I want to be a "Social Media Manager!"

Seriously, it sure looks to me as if Lilly has just landed the easiest job on the planet, if it really does consist of sending out one-sentance alibis to disgruntled customers she doesn't even have to talk to. She even has Grammarly to help her- meaning that she quite literally needs no expertise at all to do her "job" (when the network goes down, she has absolutely no clue- yet it's apparently her "job" to respond to customer complaints that the network is down and to reassure them that someone- certainly not her- is working to fix it.  Please explain to me why an automated system couldn't do what she's doing, and much faster?)

And yet, when the day is over, she's asked if she had a tough day.  Holy crap, if that was a tough day, I wonder what an easy one looks like!

Happy Valentines Day from Amazon and Doritos!

1.  This is a perfect opportunity for you to re-evaluate this relationship, and your life in general.  Why are you so desperately afraid to be alone for a little while, when THIS is the alternative?  Instead, you are just going to do what you always do, which is rationalize- "he's usually not like this," "every guy on the planet acts like a disgusting eight-year old with food,"  etc.  And just sit there like a slug and ask your electronic friend to order Doritos.

2.  This is also a perfect opportunity for you to excuse yourself to go buy more Doritos.  Maybe you can use the time outside the house to, yes, re-evaluate that relationship and your life in general.  Maybe you'll admit that you've had enough of spending every Sunday sitting on the couch for seven hours while "your man" fills himself with grease and stares at the screen like a zombie.  Maybe you'll admit that you jumped the gun a bit because you hit 25 and you heard that clock ticking.  Maybe you'll realize that you want a bit more out of life than this, and he's NOT going to change, and in ten years he's going to be 50 lbs heavier and even more loathsome and there's still going to be football every Sunday.

3.  Just think- the way technology is going, we are only a few months away from Doritos automatically being ordered when his fingers hit the sensors at the bottom of the bowl.  They'll arrive by drone and just tip into the bowl, and he won't even notice he's eating a fresh supply.

4.  Why are you sitting there?  Oh right, I keep forgetting- the house.  The MRS degree.  It's Better Than Being Alone in This Scary World.  But is it?  Really?

Oh and BTW, what's "Atomic" about the Atomic Lantern?

Notice how so many of these late-night Only Available on TV products are sold as "military grade" by scruffy guys with tough voices who I'm pretty sure are all trying to convince us that they are veterans of Operation Desert Storm and not serial killers?  The guy in this ad "needs" a tough "lantern" (i.e. flashlight) because he has this habit of tossing them into the back of his pickup truck and driving for several seconds through rough terrain before stopping and using it again.  Jeesh, why not just leave it in the front seat with you, moron?

Anyway, this "lantern"- which is just four sets of LED lights made in China- is available for $19.99 with free shipping, and if that isn't good enough to get you rushing to your phone, you can get a seconed one "for just an extra fee."  I really hope that the "extra fee" is another $19.99, because that would be hilarious- "you can get a SECOND Atomic Lantern for just double the price of one!  WOW!"

Anyway, the weird psychopath who likes to toss it into the back of his otherwise-practically-empty pickup before driving another twenty yards really likes it, plus you can encase it in ice or blind the fish in your aquarium with it, so I guess that's pretty cool.  Except I found another guy on Youtube who tells me that the only difference between this Atomic Lantern and the electric lanterns you can buy at Big Lots for $5 is that the Atomic Lantern is black and the ones at Big Lots are orange.  Hmm.

April 15 can't come fast enough...another stupid tax prep ad.....

Let's just ignore the fact that the only way that this guy knows how to research online tax preparation services is to use three laptops.  Because "New Window" is just not a thing in this guy's universe.  Whatever.

I'm more irritated at the thought that the guy in this ad can afford a nice house and three laptop computers, but he's spending his weekend looking for an online service that will do his income taxes for free.  Ugh, talk about penny-wise and pound foolish.  He's the kind of clown who is going to end up using LegalZoom to write up his Last Will and Testament because.....well, it's the cheapest option.

Moron.

Cookie Do. Less Solution, More Problem

Maybe the only thing the fattest nation on the planet needs more than another McRib season:  the perfect dessert to grab on the way home from another trip through the Taco Bell drive-thru.

Remember when eating cookie dough was something little kids did when there was some left in the bowl mom had used to mix it to....you know, make cookies?  Remember when eating large amounts of raw cookie dough was something comedy show writers imagined that heartbroken young women and single young men did because they were damaged or just plain infantile?

Of course, those were the days when watching hour after hour of television was seen as the last refuge of the friendless loser.  Today we buy cable packages which allow us to record thousands of hours so we never, never have to STOP watching tv, and gazing at it while sitting on buses or walking down the street is seen as perfectly normal, even desirable.  So, overflowing waffle cones stuffed with cookie dough?  Just par for the course.

I'm buying stock in pharmacutical companies that specialize in insulin tomorrow.  My comfy retirement is assured.

It's a Glade Air Freshener commercial. I'm not kidding.

No, seriously.  All this crap is here to sell you one of those things you buy to cover up the fact that you don't clean the bathroom as often as you really should.  I expect the woman in this ad to be entering the mystical, magical land of Lysol pretty soon, because spraying a house with chemicals is also easier than lugging out the freaking vacuum and mop.

This is just plain bizarre.

"What's Important" according to PNC Insurance....

Turns out that ninety percent of this advertisement is dad's fantasy of what his daughter's wedding will look like (and cost.)  He's daydreaming about his little girl's wedding day as he stares at her sitting on her bed.  The little girl looks to to be around six or so, meaning that wedding date is a little while off, but considering the scope of the wedding he's imagining I guess it makes sense for him to start saving now.

So when this guy looks at his little daughter and thinks of the future, he doesn't imagine his little girl graduating from Law School or starting her own business or traveling the world or writing the Great American Novel.  Nope.  Today she's his daughter, but someday she'll be somebody's wife, and she'll be out of his house (maybe he's just fantasizing about what he can do with the room once she's been handed off?)  That day of transition will come with a big, beautiful and very expensive party, but it will come.  And when it does, it will include all the stupid stereotypical showy frilly bells and whistles dad can afford.  So if he wants to show well to his neighbors and the family of the Appropriately Male and White Groom, he'd better open that investment account right now.

College?  Meh, whatever.  Maybe later, if he's got time and money and if he ever gets around to seeing his daughter as something more than a princess in a fairy story getting whisked off by her Prince Charming.  Hell, I'll be happy if he just stops staring at her and imagining her on her wedding night.  Stop that, creepy dad!