The nation I live in, according to radio commercials

If you listen to Sirius/XM Radio for an hour, you could fairly come to the conclusion that in the United States,

1. Millions of Americans are carrying at least $10,000 in credit card debt that they "can't" pay back,

2. Millions of Americans have been ducking and dodging the IRS for years because they owe huge amounts of money in back taxes or have not even filed their taxes in like forever.  Presumably they need help because they can't afford Donald Trump's lawyers. AND....

3.  Millions of Americans use CPAP machines that they don't know how to clean properly.   Maybe this is the case- for the first six years I traveled to Louisville to grade Advanced Placement exams for Educational Testing Service I was randomly assigned a roomate, and TWICE the person I was paired with used one of these devices.  That's a remarkable coincidence, or these machines are more common that I could have ever imagined.

I realized last November 8 that I didn't know the United States nearly as well as I thought I did.  But Sirius XM Radio is constantly reminding me what an outlier I am....

And all from the comfort of your couch!

"Forge your own Empire.....on a computer or TV screen.  You know, instead of actually doing something!"

And the best part is, you'll burn almost no calories or mental energy doing it.  So just settle in which a crate of Cheetos and a few cases of Red Bull and kiss another weekend goodbye.  Enjoy your expanding wasteline and dead brain cells, they are the best friends you've got outside of Facebook.

Losers.

If Kid Cuisine was actually made OF penguins, it might be more nutritious.....

I guess all the penguin stuff ("made by pengueens?"  Wow, we aren't even trying here, are we?) is meant to distract us from the fact that this is greasy non-food disguised as Decent Nutrition and Good Parenting.  It fails because if the child penguin - no doubt desperate to consume SOMETHING that wasn't actively KILLING him- didn't show up with a basket of peaches there would be NO nutritionally redeeming value to the "meal," which until the introduction of a dabble of fruit consisted of fried processed chicken parts and fried potatoes.

And then we get to see why the little kid is eating this crap- Mommy is a bit too busy on the phone to "waste" time making something that might actually help her offspring grow up to be a healthy adult.  Naw, just eat this microwaved fat instead, kid.   Mommy's got priorities.

"Made by pengueens" but fortunately not actually consumed by them.  We have enough endangered species as it is.

McDonald's sets a very low bar for interns....

So the people in this office think that their new intern is "great" because he managed to go all the way to McDonalds and bring back the right coffees.  Uh-huh.

Personally, I'd pull the intern aside and tell him that McDonalds has these things called "lids" and they are available for the coffees with whipped cream as well as the ones without.  They are really helpful when you pick up coffee that is actually coffee and not obviously plastic.  As in, real life.  Which is what I think McDonalds was going for here....which means that this intern is not "great," but instead really, really stupid because he got lids for some of the coffees but not for others.  Even if the McDonalds he went to is on the main floor of this building, that's really stupid and not something any "great" intern does-- or anything anyone with two brain cells to rub together does.

So who is dumber here- the stupid intern or the employee who calls him "great?"

Samsung's Gearfit and the Perfect Crime

Let's cut right to the chase, shall we?  This guy is clearly not used to physical exercise.  He didn't get that belly overnight, and it's not going to go away overnight.  He should not be attempting to jog down the street like that, especially if he's sweating and gasping for air after three hundredths of a mile.

It would make a lot more sense for him to start off with short walks, and quickly transition to longer walks.  Then start mixing short runs with his long walks.  Finally, if his knees hold up and his heart rate stays within a safe range, go entirely to runs.  Stepping out of the house and immediately breaking into a jog?  Not a good plan.  At all.

Oh, and I've got more bad news for you, sweaty fat guy- your wife is trying to kill you.  She's encouraging you to continue to do something you are clearly not ready to do and that no sane, licensed physician would recommend.  She's either got a boyfriend or you've done a great job keeping the insurance payments current.  You're welcome.

Spray Perfect- another Made for TV Gem!

Well darn, I was JUST about to order this AMAZING new product (just for my toes, of course- in my line of work, it might be dangerous to my paycheck to use it on my fingernails) when I scrolled down the comments and realized that the makers of this ad are engaged in a rather blatant form of Lying By Omission.  It turns out that the reason why the spray-on polish "magically" sticks to your nails and not to your fingers is because you have to apply a "base coat" to your nails first- oh, and you do that AFTER washing your hands very carefully to remove any trace of oils which might prevent the spray from sticking to those nails.

So when push comes to shove, spraying probably doesn't take any less time than applying polish the old fashioned way.  I guess you're supposed to find this out after you've purchased it and the makers of this junk have your money already.

I still might consider buying this- not for me, but for my students, if I find that the spray does not produce the same migraine-triggering stench that comes whenever one of the girls in my classes pops open a bottle of polish or polish remover.  I mean, I'd rather explain to the building manager why the desks are covered with spray paint than explain to the police why I had to throw that kid out the window for "forgetting" that Mr. Jamele can't deal with the smell of toxic chemicals, not to mention that Room 133 is AP History, not a freaking Nail Salon.....

Verizon's "never explore on your own ever" crusade against humanity continues...

...or you could actually carry on a conversation, play cards, read books... you know, like non-lunatics did before it was possible to lose oneself in a phone or (ugh, someone kill me now) 3-D glasses which let you "see" what you're going to see before you get there...gag....

Hey, you know what else lets you see things in 3D?  Your EYES.  High-Def, too.  No, really.

Never mind.  Just put these things on and descend further into that isolating electronic cocoon you've allowed technology to build for you.  Sad, sad people.