Verizon's "Half House" commercial makes NO sense

I suffered through this entire stupid commercial because I thought that at the end, the message would be "if you live in a space only half the size of the average house, a lot of companies will make you full price, and that's not fair.  But Verizon doesn't charge you for more than you get, so if you live in half a house, we only charge you half THEIR price...."

Instead, the whole "half-house" thing seems to be completely pointless.  Yes, these idiots live in "half a house," for whatever reason.  But Verizon doesn't discriminate against them "just" because they live in "half a house"- Verizon treats them exactly the way they treat their customers who live in normal, full-sized houses (or the kind of houses that exist on tv- massive, gleaming mansions.)  Verizon charges the half-house people every bit as much for cable as they charge people who live in those full-houses.  Um, yay Verizon?

(By the way, the "half-house" shown here is still bigger than my apartment, which is connected to the outside world by Verizon for a fee that makes me feel like I live in a big house...um, thanks again, Verizon?)

Another episode of Verizon's Not-So-Brave New World....

Watching the idiots in this ad act as if the world is coming to an end because they can't watch television on the train or are experiencing several entire seconds of "unconnectability" is either rage-inducing or sad, depending on how much coffee I've gotten in to me when I watch it.  That guy on the train looks like his head is going to explode if he goes much longer without spilling mindless crap into it.  Oh noes, he's alone with his thoughts!  Hit the fricking panic button!

And then we have the countless scenes of people standing on their cars, on their bathtubs, frozen in one place on the street, frantically trying to get a signal...instead of just moving on with their lives and doing something else for now or going somewhere else to find a signal if "doing something else right now" is just too bizarre an idea to contemplate.  And what is that jackass doing with those cats?  Oh, of course- he's making an Awesome YouTube Video millions will Like but will add absolutely nothing of value to anyone's life, but will cost those millions several minutes that they'll never get back. 

But the very worst part is when we see the  jackass "parent" in his son's treehouse, who for some reason can't just be having fun with his offspring in the backyard because....he can't get a signal?  Why?  Oh, let me guess:  the plan was to sit in that treehouse and watch a movie on the phone, right?  Because why else would you build a treehouse other than to have another place to watch tv?

Anyone really want to live like this?

The nation I live in, according to radio commercials

If you listen to Sirius/XM Radio for an hour, you could fairly come to the conclusion that in the United States,

1. Millions of Americans are carrying at least $10,000 in credit card debt that they "can't" pay back,

2. Millions of Americans have been ducking and dodging the IRS for years because they owe huge amounts of money in back taxes or have not even filed their taxes in like forever.  Presumably they need help because they can't afford Donald Trump's lawyers. AND....

3.  Millions of Americans use CPAP machines that they don't know how to clean properly.   Maybe this is the case- for the first six years I traveled to Louisville to grade Advanced Placement exams for Educational Testing Service I was randomly assigned a roomate, and TWICE the person I was paired with used one of these devices.  That's a remarkable coincidence, or these machines are more common that I could have ever imagined.

I realized last November 8 that I didn't know the United States nearly as well as I thought I did.  But Sirius XM Radio is constantly reminding me what an outlier I am....

And all from the comfort of your couch!

"Forge your own Empire.....on a computer or TV screen.  You know, instead of actually doing something!"

And the best part is, you'll burn almost no calories or mental energy doing it.  So just settle in which a crate of Cheetos and a few cases of Red Bull and kiss another weekend goodbye.  Enjoy your expanding wasteline and dead brain cells, they are the best friends you've got outside of Facebook.

Losers.

If Kid Cuisine was actually made OF penguins, it might be more nutritious.....

I guess all the penguin stuff ("made by pengueens?"  Wow, we aren't even trying here, are we?) is meant to distract us from the fact that this is greasy non-food disguised as Decent Nutrition and Good Parenting.  It fails because if the child penguin - no doubt desperate to consume SOMETHING that wasn't actively KILLING him- didn't show up with a basket of peaches there would be NO nutritionally redeeming value to the "meal," which until the introduction of a dabble of fruit consisted of fried processed chicken parts and fried potatoes.

And then we get to see why the little kid is eating this crap- Mommy is a bit too busy on the phone to "waste" time making something that might actually help her offspring grow up to be a healthy adult.  Naw, just eat this microwaved fat instead, kid.   Mommy's got priorities.

"Made by pengueens" but fortunately not actually consumed by them.  We have enough endangered species as it is.

McDonald's sets a very low bar for interns....

So the people in this office think that their new intern is "great" because he managed to go all the way to McDonalds and bring back the right coffees.  Uh-huh.

Personally, I'd pull the intern aside and tell him that McDonalds has these things called "lids" and they are available for the coffees with whipped cream as well as the ones without.  They are really helpful when you pick up coffee that is actually coffee and not obviously plastic.  As in, real life.  Which is what I think McDonalds was going for here....which means that this intern is not "great," but instead really, really stupid because he got lids for some of the coffees but not for others.  Even if the McDonalds he went to is on the main floor of this building, that's really stupid and not something any "great" intern does-- or anything anyone with two brain cells to rub together does.

So who is dumber here- the stupid intern or the employee who calls him "great?"

Samsung's Gearfit and the Perfect Crime

Let's cut right to the chase, shall we?  This guy is clearly not used to physical exercise.  He didn't get that belly overnight, and it's not going to go away overnight.  He should not be attempting to jog down the street like that, especially if he's sweating and gasping for air after three hundredths of a mile.

It would make a lot more sense for him to start off with short walks, and quickly transition to longer walks.  Then start mixing short runs with his long walks.  Finally, if his knees hold up and his heart rate stays within a safe range, go entirely to runs.  Stepping out of the house and immediately breaking into a jog?  Not a good plan.  At all.

Oh, and I've got more bad news for you, sweaty fat guy- your wife is trying to kill you.  She's encouraging you to continue to do something you are clearly not ready to do and that no sane, licensed physician would recommend.  She's either got a boyfriend or you've done a great job keeping the insurance payments current.  You're welcome.