Tax Solutions: Let us help you become even bigger victims!

I don't know why all of these Duck Your Taxes commercials don't just cut out all the narration and just skip to the obvious punchline- "I'm a tax cheat and I got caught, oh noes what do I do now?"

Oh, right- because the message in all these ads is "the big bad Internal Revenue Service lives in a giant white castle and uses the power of the Evil Federal Government Run By Faceless Money-Hungry Socialist Bureaucrats to take YOUR money, and its coming after you so you need help call this toll-free number before it's too late!"

And in case you don't realize how late it really is, check out the digital clock, counting down the seconds until that knock on the door!

Of course, all of these tax cheats- err, I mean Honest Americans Who Are Being Victimized- live in big houses and have innocent, pretty wives and pretty children who are all made out of ticky-tacky and all look just the same, and who all just want to go about those pretty little lives in peace but can't because the Trolls at the IRS are hounding them to death oh please make it stop all we did was not pay our taxes, its not like we are criminals or anything!

I'm sure commercials like this do a great job massaging the sense of victimhood the tax cheats watching them desperately want to feel- they aren't bad people.  They are just Good, Decent, Hard-Working, Home-owning, Breeding Americans trying to Live the Dream but Can't Sleep at Night because the Government is Interfering Why Cant they focus on Defeating the Terrorists like they are supposed to this Must Be Obama's Fault?  If you think I'm exaggerating, do a Google search of "Complaints about Tax Masters" (a now-defunct company which spent years stealing money from would-be tax dodgers.)  They include things like "the government was hounding our small little business" and "instead of doing their job the IRS was picking on little guys like me," etc. etc. etc.  They would actually be hilarious if they weren't so pathetic.

And of course they all include testimonials like "they offered to settle my $80,000 debt for $27 and an upfront fee of $3500, but they LIED!"

Yes, the IRS makes mistakes.  When that happens, guess what you can do to address the problem besides hire a middleman like these scum-sucking pigs?  You can call the IRS and work it out.  In rare cases, you may need to hire a tax attorney- and if that's necessary, you hire someone local, not a damn voice on the phone you can't visit in his office, you morons.  Oh, but if you do any of those things, you might have to accept the reality that you aren't going to be settling that debt for pennies on the dollar.  Which means you don't get to victimize the society you are supposed to be doing your share to support.  No sympathy here.

Don't Worry, Trump Supporters- you can still earn that Advanced Degree in Dumb

Go to Prager University (you can do it without even getting up from your couch, since its an online "college") and you can get a "degree" by taking classes which explain

1.  Why Socialism takes countries which are prosperous and happy and turns them into crime, disease and-poverty ridden hell holes, *

2.  Why Global Climate Change is a China-and-Al-Gore-inspired myth designed to bring down the Bible-endorsed Capitalist System that God Intended us to live under,

3.  Why Athiests murder people all the time because if you don't believe in God there is no reason to be Moral,**

And so much more, all brought to you by exactly the person you'd look for for all the answers to the questions about life you've ever had- a Right-Wing Radio Yakker.  Especially now that the wonderful school you thought you'd be graduating from got shut down by the Libtards just because its founder was elected President and had to settle so he could go about keeping his promise to Make America Great Again.

*The video I embedded is a painfully obstuse five minutes featuring a "Brazilian Journalist" explaining how his country was well on its way to becoming a paradise filled with happy, successful middle class families and zero crime until The Evil Socialists came to power and created a dystopia of murder, poverty and high taxes for The Most Productive by attempting to create a social safety net (which was silly because like the journalist says, life was awesome in Brazil, why would anyone need a social safety net?)

**It must be endlessly frustrating for Prager and his ilk that Athiests make up such a tiny percentage of people in prison for committing violent crimes.  How could this be, since non-believers have no concept of an Ultimate Judgement after death?  My guess is that their answer is Shut Up, That's Why.

McDonald's Isn't Helping

So these little girls are standing in a obnoxiously pink room obsessing over what their little dolls are going to be wearing today- and Mommy comes in to contribute "I've got just the shoes for that!"

In other words, McDonald's has its brain firmly planted in the 1950s, and no power on Earth is going to get it out of there.  I mean, really- "Barbie Fashionistas?"  "What color goes best with this Happy Meal box?"  Ugh, gross.  Way to be part of the problem, McDonald's!  What ideas you got coming down the pike for next month- "I Hate Math and Love Lipstick" themed meals just for little girls?

I want to meet a person who finds "Jimmy Cash" a convincing spokesperson

1.  I wonder how many poor rubes actually ran out to their cars to check the glove compartment and trunk because Jimmy Cash, the shouting, dancing green elf on television, told them that there was cash in their car.

2.  $50,000?  Um, if you can get a loan of $50,000 on your car, you've got other ways of getting money and don't need the ruinous, usury level interest rates provided by a Title Loan.  You can probably afford them, though.

3.  Let's be real.  99 percent of the people who are so strapped for cash that they'd be willing to hand their car titles over for collateral on a short-term loan which will certainly bankrupt them unless they have a large amount of cash coming to them inside of a few weeks own beaters worth less than a few thousand dollars.  They aren't going to be raising huge amounts of money on those beaters, sorry.

4.  The other 1 percent are dumb clucks who got suckered into buying cars they couldnt afford but which sure look good on the street outside the apartment complex.  Which means that "Jimmy Cash" knows his audience.  Sad.

The Manufactured Outrage Industry over at ESPN

Want to hear grown men rant about an End of Civilization as we Know It incident which took place in the world of sports pretty much every other day?  Then watch or listen to ESPN, where Society is in a constant state of irreversable breakdown.

Last week, the purple faces and spittle were the result of LeBron James sitting out a Cavaliers game--on his coach's orders--and...wait for it...drinking coffee on the bench for the entire four quarters.  No kidding.  I've heard "debates" concerning this "issue" on pretty much every sportstalk radio program there is since the "incident"- and though the "story" is a week old, it's still a favorite among hosts and callers alike.  And after listening  to hour after hour of what I'm sure were very compelling arguments about why LeBron did the Worst Thing Ever, I'm still not sure why it was the Worst Thing Ever- but I'm pretty sure it wasn't because he wasn't playing.  I think it had more to do with the fact that he was drinking coffee- several yakkers really got hung up on that point.  So if he were drinking Gatorade, sitting out would have been ok.  I guess.  Not sure.  Probably not, though, because the important thing is the Outrage.

This week, attention has shifted to a player on the Phoenix Suns scoring 70 points in a losing effort the other night against Boston.  Seems that when the game was over the Suns players were celebrating the achievement of a teammate instead of doing what I guess they were supposed to do- committing  ritual suicide because they lost.  So the Entirely Sincere Outrage is now centered on the Phoenix Suns and how their insistence on being happy for a teammate clearly signals the end of civilization because Reasons.

Oh wait, not Reasons- because the Phoenix Suns Scandal opened the phone lines to the jackass old men who seem to live to call these shows and bitch about "the younger generation" and how they just "don't have the competitiveness" that they had, and this explains why America Has Lost Its Way and is going straight down the crapper or at least it was before we elected a guy who promised to make it Great Again.  The favorite bugaboo of these callers is the Participation Trophy, which they consider to be the greatest crime against Humanity since Obamacare.  For some reason, every sixty-something male caller to every sports talk show ever just loathes the Participation Trophy, to the point of referring to our "Participation Trophy Culture."  Turns out that the Participation Trophy is responsible for the death of the American manufacturing base, the destruction of the two-parent family, and almost certainly gay marriage and abortion.   When these guys were kids, teams that came in tenth place didnt get trophies and everyone was fine with that Because.  Life was so much better when awards ceremonies ended with kids in tears, g-d d--n it!

(And let's not forget the greatest triumph of the purveyors of Manufactured Outrage, which came after the 2002 MLB All-Star Game ended in a tie.  ESPN and all the other sports yakkers were in such a frothy rage after that Worse Than The Holocaust moment that they manipulated baseball into ruining the Um Wasn't This Supposed to be Just for Fun game and making it count for home field advantage in the World Series.  Thanks, sports yakkers.  You totally suck, all of you.)

*Know what all these bitter old men have in common?  None of them got trophies when they played sports in school, and they never got over it.  It's the only explanation for why they are so freaking bent out of shape whenever they see a ten year old playing Pee Wee T-ball get a little token of thanks for participating.  Get some freaking counseling, you pathetic old losers.  Or just shut the f--k up and die already.

Senokot "Secrets," or Another Thing That Happened on my TV

Let's see if I get this straight.  Stop me if I miss something:

This woman comes home to her glowing-white house and drops a bag of stuff on the kitchen table.  For some totally inexplicable reason her Significant Other looks into the bag and sees the box of constipation medication.....and instead of just reading the freaking cover, feels compelled to take the box out and ask "what's this?"

"What's this?"  Um, it's exactly what it says on the freaking cover, you illiterate moron.  You sound like you want to say "aren't you feeling well?" or "how much did this cost?"  Instead you come off like someone who literally can't read the freaking cover of your wife's over-the-counter medication.  In short, you sound like a clueless, lazy schmuck.

But maybe you two belong together.  After all, instead of slapping you upside the head and spitting "what the hell do you think it is, read the g-d d--ned box, clueless!" your wife launches into a Right Off The Cue Cards pitch for the medication.  At times she sounds downright defensive, but for most of her scene she comes off as a woman who has been accused of doing something very wrong but who has rehearsed her alibi for quite some time.

Maybe it's the nice house- women have been known to put up with a hell of a lot in exchange for that nice house.   Or maybe she's just dim as her husband.  Either way.

BTW, the final ten seconds of this ad go a long way toward convincing me that it was originally shot in another language.  The woman says "and it usually works overnight" and walks away as if she's just done a mic drop- was that really her parting pitch?  And the final shot of the guy looking at the box again and saying....absolutely nothing....well, that just doesn't look right at all.

So, did I miss anything?

Oh just take a freaking walk and stop asking for a Nobel Prize already

"Every stumble keeps me humble?"  Um, really? Then why are you, and all the other women in this ad, talking as if you deserve some Great Humanitarian Award for going outside and taking an f--ing walk???

I walk between eight and ten miles every day.  Without these sneakers or whatever you're trying to sell me, and without expecting someone to write poems to my awesomeness.  After watching this ad, I'm starting to think that the woman in the Good2Go Insurance Commercial who proudly explains that she chose food for her kids over the luxury of car ownership might just deserve a medal after all.  I mean, she didn't even mention walking among her many admirable qualities.  I'm sure wondering where my Congressional Medal of Honor is.  I had no idea that putting one foot in front of the other was such a rebellious, in-your-face act, but then again, I'm male and single- maybe American women have been told that they can't take walks because that's just Not Something Women Do?  If that's the case, continue to Aim  High, Sister!

And I apologize for mentioning that I walk a lot.  Just my white male walking privilege showing, I guess.

What the hell is this commercial about, anyway?