Another Good2Go dose of Depression. You're welcome.

Here's another idea, Martyr Mom- instead of acting as if you woke up one day with two kids and no money, go back in time and plan a little differently.  Or maybe just plan.  Then maybe you won't have two kids, bags of groceries, and no auto insurance....

Wait a minute.  So buying a car would be no problem- it's the insurance payments which would keep food out of the mouths of those kids (who, I'm sorry, really lost the genetic lottery.  Sorry kids, your mom is a moron and you are going to pay the price?)  And now that you are about to learn about Good2Go's super-convenient Low Low Prices For Sort Of Insurance Hey It Meets the Bottom Of The State Standards, you suddenly have the dough to buy a car so you can drive to the store and buy...well, what, exactly, since its hard to see how you also have money now....

Here's a tip, Stupid Woman Who Really Really Needs a Time Machine:  In another couple of years, those kids will be big enough to help you with the groceries.  Then they'll be out of the house most of the time with their friends who have parents with measurable IQs and both food AND transportation.  Then you can just grab food for yourself before you hop on that bus.  And wonder what happened to your youth and your dreams of a decent life.

Oh and btw, thanks for perpetuating the "single black mom" stereotype.  Really needed to see that again.

Good2go auto insurance: Depressed Yet?

The guy in this ad HAS a car but he doesn't have auto insurance because....well, in his own words, every time he's ABOUT to buy insurance, something comes up....like his daughter's birthday.  And then, we can assume, he breaks into that jar on top of the fridge, scoops out the change he was GOING to use to buy car insurance, and uses it to buy something else....like a birthday present for his daughter.

I'm sorry, but I just gotta say it:  I think it's pretty damn safe to assume that Daddy got kicked out of the house by Mommy quite some time ago, and it probably had something to do with the fact that Daddy never quite got his act together when it came to being an adult with money.  It's all well and good that Daddy thinks it makes sense to own a car he can't drive because he can't afford insurance, but it's probably best for Daughter that he go on thinking that way Somewhere Else.  After all, Mommy looks like she's doing all right for herself in her own home, which I think it's also safe to assume she got in the otherwise Very Meagre Divorce Settlement.

So Daddy may show up for Daughter's Birthday in a bus because he couldn't pull together enough money for a present AND car insurance, and he decided to show up with a present this time around.  But if he arrives in a car and also has a present, that means he's aquired cut-rate, pays-for-nothing-but-satisfies-the-law month-to-month insurance, not that he's turned his life around and landed a decent job which allows him to buy standard auto coverage because he's also fixed his credit rating and gone some time before smashing into somebody or something.  In either case (and I know this is going to sound really mean) its nice that Daddy stopped by but its much, much better for all involved that he is going back to his own home at the end of the day.  Daddy's not ready for the real world, and maybe that's not his fault, but its not his daughter's responsibility, either.

Thanks for the present, Daddy.  Love you always.  The C9 will be along any minute.

Ask for a little extra, buddy- that Rent A Center bill comes due on Monday!

Maybe I shouldn't make fun of people who are so cash-and-credit poor that TWO FLAT TIRES makes them easy bait for a quick-cash loanshark company like this, even when that company is represented by a stupid fat toad in a freaking cape, but....

Well, I just can't help it.  OH MY G-D YOU FREAKING MORON TRAILER TRASH LOSER!!

Ok, that's out of my system.  Now please, take the "loan offer" from the company recommended by a total stranger WEARING A FREAKING CAPE and get yourself two new tires so you won't be late for your shift at Denny's.  And keep your chin up- it's only a matter of time before your vote pays off and Trump Makes America Great Again!TM.

Until then, there's always CashNetUSA.com.   Moron.

Pretty White People, Their Glowing White Dog, and Flonase

Gee, I feel sorry for the pretty white people who used to feel limited by their allergies and weren't allowed to take their unleashed dog for long runs through the woods, where it could playfully jump on me and knock me down, after which these pretty white people would explain that he was "just being friendly."

But maybe I'm being unfair to the dog- apparently it's so well trained that it won't even shake itself dry until it is in its own home, being tended to by its perpetually delighted weirdo pretty white owners whose entire lives seem to be wrapped around their fixation on that bizarrely clean dog.

Tax10000, another tax cheat enabler making my hobby so much easier

Never mind the super-cheesy "Owed" v. "Really Paid" graphics, or the "Are you sitting down?  You only owe this much.."  (yeah, that sounds like a message from a company I would trust.  Super professional.)  Never mind the stupid scene with the "married couple" who look like they are in their late-teens are struggling with big wads of paper- how the hell did these people get into such a big tax mess before they were old enough to go to prom?

No, the most hilarious part of this ad is at the very beginning, when the first guy plays us his recording from Tax100000 or whatever telling him that he only owes $8000 of a $50,000 tax bill.  It's hilarious because you know damn well that five seconds after he got that recording, he was on the phone with another RipOffTheGovernmentDontPayYourLegitTaxes scumbag agency to complain about the remaining $8000.  And that he'll be in debt to the tune of about $50,000 five years from now.  Because you can't fix stupid OR selfish.

For another ten cents, will Checkers give you a napkin?

This disgusting ad- and other versions of it- show up on the television mounted to my elliptical at the gym only about four hundred freaking times an hour.  And every time it does, I ask myself the same questions-

1.  If this woman is sitting in her own damn home eating this greasy stuff, why can't she find anything to wipe her damn fingers with other than her tongue?  She doesn't have a paper towel, cloth towel, or napkin, anywhere in that entire house?  Cripes.

2.  Why would this ad appeal to anyone?  It doesn't make the food look good, and it sure doesn't make me hungry.  It actually turns my stomach little.  Plus, the message is "if you're the kind of person who likes to buy cheap stuff, here's our cheap food to fit your lifestyle."  Ugh.

Taco Bell- because quantity trumps quality, I guess.

Wow, that was close!  This lovely young couple almost stopped at the traditional fried chicken stand to buy and consume traditional fried chicken, when just down the road is one of the 13,000 Taco Bells scattered around the United States and where they could purchase mass-produced, tasteless greasy crap instead!

If this was a commercial for a hotel chain, we'd see this couple fly right past the rustic Bed and Breakfast and hit the Motel 6 at the next exit instead- and be totally convinced that they made the right choice.  "Wow, that was close- we almost chose quality!!"

What kind of bizarro world do I live in, anyway?