TV "Everywhere." Because really, what else is there?

I guess we are all supposed to be jealous of this zombie idiot's ability to endlessly watch tv as he strolls through what he laughingly calls "life."  No matter where he goes, his eyes are fixed to that screen, gazing at everything from Game of Thrones to ancient Seinfeld episodes to Back to the Future.....

Personally, I'll never understand what could possibly be attractive about staring at a phone like one of the freaking Walking Dead, oblivious to the world around you as you lose yourself in whatever witless crap you used to have to stop watching for a few moments because you left the house for some reason.  Thank goodness THOSE days are over, huh?  Now it's all television, all the time, which just leaves me wondering....why DID you leave your house, moron?  Because you could?  You sure don't look like you're about to accomplish anything beyond a crick in your neck (and premature blindness caused by thousands of hours of gazing at a glowing screen.  Please,  There is a G-d, isn't there?)

The only way this commercial ends well is if this drooling jackass walks in front of a doubledecker bus and gets squished like a ripe grape, him and his g-d-mned addiction shaped like a phone.  Loser.

Breathe Right, or go viral. I guess.

Because it's 2017, nobody thinks it's at all intrusive for this little girl to be making a YouTube video of her mother while she's sleeping.  Just keep taping your mom, isn't it hysterical that she's having trouble breathing and is snoring, boy does she need help- and the attention of as many viewers as we can find!  "Like" my post, everyone, and don't forget to Subscribe to my page, #StupidMomGaveMeAPhone!

It would be nice to imagine that in this commercial's sequel, we see Daughter lose her data plan for being so stunningly disrespectful- at least by 20th century standards.  But it's 2017.  This is just what people do now.  It's perfectly normal.  Really.

We are, on the other hand, right on par with Mexico.....

At least we can be assured that the people coming across the border looking for a better life won't turn on the tv for the first time in their new American home and instantly sneer at the poor quality of our commercials.  Not if this is any example of the junk they are currently being subject to back home.

Heck, I can see commercials like this as one of the reasons why people would flee to the United States.  Sorry, Dreamers- we may have more job opportunities, but our ads are just as rank and insulting.

In which we fall even farther behind Canada.....

American advertising agencies fully intend to start making commercials like this as soon as they've run out of drooling "Real People Not Actors" to gush over Chevrolets, zombies who need need need the latest SmartPhone because the one they bought last month Isn't Quite Good Enough Anymore, and middle-aged jackasses looking for magic pills to cure the slightest annoyance preventing them from living their lives in absolute 100 percent comfort at all times.

Soon as all that's done, we'll start putting out commercials like this.  Promise.

Sorry I asked, Grampa....

Does anyone think it really makes sense that granddaughter's innocent little "just like you, grampa?" comment should serve as a segue into grampa explaining the details of his lung illness?  Holy crap, grampa, she's like four years old.  When she says "just like you," the most you should reply is "yes, but I'm taking medication to make me breathe better."  She doesn't need to hear the freaking pitch you memorized from the commercial before you pushed your doctor to prescribe whatever the hell this ad is trying to sell us.

I don't care what Home Depot says. You don't got this.

I've been in a Home Depot maybe 500 times in my life, and not once has anyone walked up to me to ask me if they could help me find what I was looking for.  Maybe I needed to stand in front of stacked piles of former trees with a stupid, lost look on my face in order to attract attention.  I suspect that if this had worked, the Home Depot guy would have been irritated when I told him that I was just trying to decide which of the 1500 light bulb options were right for me- "oh no, I'm not here to buy $6000 worth of wood and tools so I can hurt myself in a hundred different ways, I just need a few light bulbs...."

But of course Amazing SuperSuburbanDad, being hit over the head with the hammer of Inadequacy and realizing that having a job which pays for this great house in the suburbs, the trophy wife and the kid is suddenly not good enough, figures that the credit rating that bought all that stuff can buy him the skills to build a treehouse, too (a treehouse which suddenly must be built because his son has got it into his head that Dad knows how to build one, or its awesome that he has a friend whose dad knows how to build one, or something.  I'm not sure what is really going on there, but if I have it right, what the kid learns at the end is that all he has to do to get what he wants is to casually mention that Cody's  Dad Got One For Cody.)  He just needs the right materials.  So the Home Depot guy, spotting him as an easy mark from across the store, quickly convinces him that even though he can't boil an egg without setting the kitchen on fire he's perfectly capable of handling heavy materials (including a power saw- I can see this ending well) and putting together a treehouse twenty feet above the ground...well, if nothing else, it should make an amusing afternoon for the neighbors...

Naturally the guy who can't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight manages to slap together a virtual mansion of a treehouse in no time at all, and without losing a single finger in the process.  Which makes me wonder why anyone learns carpentry when all one really needs is a few minutes with a Home Depot guy and the willingness to spend a huge chunk of money on tools you'll use exactly once because you couldn't bear the thought of your son not realizing Daddy Can't Do Absolutely Everything.

But hey, at least he finally got some practical use out of that enormous pickup truck he bought for some reason last year.

Saturday in the park, mugged by another dumb Verizon Commercial

1.  How many total losers can you get to stand around in the middle of a park to listen to a Verizon spoakschoad make a fool of himself if they think that there's a slight chance that they might show up on television later?  Apparently that number is in the dozens.  Or maybe the crowd in this ad is made up of handpicked Not Actors who flunked the Chevy commercial audition because they didn't drool and squeal enough over the looks-like-every-other car they were being shown.

2.  Just imagine- the guy who wrote this ad thinks it's clever.  You can just tell.  He probably presented the idea to a group of mentally ill squirrels and they didn't respond by tearing his face off, so he figured "hey, that's a good sign, people will find this amusing."

3.  The only way this commercial ends well is if the crowd starts booing or just walks away in disgust at the wannabee standup's sad attempt to be funny while admitting that yep, Verizon set up those enormous letters in the middle of the park and asked people to gather around.....for a fifteen-second sales pitch and a bad joke which didn't get better with repetition.  Otherwise, it's watching it is a waste of time.  But at least we didn't have to set up those letters or stand around around for twenty minutes waiting for the director to tell us we could start pretending to be interested.  So that's something anyway.