Sift Away, you lost me with "Watch This."

Um, NO!  You CAN'T MAKE ME!

And you can't sell me on the idea that "everyone loves cats" or whatever piece of bs you start this ad with.  I'm in the universe which includes everyone, and I have zero interest in having one of these little mammals in my house, stinking the place up with their sandboxes of stench-filled poo.  Yuck.

Of course, dogs are even worse- especially in the suburbs, where the Joys of Ownership include walking the things around and picking up their leavings.  Yeah, that's attractive.  Why stop at one- I want at least a dozen dogs.  The more the merrier, right?

Anyway, I hope that nobody felt compelled to watch this awfulness.  It was too good to pass up for this site, but I wouldn't even wish the ad on a cat owner.  This must seem all too familiar to you.  I don't understand you at all and I'm quite sure I don't want to, but I am curious- do you really think that if you just sift away the horrible clumps you leave behind "clean" litter your nasty little pet will be just thrilled to use again and again?  Really?

G-d damn you, McDonalds.....

1.  "Time after Time" was released during my first year in college and is my all-time favorite Cyndi Lauper song.  If you were going to use it to sell your fried junk, you should have hired Cyndi sing it instead of the twee nobodies you hired (who, by the way, should have their vocal cords surgically removed so we never have to hear their Adult Easy Listening version ever, ever again.)  If Cyndi told you to go to hell, you should have just moved on to another song.  I notice that Cat Stevens is willing to sell out these days.

2.  "If you care about your children," you don't care that the deep fried crap is all white meat, because you know that doesn't make it worth eating or in any way valuable nutrition for your kids.  Maybe the sentence should read "if you care about your children but not enough to avoid fast-food poison because hey, there's only so much time in the day and it's cheap, McDonalds uses all-white meat in its fried chicken parts.  Plus we sell cartons of milk."

Meanwhile, I'll never be able to listen to "Time after Time" without being reminded of this commercial.  "G-d damn you" is actually too polite, but it's the holidays, so....

Quaker thinks this is cute

Haha, mom had to get a lawyer to negotiate with her son to clean his room, because her son got a lawyer lol that is just too funny...

Except, no.  It's pretty damned stupid, actually.  Especially the "on the grounds that I brought you into this world and it's the least you can do" line- really?  "I gave birth to you, so the least you could do to thank me is to clean your room?"  How about "because I'm your mother, and I said so?"  Anyone say this anymore?  If not, why not?  Anyone else think that this kid can start negotiating his chores when he pays rent?

Anyway, the "problem" between pathetic mom and disgusting jerkwad son is "solved" through a strategic application of the old Food Bribe- "if you agree to clean your room, you'll get a tasteless log of rice, nuts and honey holding the damn thing together."  But this isn't super realistic to me- if this kid has grown to be such an obstinate little brat that he'll hire a lawyer to avoid cleaning his room, I'm pretty sure he hasn't had to ask very often for the Food Used To Shut Him Up.  If anything, it seems to me that this woman has probably spent most of the last several years shoveling stuff at this kid to keep Peace in the Home.  The result is this nasty little toad refusing to clean his room without prepayment.

Gross.  But the YouTube commentators like it.  Go figure.

Another Lexus ad which I'm quite sure is SUPPOSED to be as vile as it is

Lexus is assaulting us (there is no other word for it) with these Thoroughly Revolting People Who Already Have F--ing Everything Getting Santa to Give Them Luxury Cars commmercials which pop up during Every. Single. Commercial Break and have pretty much convinced me that I simply can't watch any more bowl games this season.....

They are all pretty much the same, but in this one Disgusting Entitled Aunt who doesn't like kids agrees to take her neice to see Santa because despite the fact that she's clearly got money coming out of her f--ing ears and appears to be an adult, she thinks that the best way to land herself a Lexus this Christmas is to ask a fairy tale for one.  Loathsome Aunt helps set up the Next Generation of Mammon-worshippers by bribing her neice to do the asking- and the moment neice agrees and runs off to see Santa (no line, I guess maybe Aunt bribed the other kids to take a hike) Aunt crosses her arms and looks thoroughly convinced that this is going to work.

Not only does Santa grant the little kid's wish, but Aunt doesn't even have to wait till Christmas morning- they drive back to the girl's house in the Lexus.  So Santa was so damned taken with the little girl that oh hey sure of course, here are the keys?  Or was there an exchange of "gifts" between Santa and Aunt off-camera (sorry, but there has GOT to be more than meets the eye here.)  At any rate, I guess the Audi they came with was just left in the parking garage?

As is the case in every single one of the noxious piles of steaming crud, the commercial ends with a heartwarming scene in which white people stand in front of a $3 million house and gaze in appreciation at the latest f--ing bauble in the driveway.  Meanwhile, Timmy on the other side of the tracks didn't get those new boots to replace the ones with holes in them because, well, priorities.  I'd tell Lexus to go die in a fire, except that I think they go out of their way to make these ads as horrible as they can because they are aimed at people who are constantly looking for ways to engage in conspicuous consumption and who enjoy being entitled asshats.  So if their commercials infuriate me, mission accomplished.

Now go die in a fire, Lexus.

Hyundai's Christmas of Confusion

Can someone please explain to me why, after the ugly-as-hell potential customer tilts his head and juts his jaw out, he spends the rest of the commercial acting as if his feet are nailed to the floor?  Seriously, he seems convinced that he'll step on a landmine if he moves one inch in any direction, so he just stands there weirdly tilting his body (after doing that weird "big" move which I think has beeen banned in at least eight states.)  It's especially awkward at the very end, when he apparently attempts to LOOK at the saleschoad's ring tone by leaning slightly forward- mustn't move those legs!

Is it about being paralyzed until one feels "Festive?"  Because his significant other jumps two spaces the moment she buys in to the whole holiday cheer thing.  She even gets her own cup of hot cocoa and a new wardrobe.  And she didn't have to say a thing to do it.  It's implied that her husband/whatever is the buyer- does he get to be transported two feet, change into a stupid costume, and hold his own fake cup of plastic only when he agrees to sign, or what?

Seriously.  What the hell, Hyundai?

Toyota hates us. Just in case we had forgotten, let's check this out!

I watched this commercial all the way through twice, and that's the most I'm going to put myself through, because I really hoped that in two viewings I'd figure out what these self-absorbed, self-congratulatory rejects from any self-respecting karaoke bar are declaring their independence from.  But the best I can come with is that when they "sing" (using that term VERY losely) "you don't own me," what they are referring to is the basics of safe driving they learned back in High School.  They are screeching that they are no longer "owned" by the society's suffocating demand that they pay attention while driving, that they keep their stereos at a level which allows them to hear other cars, including emergency vehicles, that they are alert for sudden changes in driving conditions- rock slides, ice patches, children chasing basketballs, etc.  You know, the rules of the road that us Lessers are still shackled to, poor us.

Anyway, if one of these commercials ends up with each and every one of these caterwalling jackasses screeching "you don't own me" to Gravity as they plunge down ravines in their brand-new Toyotas, I'll consider my Christmas present delivered and received with great joy and appreciation.  Not holding my breath, though (hey, another idea for these losers I find preferable than having them continue to try to sing!)

Google continues to push me closer to the edge....

This is so rank, I can't believe there isn't a punchline at the end of it instead of just making me want to punch someone.

The final scene, where the "dad" responds to seeing his son in a spacesuit by asking Google "what's on the calendar" is the real breaking point for me.  Dude, your son is standing right fucking there.  Why can't you just ask him and break up your morning of Ignoring the other Homo Sapiens in the house?*  If Google replied "nothing is on the calendar for today," would you think your son had just gone nuts?  If your son had responded "it's space day," would you have believed him?  Would you have even recognized his voice?  Would it have helped if he had spoken in a robotic Google voice, because you've trained yourself to believe that Google Knows All?

Is this what we really want?  Anyone?

*The one time "husband" actually addresses a human being in this ad, it's to ask "wife" if a package on it's way is for him.  Why didn't he just ask Google?  At this point, why would he believe his wife would have more knowledge about a package she ordered than The Google does?