Xfinity "challenges" us to ramp up our addiction to electronic stimulus

Because what these pasty, fat, electronics-addicted losers really want and need is More More More TV Everywhere All The Time.  Which is why they are outside yet gathered around huge flat screen tvs listening to some spokeschoad for Xfinity sell them on the idea that, well, More More More TV Everywhere All The Time would make their non-lives worth living.

Hey, here's an idea, you f--ing zombies:  You are outside.  Why not just take a walk?  Why not visit a museum or park, and while you're at it why don't you take your kids and grandkids with you and actually watch them play instead of just being in their vicinity while you stare at your g-d d--med phones?

Oh right, I forgot- its because you've bought in to the idea that no matter WHAT you are doing, it can be made better by adding television.  The world outside your house is scary, so you should spend as much time inside watching television.  When you DO have to venture out into the Big Scary World, bring your television with you so you can pretend to be in your safe home.

There is simply nothing out there that's as awesome as thousands of hours of television, live or recorded.  And now you can stream it into your brain no matter where you are, thanks to Xfinity.  Don't forget to drop them a tweet thanking them for feeding your insatiable addiction to Nothing.

If you don't drive a car, the Terrorists Win. The General told me so.

"Woah, what's with the bike?  What are you, a reject from the 19th century or something?"

"Um, no, I just can't afford car insurance after my accident."

"Oh, whew!  For a minute there I thought that you were actually getting into saving tons of money, engaging in healthy exercise, and working to reduce your carbon footprint! If that had been the case, we could not be friends anymore because man would that be lame!"

"No, I don't want to ride a bicycle to work- its not a tree-hugging loser!  I just can't afford car insurance!"

"Well, I've got a solution for you- go to The General online and get cut-rate, virtually-no-coverage but totally legal car insurance.  Then you can dump that stupid bike thing in the trash where it belongs and get back to being normal and driving into work by yourself, spending thousands of dollars a year on gasoline, parking, and repairs."

"Thanks very much!  I'll never ride this ugly, non-polluting, non-motorized Not A Car ever, ever again!"

Mommy just loves her Philly yogurt "breaks." And I just love these visits to 1959.

Enjoy the 4.3 minutes you have to yourself, lady- because then it's back to taking care of "your" baby while hubby does whatever the hell he was doing before he graciously offered to do "your" job for those 4.3 minutes.

Yes, relax happily while you consume that dish of yogurt and fruit- but only for 4.3 minutes.  Then its time to get off your butt and raise that kid all by yourself, at least until your next scheduled break.  And don't forget to lavish praise on that husband of yours, who after all isn't really required to do any of this- his "job" was completed when he got you pregnant after all.

Oh, who am I kidding with all of this snark?  Chances are that Mommy will be gushing to her friends for the next several days how Her Awesome Wonderful Man actually took car of "her" baby for almost five whole minutes while she took in nutrition, and she barely even had to ask!!

Shut up, Jimmy, or youse be sleepin with de fishes!

Want to know what is only about 2000 times more annoying than hearing someone snore?  Listening to this braying jackass yell at me from my Sirius/XM radio several hundred times a day about how I "gotta get a Zyppah."  Naturally he does it in a fake, thick New York accent which I guess is supposed to be down-to-Earth and maybe vaguely threatening (is he gonna bust my kneecaps if I don't get a Zyppah, whatever the hell that actually is?) but just comes off as ear-bleeding obnoxious and downright insulting.

Hey, advertisers- I'm going to buy a Zyppah from a noxious windbag who sounds like he should be falling off a bar stool in the Bronx at around the same time I'm going to take insurance advice from "Big Lou" because hey, he's a drug addict who is on his second trophy wife (seriously, his commercials come right out and say this.  I'm not kidding.)  In other words, never.  Now, stop making me jump up and change the damn channel during every commercial break.  Dump "Jimmy" to the curb already and get yourself a spokesperson who doesn't make my ears bleed and my blood pressure skyrocket.

Here is my not-very-nice  letter to Zyppah:

Body: I hope you and your company burn in hell for subjecting us to Jimmy From Zyppah every god damned commercial break on XM Radio. Your ear-bleeding insulting stupidity sucks and I would never patronize your company because of it.

And here is their not-particularly-sincere response (I don't want to meet anyone who finds Jimmy from Zyppah "hilarious," conceding that there are such people, which I'm not sure I do:)

Good Afternoon Sir,

Thanks for your feedback! Believe it or not, we get messages from customers every day who want to let us know that they find Jimmy hilarious. We understand that it isn't for everyone, but it certainly accomplishing our goal of drawing attention to the problem of snoring. All of our ads and all Sirius radio ads in general go through a rigorous screening process in order to ensure that they abide by all standards set forth by Sirius as well as the FCC. I apologize that you found the ad offensive, as it was never meant to be, except to offend snorers.
Thanks for your interest in Zyppah and I hope you have an awesome day.

Best wishes and I do hope this satisfies.
Karen Kraines, CSA
Zyppah

Capri Sun Presents: Latchkey Kids of the 21st Century

So are these kids only in communication with mom through video chat?  The only way they can get her attention is by threatening to kill themselves performing dangerous but highly shareable stunts and posting them to YouTube?

Where the hell is mom, anyway?  This stunt which turns into a plea for more Capri Sun juice boxes looks like it took a little while to set up.  Maybe mom is still relaxing on the couch enjoying her Philly Yogurt Me Time, under the impression that Daddy is on Temporary Parent Duty?

Where IS Daddy?  The kid doesn't even mention him.  Out of the picture already?

Do these kids even HAVE parents?  What the hell is going on here??

Oh Verizon, will you never stop giving me material?

Why nobody is ever, ever going to hire the insanely stupid woman in this ad:

1.  She has a very important job interview, but she's going to miss it because the subway she planned to take is twenty minutes late.  That's right, folks- she really really wants the job, but not enough to give herself ANY extra time to get there.  If she had a car, she might have been stuck in traffic.

If she really wanted that job, she would have planned to be an hour early and parked herself at a coffee shop across the street from the location of the interview.  This isn't freaking rocket science.  She does not really want that job.

2.  She thinks that she's going to save her job prospects by just calling in to the prospective employer.  Oh sure, lady, this is going to work really well.  Your call in from the subway platform is going to be much more impressive than, say, the person-to-person interviews the guy on the other end of the line is going to be conducting with job seekers who actually got their act together and managed to show up on time.  Might as well spend that first paycheck right now.

3.  She tells the prospective employer that she's a "people person."  Seriously, she comes right out and says that.  The cymbal crash which accompanies this makes perfect sense, though not for the reason that Verizon thinks.  It's basically the end of the interview.  I can't imagine ever being impressed by a job applicant who tells me "I'm a people person."  It's like being asked "what do you consider your greatest weakness" and responding "I'm kind of a workaholic, I tend to do everything my employer asks of me and never consider whether its really my job or if I'm getting paid for it, tee hee hee."

I'd be more likely to respond "Oh, you're a people person?  Me too- now if you'll excuse me, I have actual people waiting in my office who are so interested in working for me that they managed to get here in time for their interviews."

Or just tell her that I'm not a person especially impressed by hackneyed cliches OR job applicants with crappy planning skills.  Either works for me.

(BTW, how is the guy holding up the phone to make the interview happen going to prevent a train from approaching in the opposite direction and blocking his view of Stupid Woman on the other platform?  Is he going to order that train not to enter the station, just like he commanded Jackass Please Die Right Now "musician" to stop making a noisy nuisance of himself so Stupid Woman could talk to her potential employer?  I mean, what the hell?)

Un-Flipping Believable....but lots of people believe it anyway....

This guy brags on his radio commercials that he was "once so broke, I had my electricity turned off NINE TIMES!"  Yes, this is the guy I want to go to for advice on how to manage money and flip houses.

He's certainly has figured out how to make money in the largely unregulated property market, and it doesn't involve hard work or study.  Those things are for suckers like he used to be, when he was getting his electricity turned off NINE TIMES.  Only a total loser who doesn't share his beautiful vision of American Capitalism would work hard, live within one's means, and invest wisely when this guy has this book which is FLIPPIN' AWESOME and FUN TO READ to boot!

What you do is, see, instead of all that hard work and saving and investing, you send money to this carnival barker to attend his seminars and buy his DVDs and learn how to flip houses like a pro (because flipping houses is a profession now.)  He gets rich and famous.  Maybe you flip a house now and then, maybe you don't.  But let's not take our eyes off the main point- he gets rich and famous.

There's nothing new about any of this.  Late-night television has featured "Magic Real Estate Secrets" packages since before there were VHS tapes, never mind DVDs.  I can remember being offered standard audio tapes and a series of workbooks which would turn me into a Real Estate Wizard, Wall Street Genius, and Multilinguist fluent in Japanese and Mandarin inside of six weeks Or My Money Back Yeah Good Luck With That.  In High School I had a close friend become a cultist for a certain Sell Ridiculously Expensive Household Cleaners Door to Door pyramid scheme I won't mention by name here but which rhymes with Scamway.  Get Rich Without Work was invented the day the first person discovered that work was hard.   It's still the most attractive proposition out there, and if you don't believe me, check out your state's Lottery sales.