Pretty White People, Their Glowing White Dog, and Flonase

Gee, I feel sorry for the pretty white people who used to feel limited by their allergies and weren't allowed to take their unleashed dog for long runs through the woods, where it could playfully jump on me and knock me down, after which these pretty white people would explain that he was "just being friendly."

But maybe I'm being unfair to the dog- apparently it's so well trained that it won't even shake itself dry until it is in its own home, being tended to by its perpetually delighted weirdo pretty white owners whose entire lives seem to be wrapped around their fixation on that bizarrely clean dog.

Tax10000, another tax cheat enabler making my hobby so much easier

Never mind the super-cheesy "Owed" v. "Really Paid" graphics, or the "Are you sitting down?  You only owe this much.."  (yeah, that sounds like a message from a company I would trust.  Super professional.)  Never mind the stupid scene with the "married couple" who look like they are in their late-teens are struggling with big wads of paper- how the hell did these people get into such a big tax mess before they were old enough to go to prom?

No, the most hilarious part of this ad is at the very beginning, when the first guy plays us his recording from Tax100000 or whatever telling him that he only owes $8000 of a $50,000 tax bill.  It's hilarious because you know damn well that five seconds after he got that recording, he was on the phone with another RipOffTheGovernmentDontPayYourLegitTaxes scumbag agency to complain about the remaining $8000.  And that he'll be in debt to the tune of about $50,000 five years from now.  Because you can't fix stupid OR selfish.

For another ten cents, will Checkers give you a napkin?

This disgusting ad- and other versions of it- show up on the television mounted to my elliptical at the gym only about four hundred freaking times an hour.  And every time it does, I ask myself the same questions-

1.  If this woman is sitting in her own damn home eating this greasy stuff, why can't she find anything to wipe her damn fingers with other than her tongue?  She doesn't have a paper towel, cloth towel, or napkin, anywhere in that entire house?  Cripes.

2.  Why would this ad appeal to anyone?  It doesn't make the food look good, and it sure doesn't make me hungry.  It actually turns my stomach little.  Plus, the message is "if you're the kind of person who likes to buy cheap stuff, here's our cheap food to fit your lifestyle."  Ugh.

Taco Bell- because quantity trumps quality, I guess.

Wow, that was close!  This lovely young couple almost stopped at the traditional fried chicken stand to buy and consume traditional fried chicken, when just down the road is one of the 13,000 Taco Bells scattered around the United States and where they could purchase mass-produced, tasteless greasy crap instead!

If this was a commercial for a hotel chain, we'd see this couple fly right past the rustic Bed and Breakfast and hit the Motel 6 at the next exit instead- and be totally convinced that they made the right choice.  "Wow, that was close- we almost chose quality!!"

What kind of bizarro world do I live in, anyway?

Nintendo Switch- yet another way to waste the only life you'll ever have!

First things First!  Don't even wipe the sleep out of your eyes or get out of bed before picking up your drug--- err, Nintendo game system-- and start your day of electronic addiction!

Walk around hunched over your stupid toy as you fix breakfast, and don't let your eyes wander away from the screen until you manage to grope your way to the living room, where you can stick it into a console and transfer the mesmerizing but stunningly vapid and pointless pretty images to a larger screen!

Then flop down on the couch in a posture which will play havoc on your spine (don't worry, you won't feel the effects until later, so it doesn't really matter) and idle away the hours of your life pretending to do something while your brain and muscles atrophy and life passes by outside your window (it doesn't matter- there's nothing out there but sunshine and people and other non-electronic stimulus, which means it's all boring and pointless and lame and doesn't even come with a cool soundtrack or extra lives like that game does!)

When you finally do get enough of your drug of choice, don't notice that another day that you'll never get back has passed you by, because nothing outside your cocoon had any meaning to you anyway- after all, it didn't include a single jumping cartoon character or castle or battle or anything that is really worthwhile!

(By the way, if this advertisement wasn't quite depressing enough for my readers, please check out the comment section.  There really is no hope for the future.)

TV "Everywhere." Because really, what else is there?

I guess we are all supposed to be jealous of this zombie idiot's ability to endlessly watch tv as he strolls through what he laughingly calls "life."  No matter where he goes, his eyes are fixed to that screen, gazing at everything from Game of Thrones to ancient Seinfeld episodes to Back to the Future.....

Personally, I'll never understand what could possibly be attractive about staring at a phone like one of the freaking Walking Dead, oblivious to the world around you as you lose yourself in whatever witless crap you used to have to stop watching for a few moments because you left the house for some reason.  Thank goodness THOSE days are over, huh?  Now it's all television, all the time, which just leaves me wondering....why DID you leave your house, moron?  Because you could?  You sure don't look like you're about to accomplish anything beyond a crick in your neck (and premature blindness caused by thousands of hours of gazing at a glowing screen.  Please,  There is a G-d, isn't there?)

The only way this commercial ends well is if this drooling jackass walks in front of a doubledecker bus and gets squished like a ripe grape, him and his g-d-mned addiction shaped like a phone.  Loser.

Breathe Right, or go viral. I guess.

Because it's 2017, nobody thinks it's at all intrusive for this little girl to be making a YouTube video of her mother while she's sleeping.  Just keep taping your mom, isn't it hysterical that she's having trouble breathing and is snoring, boy does she need help- and the attention of as many viewers as we can find!  "Like" my post, everyone, and don't forget to Subscribe to my page, #StupidMomGaveMeAPhone!

It would be nice to imagine that in this commercial's sequel, we see Daughter lose her data plan for being so stunningly disrespectful- at least by 20th century standards.  But it's 2017.  This is just what people do now.  It's perfectly normal.  Really.