a cardiologist, and therefore knows a lot more than you or I about shaving) who agrees that $20 gets most guys a month's worth of shaves- so most guys go through twelve cartidges a month...what the hell....)

5.  The blades aren't just "German Engineered," they are GERMAN.  Maybe everything German really is popular in the United States these days.  46% of us voted in our very own Fuhrer after all, and we didn't even have to burn down the Reichstag first.

6.  The spokeschoads never really tell us that they get their best shave ever, or even a superior shave- they just say things like "good shave" or "nice shave."  More points for honesty.

7.  The usual seal-the-deal-with-add-ons ploy comes when they toss in a nose-hair trimmer which may or may not be German Engineered (seems unlikely, though, since it's not part of the pitch.)  You can even get a Free Bonus Caddy (piece of plastic to hold your overpriced, overhyped junk) but only if you take the Deluxe Offer, which I'm guessing involves taking the nose-trimmer for free Just Pay Separate Shipping and Handling scam.)

8.  Bret Favre.  This is what he gets to do while Peyton Manning continues to stink up television during actual football games doing commercials for Nationwide.  I'd say that this illustrates the difference between one ring and two, except that Peyton was a ubiquitous presence on commercials before he got his FIRST ring and Tom Brady doesn't show up on tv despite having FOUR.  Television is weird.