If Kid Cuisine was actually made OF penguins, it might be more nutritious.....

I guess all the penguin stuff ("made by pengueens?"  Wow, we aren't even trying here, are we?) is meant to distract us from the fact that this is greasy non-food disguised as Decent Nutrition and Good Parenting.  It fails because if the child penguin - no doubt desperate to consume SOMETHING that wasn't actively KILLING him- didn't show up with a basket of peaches there would be NO nutritionally redeeming value to the "meal," which until the introduction of a dabble of fruit consisted of fried processed chicken parts and fried potatoes.

And then we get to see why the little kid is eating this crap- Mommy is a bit too busy on the phone to "waste" time making something that might actually help her offspring grow up to be a healthy adult.  Naw, just eat this microwaved fat instead, kid.   Mommy's got priorities.

"Made by pengueens" but fortunately not actually consumed by them.  We have enough endangered species as it is.

McDonald's sets a very low bar for interns....

So the people in this office think that their new intern is "great" because he managed to go all the way to McDonalds and bring back the right coffees.  Uh-huh.

Personally, I'd pull the intern aside and tell him that McDonalds has these things called "lids" and they are available for the coffees with whipped cream as well as the ones without.  They are really helpful when you pick up coffee that is actually coffee and not obviously plastic.  As in, real life.  Which is what I think McDonalds was going for here....which means that this intern is not "great," but instead really, really stupid because he got lids for some of the coffees but not for others.  Even if the McDonalds he went to is on the main floor of this building, that's really stupid and not something any "great" intern does-- or anything anyone with two brain cells to rub together does.

So who is dumber here- the stupid intern or the employee who calls him "great?"

Samsung's Gearfit and the Perfect Crime

Let's cut right to the chase, shall we?  This guy is clearly not used to physical exercise.  He didn't get that belly overnight, and it's not going to go away overnight.  He should not be attempting to jog down the street like that, especially if he's sweating and gasping for air after three hundredths of a mile.

It would make a lot more sense for him to start off with short walks, and quickly transition to longer walks.  Then start mixing short runs with his long walks.  Finally, if his knees hold up and his heart rate stays within a safe range, go entirely to runs.  Stepping out of the house and immediately breaking into a jog?  Not a good plan.  At all.

Oh, and I've got more bad news for you, sweaty fat guy- your wife is trying to kill you.  She's encouraging you to continue to do something you are clearly not ready to do and that no sane, licensed physician would recommend.  She's either got a boyfriend or you've done a great job keeping the insurance payments current.  You're welcome.

Spray Perfect- another Made for TV Gem!

Well darn, I was JUST about to order this AMAZING new product (just for my toes, of course- in my line of work, it might be dangerous to my paycheck to use it on my fingernails) when I scrolled down the comments and realized that the makers of this ad are engaged in a rather blatant form of Lying By Omission.  It turns out that the reason why the spray-on polish "magically" sticks to your nails and not to your fingers is because you have to apply a "base coat" to your nails first- oh, and you do that AFTER washing your hands very carefully to remove any trace of oils which might prevent the spray from sticking to those nails.

So when push comes to shove, spraying probably doesn't take any less time than applying polish the old fashioned way.  I guess you're supposed to find this out after you've purchased it and the makers of this junk have your money already.

I still might consider buying this- not for me, but for my students, if I find that the spray does not produce the same migraine-triggering stench that comes whenever one of the girls in my classes pops open a bottle of polish or polish remover.  I mean, I'd rather explain to the building manager why the desks are covered with spray paint than explain to the police why I had to throw that kid out the window for "forgetting" that Mr. Jamele can't deal with the smell of toxic chemicals, not to mention that Room 133 is AP History, not a freaking Nail Salon.....

Verizon's "never explore on your own ever" crusade against humanity continues...

...or you could actually carry on a conversation, play cards, read books... you know, like non-lunatics did before it was possible to lose oneself in a phone or (ugh, someone kill me now) 3-D glasses which let you "see" what you're going to see before you get there...gag....

Hey, you know what else lets you see things in 3D?  Your EYES.  High-Def, too.  No, really.

Never mind.  Just put these things on and descend further into that isolating electronic cocoon you've allowed technology to build for you.  Sad, sad people.

23andMe: The Ultimate Selfie

Or maybe it's just the Ultimate in self-absorbed, money-burning-a-hole-in-your-pocket naval gazing self-absorption?

There's a radio commercial on XM/Sirius for this company that basically screams "look how f--ing insane this product will make you, you bored jackwagons!" It features a couple on what seems to be their first date.  The guy tries to make small talk but his attempts at being friendly are constantly foiled by his date's obsession with her new 23andme report.  He offers her a coffee, and she declines, telling him that her 23andme report says she's more likely to be addicted to coffee.  He suggests a movie, and she replies that its a good idea because her 23andme report says she's more likely to be a night person.  When she says she has to run, she adds "and I CAN run, because my 23andme report says I am likely to be a good sprinter!"

Her date responds politely, which suggests to me that she's probably really, really hot, but I can't tell for sure because after all it's a radio commercial.  If he were me, I'd respond by telling her goodbye and tossing her phone number in the nearest garbage can, because looks aren't everything and I've dated more than my share of lunatics in the past.

As far as I'm concerned, 23andme (and Ancestry.com and all the other Find Out Who You Are By Ignoring Your Actual Life "services") are just symptoms of the cocoon-society we find ourselves in. If you want to "know who you are" these days, you don't take classes or volunteer or write or do anything to discover and unleash hidden talents.  You just send a few drops of your spit to a laboratory or pay some internet company to tell you where your great-grandparents were doing a hundred years before you were born.  You don't build anything yourself- you just take credit for what some distant ancestor did in another country because after all, that guy passed his genetic material on through your family so....um, well, that's about it, actually.  And you don't take responsibility for anything you do, you just find some chemical excuse for it- "I'm addicted to coffee because that runs in my family."  Oh, and you totally toss out the concept of Free Will along with your individualism- "I'm just a bag of germs mixed with DNA strands made up of people who came before- whatever I do is pretermined by that DNA."

This sounds good to some people- mainly those who are so bored and directionless and afraid of life that they need a security blanket and a map and big shove to get them through each day.  I thought that was what established religion was for?  Or are 23andme and Ancestry.com just the new religion?  The Church of Me, anyone?

Verizon's idea of "Balance...."

One of the world's most successful drug dealers has noticed that some people are starting to spend all of their waking hours partaking of the drug being sold to them.  So that very successful drug dealer, having spent millions of dollars in commercials convincing its customers that they should never, ever stop using the drug and should not ever let anything else interfer with the use of that drug, decides to create a series of advertisements designed to convince the junkies that the drug dealer is really concerned that the drug has become a little too important and wants to offer a compromise.

Let's say your kid really wants you to be at his birthday party.  But you'd rather be taking your drug.  No problem- just physically be at the birthday party while mentally devoting all of your energy to the drug.  The kids won't mind- they'll look up and see you every once in a while, standing there with a big stupid look on your face, and they might even be able to convince themselves that those smiles are for them and not a consequence of your ability to feed your addiction while "attending" the party.

 It might add a little to the deceit if you could bring yourself to look up every once in a while, but hey, baby steps.

So here's how you balance "life" with "television:"  Go through the motions of being engaged in life, and just keep watching television, you drooling zombies.  Any other questions?  Ask Google.