It's a Glade Air Freshener commercial. I'm not kidding.

No, seriously.  All this crap is here to sell you one of those things you buy to cover up the fact that you don't clean the bathroom as often as you really should.  I expect the woman in this ad to be entering the mystical, magical land of Lysol pretty soon, because spraying a house with chemicals is also easier than lugging out the freaking vacuum and mop.

This is just plain bizarre.

"What's Important" according to PNC Insurance....

Turns out that ninety percent of this advertisement is dad's fantasy of what his daughter's wedding will look like (and cost.)  He's daydreaming about his little girl's wedding day as he stares at her sitting on her bed.  The little girl looks to to be around six or so, meaning that wedding date is a little while off, but considering the scope of the wedding he's imagining I guess it makes sense for him to start saving now.

So when this guy looks at his little daughter and thinks of the future, he doesn't imagine his little girl graduating from Law School or starting her own business or traveling the world or writing the Great American Novel.  Nope.  Today she's his daughter, but someday she'll be somebody's wife, and she'll be out of his house (maybe he's just fantasizing about what he can do with the room once she's been handed off?)  That day of transition will come with a big, beautiful and very expensive party, but it will come.  And when it does, it will include all the stupid stereotypical showy frilly bells and whistles dad can afford.  So if he wants to show well to his neighbors and the family of the Appropriately Male and White Groom, he'd better open that investment account right now.

College?  Meh, whatever.  Maybe later, if he's got time and money and if he ever gets around to seeing his daughter as something more than a princess in a fairy story getting whisked off by her Prince Charming.  Hell, I'll be happy if he just stops staring at her and imagining her on her wedding night.  Stop that, creepy dad!

Bud Light Presents: Spuds Mackenzie, and another illustration of why I mute the Superbowl Commercials

In this truly reprehensible take on A Christmas Carol, an ugly young man who decides that he's just going to stay home and not spend yet another night drinking cheap, crappy watered-down beer with his loser friends is shown the error of his ways by the ghost of a done-to-death advertising campaign from the 1980s.

After admitting that he "has no excuse" for why he doesn't feel like yakking it up with the dumbass clueless idiots who try to fill every free moment of their lives with pointless blather and alcohol, the ghost of Spuds Mackenzie (remember him?  Me too.  Miss him?  Me neither) dangles before him and takes him on a journey of discovery in which it's revealed that while he has been hanging out at home, his friends have been busy being stupid at bars and bad neighbors in the suburbs.  If only he had made better choices, he could have been there when the illiterate morons he used to hang with couldn't finish a common phrase to win a trivia contest!  If only he had not blown off that party at his Nameless Friend's house, they wouldn't have run out of Bud Light, causing Rudy to fail to score with Suzy.  Or causing Suzy to make it home safely instead of driving her Kia into that van of kids trying to get home from the movies.  He could at LEAST joined in the fun when Bob got into that fight with the police officer who came to issue the noise complaint.  Or something.

At no point is it even suggested that this guy's friends really care one whit whether he's there or not, by the way.  They seem to be having a great time without him- probably because, despite the ad's tagline, it really is all about the beer, not the friendship.  We don't see them mourning his absence.  Nobody offers a toast to him and wonders why he became such a weirdo who wants to do something other than hang out and drink even when he doesn't have an "excuse."  They are just One Idiot Short, and that seems to be just fine with them.

Anyway, thanks to the dangling spirit of the Bud Light mascot, our Hero realizes what a terrible mistake he's been making whenever he's decided that he just doesn't feel like spending another evening drinking garbage with his drooling idiot friends.  So from now on he'll be there, and those friends will notice because he has the trivia answer and he brought another case of Bud Light-- and that's about it.   Pretty sad.

(Go Patriots.)

Verizon's "Half House" commercial makes NO sense

I suffered through this entire stupid commercial because I thought that at the end, the message would be "if you live in a space only half the size of the average house, a lot of companies will make you full price, and that's not fair.  But Verizon doesn't charge you for more than you get, so if you live in half a house, we only charge you half THEIR price...."

Instead, the whole "half-house" thing seems to be completely pointless.  Yes, these idiots live in "half a house," for whatever reason.  But Verizon doesn't discriminate against them "just" because they live in "half a house"- Verizon treats them exactly the way they treat their customers who live in normal, full-sized houses (or the kind of houses that exist on tv- massive, gleaming mansions.)  Verizon charges the half-house people every bit as much for cable as they charge people who live in those full-houses.  Um, yay Verizon?

(By the way, the "half-house" shown here is still bigger than my apartment, which is connected to the outside world by Verizon for a fee that makes me feel like I live in a big house...um, thanks again, Verizon?)

Another episode of Verizon's Not-So-Brave New World....

Watching the idiots in this ad act as if the world is coming to an end because they can't watch television on the train or are experiencing several entire seconds of "unconnectability" is either rage-inducing or sad, depending on how much coffee I've gotten in to me when I watch it.  That guy on the train looks like his head is going to explode if he goes much longer without spilling mindless crap into it.  Oh noes, he's alone with his thoughts!  Hit the fricking panic button!

And then we have the countless scenes of people standing on their cars, on their bathtubs, frozen in one place on the street, frantically trying to get a signal...instead of just moving on with their lives and doing something else for now or going somewhere else to find a signal if "doing something else right now" is just too bizarre an idea to contemplate.  And what is that jackass doing with those cats?  Oh, of course- he's making an Awesome YouTube Video millions will Like but will add absolutely nothing of value to anyone's life, but will cost those millions several minutes that they'll never get back. 

But the very worst part is when we see the  jackass "parent" in his son's treehouse, who for some reason can't just be having fun with his offspring in the backyard because....he can't get a signal?  Why?  Oh, let me guess:  the plan was to sit in that treehouse and watch a movie on the phone, right?  Because why else would you build a treehouse other than to have another place to watch tv?

Anyone really want to live like this?

The nation I live in, according to radio commercials

If you listen to Sirius/XM Radio for an hour, you could fairly come to the conclusion that in the United States,

1. Millions of Americans are carrying at least $10,000 in credit card debt that they "can't" pay back,

2. Millions of Americans have been ducking and dodging the IRS for years because they owe huge amounts of money in back taxes or have not even filed their taxes in like forever.  Presumably they need help because they can't afford Donald Trump's lawyers. AND....

3.  Millions of Americans use CPAP machines that they don't know how to clean properly.   Maybe this is the case- for the first six years I traveled to Louisville to grade Advanced Placement exams for Educational Testing Service I was randomly assigned a roomate, and TWICE the person I was paired with used one of these devices.  That's a remarkable coincidence, or these machines are more common that I could have ever imagined.

I realized last November 8 that I didn't know the United States nearly as well as I thought I did.  But Sirius XM Radio is constantly reminding me what an outlier I am....

And all from the comfort of your couch!

"Forge your own Empire.....on a computer or TV screen.  You know, instead of actually doing something!"

And the best part is, you'll burn almost no calories or mental energy doing it.  So just settle in which a crate of Cheetos and a few cases of Red Bull and kiss another weekend goodbye.  Enjoy your expanding wasteline and dead brain cells, they are the best friends you've got outside of Facebook.

Losers.